The more I let go, the better my life seems to work

Life is full of distractions. Have you noticed that? The world is full of things that occupy our minds. Things that we attach importance to. And the more we hold on to those things, the more messy things get. I feel that I’ve gone through some sort of shift with this lately. But be that as it may, tomorrow I may very well be caught up in all of the little petty problems of life again. 

And that is what they are. Petty problems. Petty concerns. Petty needs. Petty wants. This is what we all so easily get caught up in. Things have to be a certain way for us to be happy. And we worry about a tomorrow that we know nothing about. 

What should I eat? What should I drink? Will I be able to pay my bills? Will I be able to put food on the table? 

And these are real concerns for many people. From a global perspective, it’s real concerns for most people. But is it for me? Is it for you? Would it really have to be for anyone, if each and every one of us took responsibility for getting our priorities straightened out? I'm obviously not talking about being perfect at this. Just about bringing some consciousness into such matters.

This is the world that we are creating together. And uneven distribution seems to be built into the way that life itself functions. Because more or less everywhere, both in the human and animal world, resources seem to be unevenly distributed. And there seems to be no political solutions to this. The only difference between left and right seems to be how the inequality arises. In liberal, capitalist systems we get an uneven distribution through the market. In socialist systems the political class, and/or those that have so much money that they can pay their way out of any regulations, get the biggest share.

And we often seem to make things worse with loads of mindless doing. Mindless doing that is intended to solve our problems. But that instead push things in the opposite direction from what we say that we want.

Why am I talking about this? Because there is a place where we haven’t looked for solutions yet. At least not on a larger scale. This might also be the place that truly separates us from the rest of the creation.

This place is within. What good could that possibly do? Well, we’ve tried everything else and the world is still in chaos. More so than ever. At least during the past few years. Even though, materially speaking, life is better than ever. 

There seems to be a false and a true personality inside of us. The false one is more or less what is usually referred to as the ego. This false personality is governed by instincts. And it has all these requirements that it needs to have fulfilled in order for life to be good. Those requirements are not something that we have chosen consciously. We have just more or less randomly reacted to the external world. 

Maybe if we take a step back and start to figure ourselves out a bit, instead of running around frantically trying to solve everything that we perceive as wrong, we might actually be able to do something good. If we start separating what is false from what is true inside ourselves. Because maybe there is some truth to the statement: “As within, so without”. 

And to make it clear, we are part of something so much grander that our little thoughts cannot begin to comprehend it. And yet we are so caught up with our thinking. I don’t know exactly what is happening in the world. Only that it’s big. Really big. 

And even if I did find all of the answers that I’m seeking, I’m more or less certain that I could not describe it in words. I know that life and the world are so much more than we can comprehend with the five senses. I know that whatever it is, we are going through some sort of shift on the planet right now. I also know that it has something to do with the Bible and Biblical prophecies. But I also know that I and everyone else only have begun to scratch the surface of things. 

Something that I’ve learned through experience, is that we are all connected through some sort of energy field that runs through us all. And the more I say yes to my experience and stop resisting what is happening in the present moment, the more I can feel it. In other words, the more I let go, the better things get. The more I stop demanding that the world gives me what I want, the more blessing I receive freely. 

So maybe it’s time to stop worrying and start trusting. I’m saying this as much to myself as to everyone else. If we truly believe in God, that God is who he says he is and that everything is in God’s hands, maybe we also need to adopt an attitude that matches this belief. This goes for both our personal issues, as well as the global problems that we are facing today. Maybe if we start looking within and just stop doing the things that we know we should stop doing, this will be enough. Maybe solutions to what seems to be out of our control will present themselves effortlessly. Without the need for a tyranny and forced compliance. 

Maybe what we need is not more force, but more letting go. More focus on the essential, while we ignore what is unimportant or out of our control. And I don’t know about you, but when I look at my days I find so much junk that occupies my awareness. Where would I be today, if I had determined to not allow these things to distract me? Where would you be? Where can we be in a year, if we decide this right now? In ten years?

Putting things into perspective and letting go of our baggage

Objectively speaking a new year doesn’t mean anything. The meaning of a new year only comes from the meaning we give it, individually and collectively. And yet, the power of a fresh start should not be underestimated.

When I started caring about my life and thus started the journey that I’m still on today I was at the bottom. I was a lazy, immoral emotional wreck that only looked out for number one. Today I still have a mess to clean up because of this. I still have a lot of bad habits and negative attitudes that I need to get rid of. And I have a financial situation that, while not being totally terrible, leaves much to be desired. 

