When we start to slip

It took a long time for me to notice this tendency, which also has been the theme for my previous two blog posts. And these posts are partially me trying to write myself out of my tendency to slip. I’m trying to understand the mechanisms behind it, so that I can more easily notice where things start to go “wrong”. 

It goes something like this: I decide to do something. Or adopt a certain attitude. It goes well at first. But then little changes to my original intent start to creep in. It always start with thoughts. Sometimes it’s pretty straight forward, with thoughts like: “Just this once” or “Maybe I can look at it this way instead.” And suddenly I’m somewhere where I don’t want to be.

But sometimes my mind is more insidious. One good example is that a while back I decided to just accept things as they are. When I did this and just focused on the things that I had direct control over, instead of things where other people were involved, I felt really good. My life felt easy and everything seemed to fall into place. I was in control and thinking happy thoughts.

Then I got a little annoyed over something. And then something came up that I felt that I just couldn’t leave alone. Even though it would in all likelihood not turn into a disaster, it might hinder or delay things that I found important. 

And boom! I was back in resistance. And this resistance sure created obstacles and things that delayed me. Had I chosen not to resist, things might have run smoothly. But because I resisted, I was sure to get exactly what I did not want.

I believe that something crucial here, is kindness towards ourselves. When we start noticing that we have fallen, it’s easy for us to beat ourselves up. It is for me at least. And since going against something that is good for ourselves and others already creates circumstances that make us feel bad, we make it even worse by trash talking ourselves. And this usually leads to even more “bad” behavior. Because the energy that we could have spent on picking ourselves up, is spent on getting ourselves down instead. 

I’m also thinking of something that I touched upon at the beginning of this post: the unconscious part. And this one is tricky. Because the distinction between conscious and unconscious is tricky. There are for sure many thoughts that just slip by unnoticed. But at some point, I do notice them. And when I do, I have the choice of letting them go or holding onto them. Then again, I might be only half-aware of my thoughts and have some awareness in the back of my mind, that I can do something about them, but it doesn’t go any further than that. It never occurs to me that this “something” could be to let them go. And before I’ve done something more with this awareness, something distracts me. And the next time the same or similar thoughts return, I might not at all be aware that I can do anything with them, except for believing them.

I thing that the best way to prevent slipping in the future, is to simply practice becoming more aware of what is going on on the inside. Aware and HONEST towards ourselves about what is going on on the inside. No one is going to do it for us. Because the only ones that know what is going on on the inside, are us and God. And the funny thing is, that we and God are also the only ones that we can never get away from. We and God are the only ones to whom, ultimately, nothing but the facts matter.

I did something bad a few days ago part 2

The final choice of doing what I did, can be divided in two. I first made an initial choice, telling myself that I’m just going to do this one thing. Just to see how it is. Then I’m going to let it go. But about five minutes later, I had gone through with the rest of it. 

As you can see, I managed to trick myself over and over again, slipping more and more. It is also worth noting that there is a potential continuation on a possible chain of events relating to the topic that I’m talking about. But I’ve decided to say no to my mind. No to my ego. And I pray to God that he will help me to stay committed to my “no”. 

I did something bad a few days ago part 1

Not something BAD bad. Not anything that most people wouldn’t find totally okay. But bad in a way that I prefer to leave it to your imagination to figure out what it was. So, why am I writing this post? Well, in the hope that I will learn something from the experience and that others might learn from it as well. By writing this down, making it clear that this was something bad and stating my clear intention of not doing what I did again, I hope to turn this fall into a fall forward. 

You see, it started in my thoughts several weeks before. And since the thoughts were connected with pleasant memories in the past, I chose to hold on to them. It was a choice. I could have chosen to just observe them and let them go. But this was not the choice that I made. 

Here is some context: As my two weeks vacation started, I started slipping back into some other old habits as well. These I wouldn’t call bad in the sense that I call that other thing bad. But they made me lazy and comfortable. And when you’re lazy and comfortable, you’re less observant and your will is weakened. 

How do I use text?

For someone like me, that works with producing text on a daily basis, this question is especially important. But I think that it is important to anyone. Because how we use text says something about who we are and what we believe.

For example: Do I sacrifice readability for style or fancy words? Do I write “The Bible” as “The Bible” or “the bible”? How bound up am I by language norms? How aware am I of them? When I choose to consciously break language norms or rules, why do I do it? For what purpose?

As stated in the beginning, these questions, especially the last two, can tell me something about who I am and what I believe. 

The truth is in our hearts part 1

There seems to, when I look inside and really feel how things feel, that there is a moral order that is not strictly related to what we do for others and the world. 

