There is nothing wrong with you Part 3

To talk about the “age of social media” has become a cliché. And yet we keep falling into the same social media traps over and over again. We can choose to only show our best moments. We can add photo-filters and remove anything that makes us look less than perfect. And the more we do it, the more it becomes a habit. Something that we just do without thinking about it. Without thinking about why, what it means or how it affects us.

I’m hardly the first one to point this out: We just see the highlights of most people’s lives. And even if we intellectually know that we cannot possibly be the only person in the world that has problems, this is more or less how the world seems. Consequently, this is to a large extent how we unconsciously interpret the world. This is at least my experience. But until I became aware of it, it was an unconscious process. This is something that is true of many things: What my intellect knows, is often not the same as what I unconsciously believe. And the more removed from myself that I am, the harder it is to see these things.

So, to conclude: There is nothing wrong with you. Most of us are confused and messed up in one way or another. And I believe that most people will allow us to be human if we dare to show our humanness to them. And those that don’t are not worth having in our lives anyway. In our distant past, our status within the group could mean life or death, and our brains are adapted to these circumstances. But we don’t have to be passive victims of our psychology. And if one person doesn’t accept us as we are, there are millions that will. 

There is nothing wrong with you Part 2

One of the things that I discovered when I started looking at myself, was that I kept people at a distance. Furthermore that I pushed people away. This was not something that I did consciously. It just happened and I don’t know exactly why, even though it obviously had to do with traumatic experiences during my teenage years. And by putting up this wall around me, I got further and further away from myself as well.

Everyone’s wall doesn’t look the same. Mine was one of toughness, intellectualism and rebelliousness. Someone else’s might be of, for example, beauty, success and a glamorous social life.

What I’ve realized is that when we are too occupied with our surfaces we become superficial. The more we polish our facades, the more we identify with these facades. And the less we look at our real selves. And consequently, the more we try to hide our shadows, the more we also hide them from ourselves. But they are still there.

I want to live in a world where we are not afraid of each other. Where we can be vulnerable and share shameful secrets without fear of judgment. And if I want this change, I have to be part of that change. I have to dare to be vulnerable. I have to stop fearing judgment and I have to become aware when my impulse to judge kicks in, so that I can choose not to engage with it.

There is nothing wrong with you Part 1

Most of us carry around these heavy burdens. But we don’t talk about them, because we are ashamed. I think that people have always raised facades around them. People have always wanted to look better than they are. The only true exceptions are those that are so broken, that they see no point in trying to hide their brokenness anymore. Whether it’s one aspect of their lives that they cannot keep in the darkness anymore, or whether their whole lives are totally messed up.

There are quite a few exceptions of course. But the norm is to hide our weaknesses and amplify our strengths. Bonus points if we manage to trick ourselves into believing that we are these infallible selves that we want others to see.

When I look at myself, my thoughts, words, actions and motives, I just find more and more dirt. I’m often selfish, prideful, arrogant, narcissistic, self-centered, judgmental, sometimes manipulative and I sometimes act cowardly. Just to name a few things. But until I started to become more present, more mindful, and started to seriously look at myself, I didn’t know any of these things. And the more I see it in me, the easier it seems to be to see it in others, but without the judgment that comes from only seeing it in others. On the other hand, if I have yet to discover something that I see in others within myself, judgment often comes like a knee-jerk reaction. But I don't want it to. Because I don't want to judge others.