You could say that my life was on auto-pilot, while I was living under the illusion of conscious choices. I think that this is part of the human condition that we are currently in. And even when we start understanding that this is how our lives work, much will still continue in the same manner. Because as soon as we stop truly being aware we fall asleep again. Then that pesky auto-pilot comes on. You just need to observe yourself a bit throughout the day to see that this is the way things work.

This has also, most definitely, been true for humanity as a collective, probably ever since we’ve been able to talk about “humanity as a collective” in any meaningful way. This does not work anymore. And let me say this: I don’t think that we are going to continue on this road for much longer. But if we do, global tyranny will be the result.

Since we’re a collective of individuals, it’s up to each and everyone of us to wake up, become conscious of ourselves and the world around us, and then take on as much responsibility as we can handle. What this means will differ depending on where we are in life. But more or less all of us fall short of what we could be.

So, how could I, a fairly intelligent person, be so blind to what was right in front of me? How could I, instead of looking at myself and my shortcomings, time and time again point out the faults of others?

The truth is that before finding God I didn’t care. Because I saw everything as pointless anyway. But even after I started caring, I kept on acting egoistic even though my intent was the opposite. I kept on making excuses for behaviors that I should have recognized as wrong. Why? 

I think that I hadn’t taken a serious look at myself. And at the same time, I managed to see myself as intellectually superior to others.

I hadn’t put my actions or attitudes under any real scrutiny. I lived in a confused fantasy world with a distorted reality perception. A few ingredients in this soup were: a mixture of wishful thinking, arrogance, pride, an inflated ego that stemmed from a low self-esteem, an unfounded sense of superiority and tons of other garbage. I was also not very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes. This last thing is, by the way, something that I’m still struggling with. And I’m hardly alone in this. A lack of empathy seems to be one of the many social diseases that plague our modern world. Especially when it comes to how our own words and actions affect other people.

What I’ve come to realize is that there are rights and wrongs. Very clearly so. And if we want to learn more about this, I believe that the best source is the New Testament of the Bible.

If we act in a way that seems beneficial to us, but is harmful to others and the world, somewhere it will also hurt us. It may give us wealth and pleasure, but it will inevitably destroy our character. For people with a conscience, it will inevitably also cause anxiety. And it certainly does not give us a sense of meaning. Furthermore, it also damages our relationship with other people and ultimately with God, no matter if we believe in him or not. 

These are all harms that can be hidden fairly well. Both from ourselves and others. But they are most certainly there.

I think that almost all of us have things in our lives that we need to change, even if we’re not overall dissatisfied with out lives. But if you’re dissatisfied with where your life is today, the best thing is probably not to be angry with yourself for allowing things to become that way. You didn’t ask for the world to be what it is. You didn’t know that what the world sold you was a junk pile of lies. “This is how it is”, the world said. “This is what’s important and these are the keys to a happy, fulfilled life.” The world took your survival instinct and turned it into a tool of destruction. And it usually takes some sort of crisis for us to become aware of it.

Maybe you didn’t know what you were doing when you created whatever mess you’re in. But it’s still up to you to clean it up. No one is going to do it for you and all of the anger and complaining in the world won’t change that fact. And life is not going to get any better just because you manage to convince someone that you’re not to blame for your situation.

In one sense, we need to accept that we are never going to be perfect. In this sense, we need to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion when it comes to our shortcomings. Because failure to live up to what we could be is a necessary component of life. Even for the greatest among us. And in the end, whatever we cannot do ourselves we need to lay in the hands of God.

That being said, we must never allow acceptance to turn into resignation. Especially not in these troubled times, with global tyranny being a real threat that looms in the horizon. No matter who and where we are, we need to be able to stand as strong as we are capable of.

When we think of what we want to let go of, I think that it’s worth engaging in some serious thought about who we want to become. Who we are in relation to who we say that that we want to be. And why we want to be who we say that we want to be. 

We probably don’t want to replace everything in our lives. Some have less baggage. Others have more. But no matter what, there is another truer self inside us that is waiting to be born. One that comes through in those sides of us that feel true. That don’t just seem created by our experiences, circumstances and automatic reactions to them. I know that you can feel this true version of yourself. The one that is buried underneath the various layers of falseness that have been created by being both in the world and of it.

I would propose that we need to rethink our ideal if the honest answer to why we want to be who we want to be, is that we want to be admired by others. I would also caution against making any type of “happy” into some sort of end goal.