For example, all a person’s good deeds get soiled, if he or she is prideful about them, or even uses them to shame others for not being as good as he or she is. But it doesn’t seem to even have to result in actions or speech. Our mere thoughts seem able to soil a good deed. 

Why is this so? Can we explain this logically? I don’t think so. It seems as if we, on an intuitive level, can sense what is right and wrong. 

I wish to interject, that this post is not about a metaphysical discussion of right and wrong. But I think that it all comes down to how this or that affects our character. Does my thoughts, words and actions help me to get closer to become the person that I know in my heart that I want to be? Because, if we think and feel a bit about it, we know that there is such a person inside ourselves, don’t we?

Writing things down to create more inner order

Part of the point of this blog, is to put the things that I’m struggling into words. And I hope to do it in a way that others can learn from as well. I’m not the first person to realise that when you put your problems, struggles and your inner life in general into words, everything becomes easier to manage. If we look inside ourselves for just a little while, we will, at least if we are like most people, find that it is rather messy. We have a lot of half-digested opinions and beliefs and ideas about how the world and other people work. We have a few poorly defined goals and aspirations. We have made assumptions and arbitrarily chosen to believe some people over others. And to top it all off, all of this is in there in the form of an incoherent mess of words, sounds and mental images, that not seldom contradict each other.

This mess, in all its brokenness, can be quite elaborate, while we ignore such very basic and simple things, such as how we breathe, that we can never stop thinking (if we are like most people) or how our thoughts actually seem to work.

Writing down stuff about our lives, preferably on a daily basis, helps us to put things into perspective. We become more aware of our state and what it entails on both a collective and a personal level. We become more aware of which issues we share with other people, and which issues are personal to ourselves. And what unique shape the shared issues take in our own lives. In short, writing things down help us to put our inner lives in order.

What The Bible doesn't say

How do you approach The Bible? Or other religious or spiritual texts for that matter?

Let’s get a little wild here. I think we can afford it, as long as we try to refrain from drawing hasty conclusionst.

During biblical times, as far as we know, people had no idea about the vastness of the universe. So thoughts about UFO:s or inhabitants on other planets would at least have been very different fro our thoughts about such a subject and most people wouldn’t have thought of it at all.

For different reasons though, many Christians are skeptical about life on other planets. One of the main reasons seems to be the centrality afforded to the human race in The Bible.

On the other hand, most Christians also recognise that The Bible was written by humans. Humans that were faulty and that had limited knowledge of the world, trying to communicate something coming from an ultimate, perfect, unlimited reality. 

This also brings up two other questions. Namely why God chooses to make his presence known the way he does and what can be said about it. Ultimately, this leads to the question: Why isn’t God’s communication direct and clear? 

Since there is, as far as I can tell, no fully satisfying answer to these questions, even though many have tried to give such answers, I believe that this should call for some openness. Openness should though not be mistaken for permission to interpret everything any way that we want. And this is a very important point, so please don’t rush by it. Give it some thought. Because it is very easy to get confused about openness and permission to interpret everything in any way that we want. And it seems to me, as if it should be easier to interpret scriptures if we keep that distinction in mind. 

We make so many implicit assumptions about how to interpret The Bible and other religious texts. And any other information that isn’t crystal clear for that matter. Often without taking into account just how different the lives and understanding of the world, of those that wrote it were. We all bring with us our personal experiences and the beliefs that we have chosen to accept and reject. We bring with us our limited perspectives and degrees of openness. 

In this context, other questions could be asked: What theologians have shaped our thinking? Do we have primary or secondary knowledge about their ideas? Are we open to the texts that were excluded from The Bible it the first council of Nicaea? Why / why not? Did we know that such a council took place before reading this blog post? Did we know on what grounds the texts were accepted or rejected? Do we find those grounds reasonable? Reasonable enough to have complete faith in them? 

The answers to such question and how thought-through they are, all shape how we understand The Bible. Another interesting fact to consider, is the fact that the first council of Nicaea was instigated by the emperor Constantin I. In fact, this wa something that I had completely forgotten about, until I googled the council just now. Should we trust the converted pagan emperor that turned Christianity into a political religion? And yes, the last question was a loaded question. I believe that there is good support both in The Bible and in history, for the stance that politics and religion should not directly mix, even if that doesn’t necessarily mean that religious people should never act within the political sphere.

Furthermore, it seems clear that many parts of The Bible have both a literal and a symbolical interpretation. Sometimes it might even have many symbolical ones. We can also add the normative interpretations of mainly the New Testament, that go beyond the legalism of the Old Testament. And on top of the, we have the personal meanings that we find when we read The Bible and find books, chapters and verses that seem to speak directly to us and where we’re at.

