The difficulty of letting go and just trust

I believe that I have enough reasons to just let go and trust God in whatever is happening in my life. It has at the core something to do with an inner change that I’ve been going through the past few years, that has been so remarkable that it should leave little doubt. I’ll leave it at that. Maybe I’ll talk about why in the future.

But no matter what happens on a spiritual level, I seem to be dragged down by everyday life. I still worry about finances, bills, debts (yeah, all my worries can basically be boiled down to money). 

I know that there is a divine plan. And I’m starting to suspect that everything that happens in my life, happens for a reason. That everything is just as it should be. That I don’t have to worry about getting old and realise that my life has just passed me by. Because when I think about it, even though some parts of my life are a mess and I’m living a fairly dull life on the outside, there is so much going on that is nothing short of miraculous. So miraculous that I should be content if life happens to just pass me by and I die with all my dreams unfulfilled. Because I know that in one form and another, eternity awaits me after death, even though I’m not sure what it entails.

But when I’m not present, I don’t see. When I’m not present, I tend to forget, because my thoughts drift into worries and things that my ego wishes to be different. And even when I am present, I have a hard time not making things important, which should only be important if they are part of God’s plan.

I remember reading or hearing somewhere, that Mother Teresa had her religious experiences when she was young and then had to go through life, with all her acts of selflessness, trusting in what she experienced in her youth, without any new experiences to add fuel to what once happened to her. Whether this is true or not, I don’t know. It’s not important in the context.

The thing is that, in my naiveté, I thought: If you’ve once had them, how can you start doubting. Now, I’m no Mother Teresa ;). I’m a huge sinner that has mostly lived a selfish life. And I’m not saying this in the humble way that saints do, once they become aware of their shortcomings. I’ve done some truly crappy things in my life. Things that most people would not do.

But you can of course go back to the bible and see all the places where doubt is mentioned, to see that even those that lived closest to Jesus had doubts about incredible miracles that they had seen with their own eyes. 

I now understand that this is how it is. Memories fade. It doesn’t take more than a year for doubts to creep in. What once was so real, gets questioned. Did it really happen the way I remember it? I don’t remember all the details, so how can I be as sure as I was then? What I most have to lean on, is my former certainty. 

But it’s not just that memories fade. It seems as if the ego cannot comprehend anything spiritual. It doesn’t matter how many amazing things that happen. After a while, I’m drawn back into my trivial everyday-life worries. No matter how much God reassures me that he exists and that everything is as it should be, I cannot trust when I’m overwhelmed with financial worries and other issues that tend to bog me down. Why is it so hard to trust God, when he has since way back removed all my doubts about his existence? Why does it seem as if there is a thick wall between my spiritual and my material life?