Now, let me be the first one to admit that I’m not very good at following Jesus. There are still huge remnants inside of me, of the person I no longer wish to be. There are sides of me that are selfish, moody, judgmental and fearful. Just to name a few things.

Yet, I think that the best way of doing this self-inventory, is in light of the ideal of Jesus. Because, even though it’s in practice impossible to live up to such an ideal, why aim for anything less? Jesus knew that the only way to true freedom and happiness, was in the obedience to God and the service to others. This is of course not what the world tells us. But is the ways of the world making us feel free and happy?

Have Faith!

Everything is in God’s hands. EVERYTHING is in God’s hands! In these troubled times it’s so easy to forget that. That there is a plan. That no matter how things look on the surface, both on a global and personal level, ultimately everything is going to be okay. This is what the Bible promises. This is what many of the Bible stories point to. For example when Moses parts the sea, when David slays Goliath, when Daniel and his friends walk into the fiery furnace, when Peter walks on the water with Jesus or when Jesus calms the raging storm. No matter what happens, God is always there with us. Even when the apostles were martyred, they knew that they were going home.

With this I don’t mean to trivialize the suffering that is happening in the world. But if we have faith, we know that the suffering does not take place in an ultimately meaningless world. We know that there will be redemption for those who suffer.

We all have our proverbial demons (and maybe some literal ones as well). One of mine is worries about money. I know perfectly well that my worries are very small in comparison to what many people go through. Me and my wife can still pay our bills and put food on the table. And we have a safety net of people around us if something goes seriously wrong.

Yet, when everything gets more expensive I worry. And I’m imagining all kinds of scenarios where we have to freeze and don’t have food, because we don’t have a solid financial ground to stand on. This is not to have faith. Faith is to do one’s best with what one has and leave the rest to God. Faith is to look boldly at the uncertainty of the future and say: “thy will be done”. 

What I have control over, is what I do with my relationship with my creator and the people around me. I have control over what kind of person I become through my daily choices. I can control what kind of character I develop.

Luckily this is where we can find our strongest foundation. Not in material possessions or riches. Our strongest foundation is built on where we stand with God, who we are and the people we surround ourselves with. 

By focusing on my little worries, I both distrust God and display a lack of proper care. 

What do I mean by “lack of proper care”?

Let me give you an example. Right now, billionaires all over the world are building bunkers, that are built to protect and maintain a comfortable lifestyle during a crisis. In other words, in the face of a global disaster, they think primarily of saving themselves and their families. 

But in light of what often runs through my mind at this time, am I so different? Are you? What are the chances that we would do the same if we could? 

Proper care means to focus on the greater picture. What at least I instead often focus on, is how everything affects me personally. How the state of the world interferes with my own goals, plans, dreams, wishes and desires. This while I ought to focus on what God wants with my life.

This leads to some tough questions: Is my life focused around what God wants or what my ego wants? Do my thoughts, words and actions match my answer, if I’m being honest with myself? 

I know that my answers to these questions are far from satisfying. But a serious attempt at being honest with oneself is at least a start.

I believe that faith is crucial here. Faith in that we don’t live in a cold, indifferent world where the future is completely uncertain. Faith in that there is a meaning to everything that is happening. Faith in that everything is in God’s hands. Faith that whatever happens, we can still trust God in the end. Faith that God holds us and preserves us, even in death.

What God asks of us, is to be okay with uncertainty. With not knowing everything in advance. To not let the world fool us into believing that there is no hope beyond politics, economics and science. To trust that whatever comes our way, ultimately it’s for the best. To truly believe in a life and a reality beyond this one, not just with our intellects, but with our whole being. To truly believe in God. That God is a personal God, that cares intimately for us. That he has a plan for everything that is happening right now. That God wants a relationship with us and that, in his time and not ours, he wants to give us everything. To allow these beliefs to shine through our thoughts, words and actions.

Have faith! 

Radical love and awareness

Jesus didn’t just show us what we could be. He also taught that it is our natural state. He showed us this natural state through his character and actions. He showed us what unconditional love looks like. 

Now, we may get confused about what unconditional love means. To love unconditionally is to love no matter what. But a person that loves unconditionally can still demand things of others. Just not as a condition for love. Jesus demanded things of people. He said: “This is what you need to do to follow me” and “This is what you need to do if you want to be free and happy”. The world is what it is and it comes with its conditions. And no matter how much Jesus loves, as long as we live in a fallen world, he can’t help us out of our bondage unless we do what he says that we need to do in order to be free. 