All of the above serves to illustrate the argument that I wish to make here: that The Bible leaves room for much that many exclude. As said in the beginning, The Bible does not say that there can’t be life on other planets or whether the inhabitants of said planets might be visiting us. It does not give clear cut answers to what spiritual realities might exist beyond this physical one. 

It does also not set absolute limits for what humans are or what we can do. On the contrary, all the way from the beginning, it states that we were made in God’s image. Jesus says that other humans will be able to do what he did and more. The apostles Peter and Paul raised the dead, just like Jesus. Faith can move mountains. And so on. 

Slipping again part 3

This will be the final post about slipping for now, and it will consist of some concluding reflections. 

The first thing that comes to mind, is that there was no way for my wife to be aware of all the things that were bothering me. I wasn’t even aware of half of them before I wrote them down. 

Let’s pause and reflect on this a bit, because it seems somewhat relevant when it comes to negative emotions and conflicts in general. And if I can find the lesson that is to be learned from this, the fall might be a fall forward instead of backwards. And perhaps there is a lesson within the lesson. Namely that every fall contains a lesson, that can turn it into a fall forward, instead of a fall backwards.

The lesson seems to amount to these questions: How can we hope to resolve anything, when we’re not aware of what is causing us to act and feel a certain way? When we let our emotions get the best of us, start acting mindlessly and play the blame game, instead of actually trying to communicate what we feel and why, in an open manner, with the common goal of resolving the conflict and reach a mutual understanding. 

Finally, I want to return to the two tracks that I mentioned in the first post and talk about something that I’m starting to suspect, that I’m not really sure of. As I’m writing this, the time is 11:11. Just wanted to add that. 

What this concerns, is the details in the tracks. What I’m starting to suspect is that every little choice that we make, contribute to which track we are on. One good example, is that I used to make load of what you could call “immoral jokes” in the past. And the more you practice something, the better you get at it. And I’ve been able to get people to laugh quite a lot with these jokes over the years. I still give in to the temptation of telling such jokes from time to time, when an opportunity arises. No harm done, right? 

Right…?

What I think that I’m beginning to see, is that telling these types of jokes can get me into a mindset, where I’m more prone to do other things that get me away from the track that I want to be. The jokes might not in themselves be enough. But if I also choose to indulge in unhealthy food and overeating, let negative thoughts about people slip by my conscious awareness, watch movies with negative content for the sheer pleasure of it and maybe a few other things, it seems to start building towards something more serious. Something where I hurt myself, my relationships and those that I love and care for.

I don’t think that this means that I should just go cold turkey when it comes to any kind of negativity. Darkness is a part of the human experience and my discernment isn’t good enough to know when it’s time to let go of something, and when I’m simply pushing something down, that I for one reason or another am not ready to let go of yet. I, for example, am not convinced that I should just stop watching movies with dark themes and just watch ones with love and light in them. I’ve gained many insights and new perspectives from such movies. But I believe that I can definitely have more discernment as to what I choose to watch, than I’ve had in the past. 

But the jokes are probably not making anything better for anyone. And the thoughts definitely belong to the category of “things that should be let go of”. But I can’t beat myself up too much either. Constantly keeping the mind in check is difficult and requires practice. And I will just drive myself crazy if I don’t apply some acceptance to my inner life.

Right and wrong?

Is there such a thing as “right and wrong” in an ultimate sense? I don’t know. It seems as if there might be. And if there is, I’d rather try to be right than wrong, rather than to ignore the questions altogether. In an as humble and openminded way as possible, of course.

A flat tire

The other day I was late for work because of. Since I work for a staffing company, I fill out my own time. Of course I had to adjust for the 25 minutes that I was late, which I did. But before this obvious decision was made, a whole process happened inside my head. I thought: “Well, I’m ahead with my work assignments, so there was no harm being late. No one is going to check my time report or care anyway, as long as I’ve done my job. Besides, being late looks bad. And if anyone, against all odds, decides to check, I can just tell them that I made a mistake. Since it’s easy to just click ‘ok’ on the time report without adjusting anything, no one is going to believe otherwise. Especially since I’m a model employee.”

My thoughts were of course not as clear as they are now, when I put them into words. But this was basically the process that took place, before I overrode it with the principle of not being wilfully dishonest, that I try to follow to the best of my ability.

