When we start to slip

It took a long time for me to notice this tendency, which also has been the theme for my previous two blog posts. And these posts are partially me trying to write myself out of my tendency to slip. I’m trying to understand the mechanisms behind it, so that I can more easily notice where things start to go “wrong”. 

It goes something like this: I decide to do something. Or adopt a certain attitude. It goes well at first. But then little changes to my original intent start to creep in. It always start with thoughts. Sometimes it’s pretty straight forward, with thoughts like: “Just this once” or “Maybe I can look at it this way instead.” And suddenly I’m somewhere where I don’t want to be.

But sometimes my mind is more insidious. One good example is that a while back I decided to just accept things as they are. When I did this and just focused on the things that I had direct control over, instead of things where other people were involved, I felt really good. My life felt easy and everything seemed to fall into place. I was in control and thinking happy thoughts.

Then I got a little annoyed over something. And then something came up that I felt that I just couldn’t leave alone. Even though it would in all likelihood not turn into a disaster, it might hinder or delay things that I found important. 

And boom! I was back in resistance. And this resistance sure created obstacles and things that delayed me. Had I chosen not to resist, things might have run smoothly. But because I resisted, I was sure to get exactly what I did not want.

I believe that something crucial here, is kindness towards ourselves. When we start noticing that we have fallen, it’s easy for us to beat ourselves up. It is for me at least. And since going against something that is good for ourselves and others already creates circumstances that make us feel bad, we make it even worse by trash talking ourselves. And this usually leads to even more “bad” behavior. Because the energy that we could have spent on picking ourselves up, is spent on getting ourselves down instead. 

I’m also thinking of something that I touched upon at the beginning of this post: the unconscious part. And this one is tricky. Because the distinction between conscious and unconscious is tricky. There are for sure many thoughts that just slip by unnoticed. But at some point, I do notice them. And when I do, I have the choice of letting them go or holding onto them. Then again, I might be only half-aware of my thoughts and have some awareness in the back of my mind, that I can do something about them, but it doesn’t go any further than that. It never occurs to me that this “something” could be to let them go. And before I’ve done something more with this awareness, something distracts me. And the next time the same or similar thoughts return, I might not at all be aware that I can do anything with them, except for believing them.

I thing that the best way to prevent slipping in the future, is to simply practice becoming more aware of what is going on on the inside. Aware and HONEST towards ourselves about what is going on on the inside. No one is going to do it for us. Because the only ones that know what is going on on the inside, are us and God. And the funny thing is, that we and God are also the only ones that we can never get away from. We and God are the only ones to whom, ultimately, nothing but the facts matter.

Slipping again part 3

This will be the final post about slipping for now, and it will consist of some concluding reflections. 

The first thing that comes to mind, is that there was no way for my wife to be aware of all the things that were bothering me. I wasn’t even aware of half of them before I wrote them down. 

Let’s pause and reflect on this a bit, because it seems somewhat relevant when it comes to negative emotions and conflicts in general. And if I can find the lesson that is to be learned from this, the fall might be a fall forward instead of backwards. And perhaps there is a lesson within the lesson. Namely that every fall contains a lesson, that can turn it into a fall forward, instead of a fall backwards.

The lesson seems to amount to these questions: How can we hope to resolve anything, when we’re not aware of what is causing us to act and feel a certain way? When we let our emotions get the best of us, start acting mindlessly and play the blame game, instead of actually trying to communicate what we feel and why, in an open manner, with the common goal of resolving the conflict and reach a mutual understanding. 

Finally, I want to return to the two tracks that I mentioned in the first post and talk about something that I’m starting to suspect, that I’m not really sure of. As I’m writing this, the time is 11:11. Just wanted to add that. 

What this concerns, is the details in the tracks. What I’m starting to suspect is that every little choice that we make, contribute to which track we are on. One good example, is that I used to make load of what you could call “immoral jokes” in the past. And the more you practice something, the better you get at it. And I’ve been able to get people to laugh quite a lot with these jokes over the years. I still give in to the temptation of telling such jokes from time to time, when an opportunity arises. No harm done, right? 

Right…?