In any interaction with another person, we can choose to meet that person with love and openness. This is our natural state. But from the day we were born, we have been programmed to respond otherwise. Therefore, what should come natural is hard for most of us. What should come natural is met with resistance. I am no exception to this. This is not something that I have conquered within myself. And this is where it has to begin: within ourselves. Actions and words that on the surface are identical, can have opposite meanings depending on what inner state that they stem from.

In any interaction with another person, we can choose to think loving thoughts about the person. We can choose what qualities to focus on. And every time we make such a choice, our hearts open or close a little bit. Love is a feeling that exists in infinite abundance, we can choose it any time and it is always possible to cultivate more of it.

Jesus said: “turn the other cheek” and “love your enemies”. He also told us over and over again to look at our own shortcomings, instead of finding faults in others. These are very clear instructions. There is very little room for misunderstanding here.

So why don’t we always cultivate love. For me, at least part of the reason was that no one told me that I had a choice. At least not in a way that got through to me. And here is where the programming comes in. We learn so many things without questioning them. From movies, music, the news, people around us and other channels, we learn that we live in a hostile world full of selfish people. We learn that power struggles is a necessary part of life, that we live in scarcity and that we need to take what we can and guard ourselves against others. We learn that material possessions and status are important for a happy life. We learn that self esteem comes from putting others in their place and taking revenge. We learn that we should feel offended when we think that someone has wronged us. Just to name a few ways of functioning in the world, that have nothing to do with love, that many of us learn without questioning. 

It is very much a question of awareness whether we make a conscious choice about these matters or not. We may for example feel justified in our anger towards someone. Maybe the person has intentionally wronged us in some way. But if we manage to take a step back and observe what is going on, we can consider what course of action is most beneficial to all concerned parties. Hint: It’s usually not to go off on a slanderous rant as we vent our hurt feelings to a mutual friend. In fact, if we can stop ourselves at the level of our thoughts, this is usually the best way of approaching the issue. If we can keep calm and remember that our thoughts do not represent reality. 

The problem is that we are seldom fully aware of what is going on inside of our own heads. We often assume that we are. But upon closer inspection, we notice all kinds of nonsense in our minds. We notice that there is a constant chatter in our minds whether we like it or not, that we believe many thoughts without sufficient reason and that we often confuse thoughts and feelings. For example. 

We also notice something else, which is very relevant here. Namely that once a negative emotion gets hold of us, we lose our conscious awareness. Then the emotion starts to color our thoughts and perceptions, it becomes much easier to mistake our distorted perception of reality for reality and to start engaging in behavior that has no clear purpose. Such as saying something that we may regret later, to- or about another person. Such as acting in a way that is not loving.

But we often do have a few seconds where we remember, for example, a commitment not to judge. But then comes the justifications: “He or she did this or that to me”. Or we simply pretend that we didn’t hear the little reminder of our commitment at all. Our inner life is interesting in that way, in a rather frightening manner. We often know, on some level, that we have the choice of stopping ourselves. But another side of us doesn’t want to. And when this side wins we let go. And when we let go we go unconscious and words seem to flow more or less automatically out of our mouths. 

We may come to our senses after a while, much depending on our level of maturity. But not before having given ourselves another reason not to trust ourselves. For what reason? Why do we do such things? The only honest answer is: “I don’t know”. As with many, if not most, of our behaviors, we may think up an explanation for them. But if we are being honest with ourselves, it is just that - something that we have thought up. 

The good news is that the more awareness we bring into the present moment, the easier it becomes to make different choices. The easier it becomes to catch ourselves before we think, act and speak in an unloving manner. The easier it becomes to choose love. And the more we choose love, the closer we get to our rebirth in the image of God. In Christ likeness. Which is the goal of every human, whether we recognize it or not.

Letting go of what's unimportant

There are really only three truly important things in life. Our relationship with God and all that it entails, our relationship with others and our relationship with ourselves. If you believe that these two sentences hold some truth, it becomes obvious that it’s our relationships that are important. I would even stretch it so far as to say that there is something divine about our relationships. So why are we having such a hard time taking proper care of our relationships? Here are some some factors in my life: stress, fears, worries, disappointments, financial issues, trust-issues. Just to name a few. 

Many of us carry around lots of baggage that affects how we act towards those around us. Act in ways that we neither see nor understand. As with so many difficulties in life, the first step to healing is awareness. We need to be present with ourselves. Observe ourselves. Try to see and understand what is happening when it happens.