The interesting thing here, is that I was only partially conscious of my mental process. And had I not remembered the honesty-principle, I might have listened to the other voice. In this case, the chance was very little. But it could have happened. In a less clear case, maybe I would have not remembered my guideposts. Maybe I wouldn’t even have known what behaviour I let slip by my radar.

When to be helpful and when not to

A big problem, is that I don’t know where to draw lines very well. I don’t know when it’s reasonable for me to help and when it’s reasonable to say no and tell people that they have to take care of their own problems. Maybe the wisest thing would be to consider what Jesus would have done. But how would I apply his life to this situation? I don’t know if it’s possible. I would have never wanted to trade places with Jesus. That’s not the point. But for all of the things that he had to endure, he was at least not unsure about his place in the world, if you trust the scriptures. Or maybe he was. Maybe this was what he questioned as he uttered his last words on the cross. There is of course a whole discussion to be had around this. Why did he utter those words, even though he seemed to know beforehand what he would have to go through? 

I’m getting off topic here. The point is that in this particular situation, it’s hard to know what Jesus would have done. He always seemed to be guided by God. Guided by his mission on earth. Maybe herein lies the answer. Not to worry so much, but instead focus on finding God’s voice within. Practice listening to it, instead of listening to the ego or what the world seems to demand. This was something that struck me as I was writing this post. And it’s not the first time that I come to this realisation. But it’s one thing to have a realisation, and a completely different to realise how it can be applied to my life.

Doing what causes least resistance

I’ve been thinking about all of the things in my life that don’t work optimally, which I know about. My approaches to them so far, have been varied. They often have an irrational, emotional component. I, for example, feel that someone is doing something that I find disagreeable. Directly, there is a first response. Often it comes in the form of trying to talk the person into behaving differently. Or I make a decision in anger, which is something that usually doesn’t turn out well. Sometimes the decision is the right one, but since the wrong emotions are behind it, it still turns out badly. Maybe it’s that other people can sense our motivations. Or it’s simply because when a discussion follows upon the decision, I go into the discussion with anger. Maybe it’s a combination of both. 

The point though, is that I could simply look at the situation, see my options and choose the overarching one that seems best. Then I can adjust the details. I don’t try to change reality or force anything. I just simply look at what’s in front of me and go with that.

So, why don’t I? Because I’m unable to stay focused and neutral in front of the situations that I’m facing. Therefore, I end up with mindless reactions, fuelled by the emotions I happen to feel at the moment.

Listening as a spiritual practice

After a long journey, exploring loads of esoteric subjects, I’ve come to realise that much of what is going on in our everyday lives can be spiritual practices if we approach it the right way. Our "ordinary" lives pass us by because they are always present. We don't see the magic that is right in front of us or the possibilities for transformation that it holds.

In Herman Hesse’s Siddharta, one of the final things that Siddharta has to learn is listening. Of course, Siddhardta didn’t just listen to other people. He just listened, without putting on the filter of thoughts that we normally do. And perhaps it’s easier to listen to the world than to other people. But that’s beside the point. 

The point is that to really listen, we have to open up. We have to go beyond ourselves and meet another person where he or she is. And we have to resist the impulses to interrupt to tell about our own experiences and/or give advice. And if we are going to give advice, we have to truly listen to the person, to know if it’s appropriate to give advice and, if so, how to give it so the the person will be able to take it to heart. 

And when listening to something that we don’t like to hear, whether it’s warranted or not, we have to learn not to react to our emotions. We have to be humble enough, to try and hear if the other person has a point to what he or she is saying. We have to watch ourselves and how we behave in the conversation.

The more objective our stance is, the better listeners we become.

Once we realise that listening is a skill that can be acquired many things change. Because it is a skill that most definitely can help us grow spiritually. We can become less arrogant and more humble by learning to listen. We can get out of our own self-centeredness and we can become more open and compassionate towards other people.

A thought struck me while writing this post as well. Perhaps the saying the “how we do one thing is how we do everything” is especially true when it comes to listening. I think that there are a few striking examples of this in my own life. I can be very thorough and engaged in the things that I do in general, just as I can be a good attentive listener. But more often than I would like, I lose focus on what I do and become sloppy. Just as I sometimes zone out and go into my own thoughts when I listen to someone. And I’m often (but not always) a good listener when someone comes to me with a problem. I don’t judge and I try to consider what the person needs. But the more the problem affects me, the less patient I become with the person. And the more prone I become to give unsolicited advice. It’s the same with events in life in general. I’m pretty good with fixing things that don’t affect me. But the closer to home that a problem or challenge hits, the harder it becomes for me to not get emotional, start resisting what is and mess it up because I’m not thinking clearly anymore. 