What I think that I’m beginning to see, is that telling these types of jokes can get me into a mindset, where I’m more prone to do other things that get me away from the track that I want to be. The jokes might not in themselves be enough. But if I also choose to indulge in unhealthy food and overeating, let negative thoughts about people slip by my conscious awareness, watch movies with negative content for the sheer pleasure of it and maybe a few other things, it seems to start building towards something more serious. Something where I hurt myself, my relationships and those that I love and care for.

I don’t think that this means that I should just go cold turkey when it comes to any kind of negativity. Darkness is a part of the human experience and my discernment isn’t good enough to know when it’s time to let go of something, and when I’m simply pushing something down, that I for one reason or another am not ready to let go of yet. I, for example, am not convinced that I should just stop watching movies with dark themes and just watch ones with love and light in them. I’ve gained many insights and new perspectives from such movies. But I believe that I can definitely have more discernment as to what I choose to watch, than I’ve had in the past. 

But the jokes are probably not making anything better for anyone. And the thoughts definitely belong to the category of “things that should be let go of”. But I can’t beat myself up too much either. Constantly keeping the mind in check is difficult and requires practice. And I will just drive myself crazy if I don’t apply some acceptance to my inner life.

Slipping again part 2

Since I started the first blog post, another thing also happened. I got angry with my wife over making a decision for me that I didn’t feel that I was consulted properly about. But she was just trying to be helpful. And the thing that I realised afterwards, is that I didn’t care enough about the decision. I didn’t communicate my wishes properly.

The background is that I’ve moved to my own apartment. We’re still married and together, but for different reasons, we can’t live together right now. So, I needed a bed and a sofa. We were in total agreement about the bed. Basically any reasonably comfortable bed of around 160-180 centimetres was fine for me. I knew that I could count on my wife finding such a bed for me. 

The problem was the sofa. She showed me the sofa and said that it was perfect. I took a quick look at the pictures and nodded my approval, feeling that she more or less had decided on the sofa. The thing is, that this was before we decided that I would move to the apartment, when we wanted to have it together, so that we could spend some time alone, away from her teenage daughter. But when the plans changed, I didn’t stop to think that my wants and needs might change as well. 

Long story short: we picked up the sofa and it turned out to be way too big. First, I didn’t say anything about it, thinking that I would just accept things as they were. But then, as we were driving to the apartment, we got into a small argument. My irritation over it lingered. Then, when we got to the apartment, the sofa turned out to be really difficult to put together. I was worn out after a week of hard work and had really longed for just eating something, watch a movie and sort of land in the apartment. Especially since I hadn’t watched a movie by myself in a long time. Now I felt that I would be too tired to watch a movie and that I would probably just crash in bed after we were done.

Adding to the stressors of the particular situation, was the situation of moving away from my wife in itself. While I think that we need to do this for a while, and while I do feel good about being able to do some focused work, that I had trouble doing at home, I also feel sad about this. I am an introvert and I do require a lot of time alone to feel good, which I couldn’t really get at home, I also feel a bit lost and scared without my wife with me by my side. She’s only a few minutes away, but it still feels strange in a way that is difficult for me to handle. 

This also blended with an issue that goes much further back, where I feel that my wife often make decisions without consulting me, or that I just go along with her wishes when she already seems to have made up her mind about something. 

As I’m writing this, I realised something funny. She has said the exact same thing about me. That I just run her over when it comes to certain things, seemingly leaving no room for her to object. There is clearly some more problems with communication than I had already realised.

So, anyway, as I got more and more frustrated from trying to put the sofa together, I started making angry comments about the size of the sofa. It sort of just happened, as these things often do. Emotions that I had been able to keep in check for a while, started to pour over. 

Then, as we returned the trailer that we had used to transport the sofa, we discovered that someone had pulled a really lousy prank on us, attaching the trailer to the car with a steel-wire that had to be cut. At this point, I would have probably beaten up whoever had attached the wire, had I gotten hold of him, even though I’m not a violent person. I was just so angry and frustrated over so many things at that moment, half of which I was only dimly aware of at the moment. I only became aware of them as I put into words exactly what caused my frustration now. 

As you can see, there is a lot of confusion to both what started the conflict, and why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Isn't it always so?

I think that this will be a good time to end this post, and talk about putting things into perspective through writing them down in the third and final post on this subject.