Some spiritual teachings tell us that we have to let go of everything in this world, including the attachments that we have to the ones that we love. I believe that this is wrong. Plain and simple. We’re supposed to care for those around us. And when something happens to them we’re supposed to care. When someone that we love dies, we’re supposed to grieve. And since I know God exists, that we go on living after we die and that the Bible is right about those things that I can confirm through my own experience, I take comfort in the idea that I will see those that I love that have passed away again. You may find this a bit childish, but I even hope that this includes pets. Because why not?

You see, I’m beginning to see that the Christian faith has room for not just one type of faith and relationship with God. It does have room for the child-like faith that I just described, where God embraces us after we die, wipes our tears and tells us that absolutely everything is okay. And it also has room for a relationship with a God that is the infinite, all-powerful ruler of heaven and earth, whose love and glory is so magnificent, that we cannot even begin to comprehend it. The God that calls us to grow out of our petty egos and into ruthless self-examinations, so that we can die from all that is immature, selfish and wicked. 

How far most of us have strayed from this type of relationship with God. How far I have strayed from it. Comfort has silently taken over us. Made many of us weak and numb. And when the conveniences that we’ve gotten used to get taken away or don’t work properly it causes frustration. At least it does for me. How easy it is for our attention to get drawn away from what’s important to that which is unimportant. 

There are in general so many irrelevant things in my life that take up energy and attention. When all I really want to do is live the kind of godly life that I just spoke about. A life where God is always at the centre. A life where my thoughts are always occupied with God and where God colors all of my actions, words and even thoughts. This might sound like the goal of a fanatic. But if we truly believe in God and that he is who the Bible says he is, how could things be any other way? And to be clear, I have no wish to ever force anything on anyone. I don’t believe that anything good ever can come from coercion and I’m firmly against any expression of religion that relies on it. Only falseness can come from it. I only wish for others to see for themselves what I today know to be true. Not because I need to be right or need others to agree with me, but because I know that God exists and that true meaningfulness can only come from having him in our lives. How could I not want this for others?

In my day to day life and my spiritual practices, I’ve in different ways caught glimpses of a world beyond this one. Of what a life where I fully walk with God would be like. Felt the love that our creator has for us. I don’t expect anyone to take my word for it. I don’t believe that anyone should take anyone’s word for anything. This is not about mere belief. I cannot say how long it will take, but I believe that whoever knocks on the proverbial door will see it open eventually.

Since I’ve felt some of what I believe to be the eternity that the Bible promises, I know that whatever this world offers pales in comparison. And yet, I’m often sucked into the worries and feelings of lack that for most of us is a necessary component of this life: “I want this. I don’t have that. This doesn’t work the way it should. How am I going to get through this? Why can’t things be different from what they are? Are things ever going to be different?” Etcetera. 

I’ve noticed that my memory works pretty strange when it comes to this. Because it seems as if I can’t be caught up in this world and remember all of the signs that point to a better world at the same time. When I’m caught up in the worries of this life, it seems as if this life is all there is. When this happens, all of the little temporal, passing things of this life and this world, suddenly seem terribly important. Even though I, on some level, know that most of them will have passed away in a month or a year. This while God’s kingdom is forever.

I personally have a fair balance between joy and suffering in my life. Many people suffer more, while other suffer less. But a fact of life is that even those that don’t suffer much today, will in all likelihood suffer more some time during their lives. And suffering is still suffering no matter what. But it’s much easier to bear when we have the solid ground of faith beneath our feet. Not a faith of wishful thinking, but one whose truth is firmly planted in our hearts.

Whether I, in the situations that I face throughout my day, can remember what’s important, seems to have a lot to do with awareness. Can I be conscious enough to notice that I’m slipping before it’s too late? 

Are you beginning to see why cultivating more present moment awareness is so important? This is something that we can do always. Just get into the habit of consciously noticing what is going on as often as possible throughout the day. Being really present with our senses. Noticing both what is going on in the external world and what we’re thinking, feeling and what is going on inside the body. That is all that it takes really. We can read tons of books about mindfulness. I have. But this is all that is really needed. And here comes a little hint: Much more is going on inside the body than we usually are aware of. Just try for yourself and put more focus on what sensations pass through it and see what happens.

Being okay with confusion

I'm a little scared of posting this text. Because I'm going to be personal about my spiritual life in a way that differs from previous blog posts. What do I want with this post? To give you a better idea of where I'm coming from and where the things that I talk about come from.

Something very strange is happening in the world. I’ve talked about this many times before. Is it the Ascension process? Or the End Times? A little bit of both? Something completely different?