I didn’t expect that las section to come out. But now it did and I’m glad that I chose to listen to it… We of course need to become better at listening to ourselves as well. And I believe that we become better at listening to ourselves, by becoming better at listening to others.

Slipping again part 2

Since I started the first blog post, another thing also happened. I got angry with my wife over making a decision for me that I didn’t feel that I was consulted properly about. But she was just trying to be helpful. And the thing that I realised afterwards, is that I didn’t care enough about the decision. I didn’t communicate my wishes properly.

The background is that I’ve moved to my own apartment. We’re still married and together, but for different reasons, we can’t live together right now. So, I needed a bed and a sofa. We were in total agreement about the bed. Basically any reasonably comfortable bed of around 160-180 centimetres was fine for me. I knew that I could count on my wife finding such a bed for me. 

The problem was the sofa. She showed me the sofa and said that it was perfect. I took a quick look at the pictures and nodded my approval, feeling that she more or less had decided on the sofa. The thing is, that this was before we decided that I would move to the apartment, when we wanted to have it together, so that we could spend some time alone, away from her teenage daughter. But when the plans changed, I didn’t stop to think that my wants and needs might change as well. 

Long story short: we picked up the sofa and it turned out to be way too big. First, I didn’t say anything about it, thinking that I would just accept things as they were. But then, as we were driving to the apartment, we got into a small argument. My irritation over it lingered. Then, when we got to the apartment, the sofa turned out to be really difficult to put together. I was worn out after a week of hard work and had really longed for just eating something, watch a movie and sort of land in the apartment. Especially since I hadn’t watched a movie by myself in a long time. Now I felt that I would be too tired to watch a movie and that I would probably just crash in bed after we were done.

Adding to the stressors of the particular situation, was the situation of moving away from my wife in itself. While I think that we need to do this for a while, and while I do feel good about being able to do some focused work, that I had trouble doing at home, I also feel sad about this. I am an introvert and I do require a lot of time alone to feel good, which I couldn’t really get at home, I also feel a bit lost and scared without my wife with me by my side. She’s only a few minutes away, but it still feels strange in a way that is difficult for me to handle. 

This also blended with an issue that goes much further back, where I feel that my wife often make decisions without consulting me, or that I just go along with her wishes when she already seems to have made up her mind about something. 

As I’m writing this, I realised something funny. She has said the exact same thing about me. That I just run her over when it comes to certain things, seemingly leaving no room for her to object. There is clearly some more problems with communication than I had already realised.

So, anyway, as I got more and more frustrated from trying to put the sofa together, I started making angry comments about the size of the sofa. It sort of just happened, as these things often do. Emotions that I had been able to keep in check for a while, started to pour over. 

Then, as we returned the trailer that we had used to transport the sofa, we discovered that someone had pulled a really lousy prank on us, attaching the trailer to the car with a steel-wire that had to be cut. At this point, I would have probably beaten up whoever had attached the wire, had I gotten hold of him, even though I’m not a violent person. I was just so angry and frustrated over so many things at that moment, half of which I was only dimly aware of at the moment. I only became aware of them as I put into words exactly what caused my frustration now. 

As you can see, there is a lot of confusion to both what started the conflict, and why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Isn't it always so?

I think that this will be a good time to end this post, and talk about putting things into perspective through writing them down in the third and final post on this subject.

When what we say and do don't match

I’m a little bit angry today. I can’t get into detail about what sparked this anger. But as with much of the anger that we experience, only a tiny bit comes from the experience or situation that triggered it. And, again as with much of our anger, at the core, I’m mostly angry with myself. 

I’m angry with myself for pretending that I don’t care about things that I do care about. I’m angry with myself for talking about my intentions, but doing something completely different from what I say. I’m angry with myself for saying that I want one thing, but acting as if I want another thing.

In other words, I’m angry for lying to myself and others. I’m angry because I distort reality and create confusion for myself. I’m angry with others for doing the same. And a part of me wishes that I could neither see this in myself, nor in others. Mainly, I wish that I couldn’t see it in others. Because it only causes frustration. The obvious response is to ignore it in others and just work on fixing it in my own life. But it’s hard. God, please help me!

Pride part 1

It’s really so simple. Pride is the greatest sin. Because it makes us and not God responsible for our fortunes. And when we try to make it on our own, we suffer in one way or another. This is what’s important here: we are the ones that suffer from our pride. It’s easy to see this, when we see that we cannot do for ourselves, what God can do for us. We can only accomplish cheap imitations and trick ourselves into believing that it’s something magnificent. We were created to be beloved servants and not rulers or creators, except for when God truly rules and creates through us. And when he does, our ruling and creating is in itself nothing but servitude. As soon as we give ourselves credit, seek power for our own sake or seek the praise of others, we suffer. We suffer because we defy the will of God. But God is not the one that causes us to suffer. We suffer because we act against our own interest, which is something that we would see if we saw things from God’s perspective. We suffer because our attitude and actions are disharmonious. 

The meaning of life

I believe that if we look deep inside ourselves, what we all are looking for, is to connect with God and to find inner peace. These things, I believe, go hand in hand. And when we start to pursue God and inner peace in earnest, we will start creating heaven one earth. Heaven on earth will come about through a change on the inside of each. Not as a result of outer efforts. 

Flow part 3

Thoughts are gently removed when you are in this state. You don’t have to force them to go away. But the presence of thoughts is an indicator that you are not fully in this state. There seems to be degrees to this however and I haven’t figured out exactly how this works yet.

Flow part 2

At the core of this flow state that I talked about in the first post on the subject, is being present in the moment. But it’s not just that. It’s about saying yes to what is with every fibre in the body. About letting go and allowing. Does your body feel tense or your breath strained? Then you’re not in the flow state. And the thing is, that it’s a state that requires literally no effort. And yet, we have learned to live in constant resistance, and therefore it is so difficult to get into and maintain. I’m going to talk more about it, but I’m not sure that I would have understood it before I had experienced it. But I’m going to try and describe it. Just know that it is real and at its core, it is spiritual. It can be experienced by anyone and it’s so different from our normal way of functioning, that when you’ve experienced it, it leaves no doubt about its existence.

Slipping again part 1

I’m slipping again. And I will tell you about the situation in a little while. But first, I want to write down some reflections. There seems to be two quite distinct tracks that I can follow, with an almost infinite amount of smaller details within them. One leads into more ego and more suffering for both me and others. From the ego’s perspective, this track seems like the most reasonable. This is the track that wants to be right, wants me to get mine, feels offended, denies reality and struggles against it. 

The situation that has gotten me back into my old ego habits is the following: My wife’s son’s girlfriend is pregnant. The pregnancy was ill-planned for and they need a lot of support. Me and my wife already have trouble paying our bills and dedicate enough time to running our business. From a higher perspective, I’ve been able to meet this with acceptance, understanding and a willingness to help. But, when I’ve been in my ego, my response has been: they put themselves in the situation, so let them figure out how to solve it. We have enough of our own problems. 

And lately, I’ve been more in my ego again. These things go back and forth. But the ego is quite insidious and I don’t really notice that I’ve slipped, until I’m rushing down the track that I, again from a higher perspective, know that I don’t want to be on.

But what would have been the alternative? That she had an abortion? I’m not completely sure where I stand on the subject of abortion. I probably never will be. But, first and foremost, they want this child. If they can’t make it completely on their own, we have to step in and help them. If they want the child, they shouldn’t be forced to make any other choice than to have it. 

Finally, about abortion, what I can say for sure, is that I don’t believe that it is a decision that should be taken lightly, and that I think that it is something that, as far as possible, should be avoided.

Here is the thing: in scarcity easily throws one into an egoistic mode. But I believe that this should be a challenge and not something to just give into. I can’t do miracles. But if the people that are close to me need help, I should help them to the best of my ability and trust that God will work out the rest.  

The difficulty of letting go and just trust

I believe that I have enough reasons to just let go and trust God in whatever is happening in my life. It has at the core something to do with an inner change that I’ve been going through the past few years, that has been so remarkable that it should leave little doubt. I’ll leave it at that. Maybe I’ll talk about why in the future.

But no matter what happens on a spiritual level, I seem to be dragged down by everyday life. I still worry about finances, bills, debts (yeah, all my worries can basically be boiled down to money). 

I know that there is a divine plan. And I’m starting to suspect that everything that happens in my life, happens for a reason. That everything is just as it should be. That I don’t have to worry about getting old and realise that my life has just passed me by. Because when I think about it, even though some parts of my life are a mess and I’m living a fairly dull life on the outside, there is so much going on that is nothing short of miraculous. So miraculous that I should be content if life happens to just pass me by and I die with all my dreams unfulfilled. Because I know that in one form and another, eternity awaits me after death, even though I’m not sure what it entails.

But when I’m not present, I don’t see. When I’m not present, I tend to forget, because my thoughts drift into worries and things that my ego wishes to be different. And even when I am present, I have a hard time not making things important, which should only be important if they are part of God’s plan.

I remember reading or hearing somewhere, that Mother Teresa had her religious experiences when she was young and then had to go through life, with all her acts of selflessness, trusting in what she experienced in her youth, without any new experiences to add fuel to what once happened to her. Whether this is true or not, I don’t know. It’s not important in the context.

The thing is that, in my naiveté, I thought: If you’ve once had them, how can you start doubting. Now, I’m no Mother Teresa ;). I’m a huge sinner that has mostly lived a selfish life. And I’m not saying this in the humble way that saints do, once they become aware of their shortcomings. I’ve done some truly crappy things in my life. Things that most people would not do.

But you can of course go back to the bible and see all the places where doubt is mentioned, to see that even those that lived closest to Jesus had doubts about incredible miracles that they had seen with their own eyes. 

I now understand that this is how it is. Memories fade. It doesn’t take more than a year for doubts to creep in. What once was so real, gets questioned. Did it really happen the way I remember it? I don’t remember all the details, so how can I be as sure as I was then? What I most have to lean on, is my former certainty. 

But it’s not just that memories fade. It seems as if the ego cannot comprehend anything spiritual. It doesn’t matter how many amazing things that happen. After a while, I’m drawn back into my trivial everyday-life worries. No matter how much God reassures me that he exists and that everything is as it should be, I cannot trust when I’m overwhelmed with financial worries and other issues that tend to bog me down. Why is it so hard to trust God, when he has since way back removed all my doubts about his existence? Why does it seem as if there is a thick wall between my spiritual and my material life? 

Ultimate truths

I’m a little bit tired of ultimate truths. Why can’t someone come out and say: “Well, I’m an expert on this subject and I believe this and that, but I’m not entirely sure. It could also be this or this way too.” Why does everyone have to be so sure about everything?

Meditating on ideas and concepts while living life

I recently came across this idea and thought that I would like to start practicing it. In the context I was reading it, the recommendation was to meditate on passages from the Bible while going about one’s day. But any idea and concept that we find worthwhile will do. Why not meditate on the concept of being present for example?

The idea is to keep the chosen idea or concept in mind throughout the day and reflect on what it could mean in different situations that we find ourselves in. How it can shape our actions.

Why not take this Jesus quote, for example:

Judge not, that ye be not judged. 

Flow part 1

I believe that God has showed me something that, if we manage to live in it, all else will come naturally. It is contained in every breath and our smallest movements, as well as in our biggest long-term plans and most intricate personal relationships. At the core of this is acceptance, non-resistance and non-attachment. I will talk about this in more detail. In the meantime, you can always google the concepts, as I believe that the understanding of them is fundamental for living a happy, well-functioning life.

If it feels good - do it?

In a sense - yes! In another sense - no! I’ve noticed that sometimes my whole being says “yes!” to something. But at other times, I may have a strong desire to do something, and I start talking myself into doing it, while there is a nagging feeling somewhere that says that I probably shouldn’t. In the former case, I probably should do it. In the latter, I probably shouldn’t. But my judgment isn’t so fine-tuned that I feel that I can trust myself fully when it comes to this.

Cleaning up a cluttered desk

I’ve decided to get up five minutes earlier to clean up something for five minutes. I started today and with my desk. How is this something spiritual? Well, most positive things can be thought of in spiritual terms. Bringing more order is definitely one of them, as orderliness is something divine.

On the art of listening

Do you listen more or talk more? When others talk, do you truly listen to them and try to understand what they are saying? Are you trying your best to understand them? Are you doing your best to make them feel understood. Are you attentive to the needs of the person that you are talking to?

If I’m being honest with myself, I would have to answer “talk more” to the first question and “no” to the others. It’s not a confession that I’m proud of. But admitting something is the first step to changing it.

And the thing is, that when we are “bad” listeners, we learn less from our conversations. And we annoy people. And we make ourselves less likable. And while saying more, we communicate less, since it’s difficult to get someone else to listen to us, when we don’t listen to them and try to understand their needs. When we’re just anxious to get our point across, with no regard for the other person.

And I believe that, as with so many things, a deficiency in our ability to listen, has to do with what we’ve trained ourselves to do. As I’m writing this post, I’m 38 years old. And I started to reflect on my ability to listen this year. It means that basically for 37 years, I’ve just let my listening happen the way it has happened. Since I’ve had a few interests that others have found interesting and strong opinions on a few subjects (which is something that I’ve let go of more and more, since I’ve realized how unimportant opinions often are), this has meant that I’ve talked a lot and listened little. And I’ve practiced doing this year after year.

It’s not something that I’m going to punch myself in the face because of. As with so many things that were right in front of me, it never crossed my mind that there was another way of doing it.

And as with so many other of these obvious things, the first step towards change is to, in my everyday life, remember that there is something that I wish to change. When I’m in conversations, I need to practice being aware of what is going on inside. Am I listening or just waiting for my turn to speak? Am I listening or planning what I’m going to say next? Am I trying to understand or just to make the other person change his or her mind? Am I asking questions? Are the questions sincere? Do I actually understand what the other person is saying? Am I asking questions to confirm this?

Now, as I said, it’s crucial to remember what we wish to change. I have noticed this in my own life. I know that being present in the moment is better than to be lost in thoughts while not really being there. I know that I have better conversations if to truly listen to what a person is saying, and yet, when the topic is emotional, I get swept up by those emotions and just think of what I want to say, while waiting to get my point across. And I know that other people have interesting things to tell me if I just listen and ask the right questions. And yet I find myself engaging in a monologue about my own knowledge, insights or plans. Have any of this happened to you?

To conclude, I would like to repeat that I don’t think that we should be too hard on ourselves. As I said, we often get so lost in the complexities of life, that we tend to ignore the simple things, such as in this case, how we listen to people. And so we learn to do these essential things in a significantly impaired way. There is no shame in this. It doesn’t make us bad people. Until we noticed, we didn’t know any better. And now that we know, we can change. We’re not perfect. There will be mistakes. I know that I’m stating the obvious here. But we so often forget to be kind to ourselves in the process of working on our serious commitments. We can’t always expect greatness of ourselves. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we know when we’re doing our best and when we’re not. And sometimes it must be okay for us to say: “today I just don’t have the mental energy to struggle with the habits that I wish to change.”

All it takes on our part is a serious commitment to change, in areas of our lives where we believe that change is needed. The rest is up to God.

Useful and useless thoughts

I often hear that in the modern world, we seldom take the time to just think. We always want to distract our minds in some way. Which makes us alienated to ourselves, since this means that we don’t take time to figure ourselves or our lives out. 

I’ve been there. In so many ways. When I was younger, it was a lot of mindless entertainment. Then, as I started to find some meaning in life and became at least a bit ambitious, it was books. And still some mindless entertainment now and then. 

But there is another side to this. Because when I decided to just sit down and think, or at least not listen to something every time I did household chores, I found my thoughts skipping randomly between topics. When I was done, I had thought about things like bills, what people thought of me, my body, groceries, tv-series etc. Consequently, when I was done being alone with my thoughts, I hadn’t grown any wiser. In some instances, I had even managed to get my mood down, by thinking of some problem that I couldn’t do anything about, or someone that I was mad at, or someone that was mad at me. 

This happened even if I decided to be present with my thoughts. Because it took ten seconds for me to forget to be present with them. Only now, many years after I first made this attempt, I am starting to remember to have a conscious relation to my thoughts when I’m alone with them. 

That last sentence sounded a little weird. Re-read it again to make sure that didn’t just read it, but understood it as well.

Priorities

While writing another blog post, I realised that I need to make my finances an absolute priority, since this is what is causing basically all negativity in my life. But what does this mean? How much should I therefore focus on my career? How much on finding financial harmony with my wife? How much on working on my self-discipline, so that I don’t buy expensive, unhealthy food? At the core, I also have to ask myself how I can make my relationship with money more into a spiritual one. How can I let God into my financial life?

Simplifying our lives

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about all of the things that I do that make life harder. And the things that I could do that would make life easier, but which I don’t do. I think that it mostly comes down to laziness and unwillingness to break habits, even though I know that the changes that I’m talking about would make life easier in the long run. I’m talking, for example of the fact that I usually eat healthy, but that I, in the weekend, indulge in some snacks and sometimes a bar of chocolate. Or that I’ve gotten into the habit of drinking a bottle of wine in the weekend.

There is of course nothing wrong with this. But I can feel that it drains some of my energy and that I don’t sleep as well as I would do otherwise. And this costs money. Especially since I don’t buy the cheapest wine. Not the most expensive either. But enough to make it ad up. Especially since I haven’t gotten my finances totally in order yet.

But you’ve got to enjoy life now and then, you might say. Yeah, I’m not saying that I should become an ascetic or anything. But maybe a bottle of wine per month would be more reasonable. And maybe I should limit my intake of snacks and chocolate to a fixed amount. For example, something more healthy, like a bowl of pop corn and maybe a bar of chocolate (even though a more strict part of me wants to cut out sugar altogether).

What if we took a more conscious approach to these small things in life? What would happen?