Have you noticed that strange things are starting to happen in your life on a personal level as well? I know that I have. And I know that this is true for many other people. But contrary to most people, I’m not at all sure exactly what this is or what it means. I thought that I was. But I’m not at all anymore. And I’m not sure if this is a strength or weakness. Maybe a bit of both. I think that my biggest strength lies in God and Jesus. Because most people that are going through a spiritual awakening seem to have missed the personal relationship with God. Something that I know for a fact is at the very centre of everything that is happening right now. In all of the doubt and confusion that I’m going through, this is one thing that I don’t doubt for a second. The confirmations that I’ve received about this are overwhelming. 

Even though on a personal level, it has been proven to me, over and over again, that something is happening, on the planet, with me, my wife and many other people, I can still not help asking myself if it’s all just in my head. Of course we can take this one step further. Because if you think about it, it’s obvious that ultimately I can’t be sure that anything I’m experiencing is real. I only have access to what my senses tell me. At least when it comes to my interaction with the world. As a matter of fact, I cannot be sure that the world is anything like what I experience inside my head. I have to live as if this is true though, because life would be impossible to live otherwise. But I cannot know for sure. 

As things become stranger and stranger, both in the world and on a personal level, faith and doubt seem more and more inseparable. More and more indispensable. Because I need to hold on to the faith that this is real and that it’s leading somewhere. But I have to try and stay as clear and grounded as possible, as I’m facing a reality that by its very nature is overwhelming, frightening and confusing. 

Whatever else may be true, if I feel that God is communicating with me and my wife, I think that the best response to it is to treat it as real. If it was just a voice inside my head I should probably go seek medical assistance. But it’s nothing like that at all. I’m not going to get into any details about it. But it’s more like seeing the hand of God in the everyday events of my life. Life doesn’t just seem chaotic, random and devoid of meaning, as it used to. Life seems to speak to me, and to my wife, in different ways. So much so that it’s next to impossible to dismiss it as figments of our imagination. Especially since we’ve experienced many things together. 

I don’t know exactly what God wants with me. And from hereon out I’m going to talk about my experiences. If my wife wishes to talk about hers, she can do so in her own words. 

What I know for sure is that it has nothing to do with my character, accomplishments, goodness or good looks. Whatever God wants with me, he must have his reasons. But it surely has nothing to do with anything that I can take credit for. Even though a part of me definitely wants to. And I honestly don’t know if I could potentially mess up one time too many. In other words, if whatever I’m supposed to do could be passed on to someone else. Because I’ve messed up so many times since this whole thing started. Sometimes I feel that my past is just one big, messy fog of mistakes, bad behavior and self-deception.

At this point, I’ve lost a couple of friends. And there are probably quite a few people that think that I’ve lost my mind. Or that I’m balancing on the edge of insanity. Quite frankly, I’m asking myself whether I’m going crazy sometimes. Because I know that there is something that I’m supposed to communicate. Discussions that I’m supposed to have. Questions that I’m supposed to ask. People that I’m supposed to meet. But honestly, I feel rather confused. And nothing that I do ever seems to lead anywhere. And yet, when I’m close to completely losing hope, God calls on me in one way or another, telling me to hang on. 

If I could show you what I’ve experienced, you would understand why I, in one sense, am so sure about that I need to keep doing what I’m doing. Even if I don’t know what I’m doing myself sometimes. While I’m in another sense filled with so much doubt, in spite of all of what I’ve experienced. As I said, it doesn’t seem to lead anywhere. And I’m so confused about all of this and what it means. 

Die to live

Before we can simply let go and be reborn, there are so many things that we cling on to, that we have to let go of. We cling on to our social status, career, different pleasures, political opinions, aspirations and so on. These are some of the most common things that we cling to, but the list could be almost endless. 

A funny paradox in all of this, is that it seems like that in order for us to begin to let go, we first need to fully accept that these things are in our lives and not judge ourselves for it. It's not about being hard on ourselves or disliking ourselves, but about seeing what is there and being honest with what it does to us. Remember that we're all sinners.

While there is much in the world that we need to let go of if we want to live dignified lives, God created the world and saw that it was good. This does not change just because sin and corruption has entered the picture. So to just look at it as a garbage dump full of misery that we should strive to remove ourselves from, does not seem like a wise thing to do. I believe something like this: We need to learn to live in the world the way God intends for us to live in it and not in the way that our culture tells us to. To enjoy life and the pleasures of God’s creation in the way that God intended. To focus on what’s essential instead of getting caught up in what doesn’t really matter. Instead of getting caught up in trivialities. Ultimately, to learn to view life from a God-centered eternity-perspective. Because if we truly believe in God and that life will continue after death, to strive for this perspective ought to follow logically.

Jesus says: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). The Bible is full of verses about dying to self so that one can live. So that one can become renewed. There is an old self that has to die, so that another, more real self can live. If we follow this line of reasoning, there is a very simple conclusion, which is staring us right in the face when we read the Bible: There is a right and a wrong way when it comes to how we conduct ourselves in our day-to-day lives. There is a right and a wrong way when it comes to how we treat other people and ourselves. There is a right and a wrong way when it comes to how we eat, drink and conduct ourselves. I would even argue that there is a right and a wrong way when it comes to our posture, how we breathe and how we treat our attention. Do we pay attention consciously or do we let chance dictate what we pay attention to?

This last bit, about our attention, is important here. Because something happens when we pay conscious attention to something. If we for example pay attention to our breathing, it becomes more calm and natural all by itself, if we don’t try to do anything with it. There is also a warning implied here. Because attention matters gravely. Think about it. How much what you pay attention to dictates your life. Really think about it. And now think about our society, where there is constantly something ot someone that tries to grab our attention, as loudly as possible. Think about what such a society may do to us if we don’t consciously choose to take control of our attention. Give it some thought. What role does you attention play in your life? And are you consciously trying to control your attention?

We may have very different beliefs about what is going on in the world right now. About the crisises that we are facing. About their origins, severity, what is most dangerous, which people and what information we can trust. But no matter what, I believe that everyone, right in this moment, is called to a renewal in Christ. We may have different views when it comes to many theological issues. But when it comes to the basics of how to conduct ourselves in our day-to-day lives the Bible is very clear. And if we don’t take things out of their context, the truth of what the Bible teaches about this is easy to recognize. Even more so when it is applied. Jesus sets the example that we need to follow, no matter how many times we mess up when we try to do so. We should love, forgive, turn the other cheek, practice non-judgment, do everything with moderation, put our own lives under scrutiny instead of trying to find faults in other people, pray in earnest for our enemies, and so on. 

If we shift our focus a bit, we can in all likelihood find things in our lives that we can change, that do not take any real effort. Do we, for example, really have to take our political opinions so seriously, that we condemn others for having opinions that we find disagreeable? Do we have to speak ill of other people’s lifestyle choices for no good reason? When it might really be our culture, that encourages people to make unsound choices, that we need to criticize? The point is that we do so many things, that do not contribute to who we want to be without even thinking about it. Often without thinking about that we have a choice. 

It might be time to ask ourselves some tough questions: Do I want to become a person that lives up to what it means to be made in the image of God? Do I believe that this is something that I may want to prioritize? Put some time, energy and effort into? Or do I feel that I have other, more important, priorities in my life? If so, why? What is more important than God and to strive be and live the way God intended?

Let me emphasize that I’m not speaking from any high horses here. I don’t look at myself as a particularly good person. How I do see myself however, is as someone that has something to communicate. As someone who is in many ways weak, broken, full of shortcomings and moral failures. But also as someone that sincerely tries to become better. As someone who has been asked by God to do something, even though I don’t know exactly what. Only that it may have something to do with this very striving to become a better, more Christ-like person.

I see myself as someone who has done nothing to deserve this calling, but on the contrary has committed many unworthy acts. All the way from unnecessary and slightly harmful, to seriously shameful and destructive. The only thing that I’ve done to deserve this, is to say yes to the calling, no matter what it may entail. But I’ve also moaned and complained a lot about my everyday struggles. I've often had a hard time keeping up my trust in God. So I guess that I haven’t said yes completely to the whole package. But I at least think that I’m making some progress. That I’m beginning to accept more and more of my hardships as parts of my journey.

There seems to be no other way than to clean house completely, no matter how long it takes. We need to look not just at our habits, but the way we speak and what thoughts we fill our heads with. Yes, our whole personalities. And it cannot be just something that we decide on doing. We need to observe ourselves and consciously decide to break our behavioral patterns. Over and over again. Till we’re completely renewed. From inside out. Does it sound overwhelming? The good news is that it can be practiced all the time, whatever we are doing. And no one is expecting us to be perfect. It doesn’t matter how good or bad we are at this. It’s not that kind of game. Contrary to the games of the world, this is not a competition and what matters here is truly that we try our best. We’re not expected to reach or even hope for perfection. At least not in this life. But, also contrary to the games of the world, there is no way that we can cheat or fool anyone in this game. 

Being okay with who we are

I’m beginning to think that I’ve missed something crucial. Or rather overlooked and misunderstood. Namely being okay with who I am, where I am. To look at my life and say: “this is what I’ve got to work with”, be grateful for it and do my best to make the best out of it.

I’ve read a bunch of the New Age “love yourself” lovey-dovey crap. That is not what I’m talking about. Positive affirmations have never worked for me. I feel exactly nothing when I stand in front of the mirror and say “I love you” to myself. Because itäs just words, coming out of my mouth. I think that real, non-narcissistic self-love is a rather complex process.

Ultimately I think that this is an issue of trusting God. Of believing that even though God has allowed me to mess up so many things, he still has a purpose for everything. Of believing that he can take my brokenness and turn it into something good. Of being content with not knowing what this good is or when it will happen. 

I’ve never felt entirely comfortable in my own skin. And I’m often not okay with being me. I beat myself up for past mistakes. Most of all, I’m mad at myself for the mess that my past self has left for my present self to clean up.

It feels strange to know quite a lot about psychology and spirituality and yet feel that I have so little control over myself and my life. I can see more or less exactly where my problems lie, but I seem unable to do much about them. 

Then I see all of these spiritual teachers that seem to have everything figured out. But I’m truly starting to think that it’s just surface. Marketing strategy. Because people are messy and complicated. It seems to be part of what it means to be human. And when some spiritual teacher displays his or her perfect life and tells me how easy it is to build such a life, it does not inspire me. It makes me feel inadequate. Because when I’ve tried these supposedly easy solutions to life’s problems, I’ve failed over and over again. I do feel that I’ve grown a lot as a person the last few years. And I’ve cleaned up my act quite a bit. It’s true that we do have a fair bit of control when it comes to how we treat ourselves and everyone and everything that are in our lives. 

But I’m I also still struggling on many levels. And there are only a handful of all of the teachings that I feel have actually contributed to my growth. This while many instead have made me more confused. 

One of the people that has had most positive impact on me is Jordan Peterson. He most definitely doesn’t talk about how easy everything it supposed to be. Instead he talks about how life is hard and full of tragedy, but also that we have much more capacity inside ourselves to handle the human condition than we think. That how well we handle life’s storms depends on what kind of character we’ve built. This message, coupled with some truly useful advise, is one that I can get behind.

What I want to say with this, is that many teachings seem to give us unrealistic expectations in life. Instead of being happy with whatever God lays in our path, we instead wonder why things aren’t better. And we feel bad because things don’t flow as smoothly as promised. We feel that there must be something wrong with us. 

What you should know is that if you’re not living the dream, as the YouTubers that you are following, that’s okay. Most of us don’t. Most of us can’t earn a living doing what we’re passionate about. And many struggle to make our everyday lives work. And that has to be okay. God loves us and has a plan for us anyway. 

And here’s the thing: The best people among us, those that do much more than just talk, don’t seem to be problem free people. There is only one perfect person in the whole Bible. Everyone else are different degrees of broken. And I’m beginning to think that those that present themselves as perfect are selling us a lie.

On the other hand, a wise person recently told me that the fruits of the spirit have the quality of fruits. Which means that they have to be watered, nourished and be given time to grow and ripen. So I guess that there might be a point down the line where I feel more confident and put together. But when a bunch of twenty-somethings come out and say that they more or less have figured life out, I believe that it should be viewed with suspicion. And I think that anyone that makes similar claims should display the utmost humility and love in everything they say and do. Because if there is something that I strongly believe, is that the degree to which we’ve figured things out, is directly proportional to the size of our egos. 

What I want to get to with this rather lengthy discussion, is the simple idea that one of the most important things we have to learn, is to work with what we’ve got. Learn to stop wishing for things to be different. Or wait till life is different, makes more sense and we have our acts together before we can live and do what we feel called to do. We have to do so even if we have to stumble around in darkness, no matter how long it has to take. 

Because God is calling right now. Not when we feel ready, but when God says that it’s time. And all that we can do is trust. Through the insecurities, doubts, struggles and feelings of hopelessness, God tells us to trust. Even though we feel broken, lost, confused and friends fail us, God reaches out his hand and tells us to trust. Promises us to use even our brokenness for good. Promises that there is a meaning to everything, even if we can’t see it. And the journey must begin with saying yes to life as it is, right here and now. No matter how hard it seems.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash