Opening my heart and accepting everything

I can feel that a radical shift is happening within me. It’s been going on for quite some time now. But I still have a lot that I need to let go of. Because this is what it’s about: letting go. Letting go of wanting other people to change. Letting go of wanting reality to be something other than what it is. Letting go of vindictiveness, resentment, judgment, victim mentality and in general all of my lower emotions. 

I’ve realized just how much I’ve weighed myself down with all of the mental and emotional junk that I’m carrying around. 

So, what is at the core of the inability to let go? It’s attachment. Attachment to the need for things to be a certain way. Attachment to certain outcomes. I fall back into this attachment over and over again. I know that shouting at the world will not help one bit. And yet I’m there, over and over again. But I feel that I’m letting go more and more. I think that the best way of going about this, is to, as much as possible, accept where I am and not judge what I have not yet been able to let go of. Accept and bring as much awareness into it as possible. Because when I resist my issues they persist. When I feel the most connected with God, I only get the feeling that everything is okay. That I am where I’m supposed to be. 

This does not mean that my choices don’t matter. And definitely not that I shouldn't take action when it's appropriate. It's more or less the opposite. It's about taking exactly the choices and actions that I deem appropriate, regardless of the results that they may or may not lead to.

What is resistance?

A while back I talked about the inner resistance. How we tense up inside and try to block whatever is going on in the present moment. This is part of a bigger pattern of living in a state of resistance towards what is. 

Let me give you an example from just this morning. I wanted to get up one hour earlier than my wife. But I didn’t want to disturb her sleep more than necessary. We have a very small bedroom with no given place to put our clothes. And in the darkness I couldn’t find the clothes. I knew that the more time I spent looking for my clothes, the more I would disturb her sleep. So I quickly started to feel stressed. And with the stress, frustration started building. 

I of course found my clothes, after having made sure that there was no way my wife would be able to go back to sleep. And I got dressed with negative emotions lingering in my body.

The point is that that my irritation and frustration over something very trivial did nothing to help the situation. On the contrary, it made me stop thinking about what I was doing, which most certainly prolonged the situation. 

And yet, we have trained ourselves to respond to situations that we perceive as negative in this way. This is resistance. According to Eckhart Tolle, behind all of this is the ego’s unconscious and erroneous belief that we can change our circumstances by making them “wrong”.

We cannot help that we have negative emotions. But we can help how we respond to them. Every time that we get frustrated, blame, criticize etcetera, we are resisting. These are a few examples to help explaining what this is about. But really, every time we make a situation “wrong” in our thoughts and attitudes towards it, we are resisting. And the paradoxical is that there is no point resisting the resistance. As with so many things, the only thing we can do about it is bringing awareness to it, while reminding ourselves that the resistance does nothing to help the situation.

We sometimes think that resistance is valid. The thought may be something like this: I want this, so I’m going to make someone or something bend to my will. But how often has this led to the desired result? On the other hand, when we stay calm and instead put focus on what we can do, while not expecting anything in particular from the world, we start taking our power back. 

What is INNER RESISTANCE and what can you do about it?

Most of us, including myself, carry around an inner resistance. You can feel this as a tightening of the muscles in your body and in your head. As a tightening of the facial muscles. This is because we unconsciously want to block the energy of the present moment. Above all, we resist our emotions and therefore we hold on to them instead. Often they turn into the aforementioned tensions in the body.

I know that this sounds like some vague nonsense. But it’s not. It’s a real phenomenon that I am trying to put into words as best I can. My wording may be lacking however. In fact, my wording is most certainly lacking. But believe me, this is real. You can feel this resistance in every given moment. And when you feel the resistance and bring your attention back to the present moment without holding on to it, you can feel a relief in your head and your entire body. 

You can feel this inner resistance as if something is blocked in the middle of your head and in different areas of your body. If you train yourself in being present in the body, you will feel it more and more. The less you are in contact with your body, the more likely you are to feel this resistance. Believe me. I’ve been terribly out of touch with my body for most of my life and I have literally thousands of tense nerves due to suppressed emotions. But I’ve also managed to release thousands. 

Once you start noticing this, it might seem like a daunting task at first. But every time you release a tense nerve, you will feel a little better. Your body will feel a little better. Just try and be present in the moment as often as you can. Start feeling your body and what goes on inside of it. Try and meet every emotion that comes up with acceptance. Try to feel how it feels in the body, while staying present in the moment. Observe your thoughts, as they bring you out of the present moment and out of your body. Bring your attention back to the present moment and the body when they do. You can also focus on your breath to come back to the present moment.

You can do this anywhere and any time, but you will forget it. And you will feel an unfounded resistance, even though this literally requires no effort. But with time you will train your memory and remember it more often. And you will experience a sense of relief. As if a burden that you didn’t know that you’ve been carrying around is becoming lighter and lighter. Attention and present moment awareness are key here.

A breaking point

I’ve touched upon the experience that I’m about to describe many times before. But then it has scared me. It felt as if I was going to dissolve. Or that something else was going to happen. But this time, I decided to let go of the fear, trust and embrace.

What I felt was the unity that I share with God and all of his creation. All is one and all is love. And yet, this is not a oneness that threatens our individuality. It is impossible to adequately put this into words, but I am going to try. It was as if everything fell into place in this one single moment. As if the whole world had led me to this somehow. That every little detail of the event was planned beforehand. The love and unity that I experienced was beyond thoughts and identity. Beyond the body. Without beginning or end. And yet, I was very much still in my body. I was very much me. Just so much more. It was an experience of so much love, that I just couldn’t take it. I wanted so badly to stay in that love. But I couldn't. It was over in a matter of seconds and then I was back to normal.

In other words, I’ve reached a breaking point on my journey. I’ve written a couple of blog posts that have a bit of fear in them. I won’t delete them, because my blogging has in many ways been a way for me to document my journey. And it’s not as if these posts are untrue. They are just written from a limited perspective.

But truly, I know now that there is nothing to fear. All will be well. God is love and God loves us infinitely and forever. God will never truly force anything upon us, even though from our finite perspectives, we cannot see how this can be so. But when we spend eternity with God and those that we love, not limited by what is currently holding us back in this finite existence, we will know that it is so. All will be well. Now that I’m starting to come out of my darkness for real, I know this. All will be well. This is what I am here to do. To tell as many as possible that all will be well. 

All will be well

Lately I’ve been experiencing strange and wonderful things. I have touched upon the oneness and unity that I share with God and all of his creation. Afterwards, the same words that were revealed to the mystic Julian of Norwich kept echoing in my mind: “All will be well.” I shiver in delight just thinking of these words. All will be well.

Here is what I know when I don’t let my own, personal fears distort my experience: There is nothing to fear. We are all beloved children of God. Even those that do terrible things. Our only purpose is to love, be loved and express love. All will be well.

Inner peace is always possible here and now. We can always walk with God in peace, by bringing presence and awareness to our experience in this moment and allow God to permeate it, and by letting go of everything within ourselves that is based on fear. It is really as simple as a choice between love and fear. The difficulty lies not in the choice itself, but in seeing through all of the insanity that the world has taught us is normal.

If we observe our speech and behaviors carefully, we can see that they all stem from either love or fear. We already walk with God in every precious moment. Most of us without knowing it. It’s possible to feel God’s presence and turn life into an intimate communication with him. It is just a matter of what we pay attention to. The scary things that go on on the outside, or his loving embrace on the inside. If we choose to walk with God, we can create heaven on earth right here and now. We choose how dark it gets before the dawn. But the metaphorical dawn is coming, just as certainly as the one that comes every morning. All will be well. 

Resisting and holding on part 2

I don’t believe that this is part of the human condition. But I believe that many people, most of the time unconsciously, assume that it is. But why is it that we give some things a try, fail and conclude that it’s impossible, while we try other things, fail and practice for years? Why do we, specifically, often assume that we cannot unlearn the ways that we function and/or relate to our inner lives? I might not be able to make myself believe anything. But I know that I can challenge my thoughts. I know that one person shrugs his or her shoulders at a harsh situation, while another lets it ruin the day and perhaps even ruminates over it for a week. Considering that we do enjoy a certain degree of freedom when it comes to our thoughts, are these two, very different, ways of responding written in stone? Are they just unalterable parts of an inborn character? Or could we, depending on how we treat our inner lives, learn to respond differently to life? If we experience more suffering than we would like, would it be worth the effort to train ourselves to respond differently?

Resisting and holding on part 1

These are, according to the Buddha, at the core of suffering. We resist what is and hold on to different things and persons in our lives. And so we cause ourselves to experience negative emotions. Is this just part of the human condition?

The inner resistance part 4

So, I’ve been re-reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now recently. And he talks about the same thing as I’m talking about here. Only that I didn’t know this the last time I read it, because I hadn’t gotten into contact with my inner resistance back then. It’s always cool when you get a confirmation that what you’re experiencing is real. Especially when, if the endgoal is true as well, it’s going to lead to something amazing. In this case real, true, lasting, inner peace.

The inner resistance part 3

The thing is, that when I’m not in this state of resistance towards what is, my body movements become more slowing and precise. I feel confident, energized, present and everything seems to almost work itself out. 

Being present is a key here. I can always trace the beginning of inner resistance to a loss of presence and the activation of automatic thoughts. Suddenly I’m in my head, thinking of how I wish that the situation I’m in would be different. Maybe I’m trying to think my way out of a situation that I cannot get out of. Or I think of other choices that I could have made. Or I wish that other people would act differently.

The inner resistance part 2

I’m pretty sure that this is what the Buddha talked about when he pinpointed resistance and attachment at the basis of the roots of suffering. But I didn’t know that it was something that could be felt so physically. Because it can. 

I feel tension inside my head, both around my pineal glad and in different other areas. When I feel anger for example, i feel my jaws clench and tense up. I also feel tension in my body. I mostly tense up around my chest and solar plexus, but this can happen throughout the body. It is very much an inner resistance towards being itself.

The inner resistance part 1

I feel like it’s time to put it all to rest. What do I mean by this? I mean that it’s time to let go of this inner resistance that I feel more and more clearly day by day. 

I feel how I tense up when something in my reality that I don’t like appears in my reality. Even though I know it’s fruitless, I can’t help but resisting it on the inside.

Changes require consistency part 2

So why don’t we remove the things that aren’t consistent with the change that I wish to see from my life? Why don’t I do it?

When I ask myself this question, the answer that comes up is that when I have the ability to choose, I manage to convince myself that I might need those things in my weaker moments. But of couse this is utter nonsense. The only thing these things do, is help me to avoid dealing with my real issues. They help me to distract myself from my problems till I get tired, go to sleep and wake up to other distractions, when what I might need, for example, is to think through my situation carefully, or have a good cry.

Changes require consistency part 1

I want to stop seeing crappy movies with no other value than entertainment and I want to stop eating unhealthy food while I watch them. So, it could probably be a good idea to not have these movies or that type of food at home. It’s a very small sacrifice, so why don’t I just do it? Why don’t you do it? It seems as if we just made the right decision when we have the strength to do so, we could avoid giving in to temptation in our weaker moments. 

Thinking of different scenarios

I caught myself thinking of different scenarios where things could go wrong, most of them quite implausible. That sounds like a waste of mental energy.

Letting go and choosing love

We are not our thoughts. Our thoughts are not reality. Our thoughts are not right. 

But what does this really mean? Well, basically that we can step back and choose what makes us most happy and what we care about. We don’t need to be attached to anything in the world. We can choose to be attached if we want to. And I’m not sure that it’s always a bad thing, as long as we remember that we can let go of the attachment any time that we want to. Maybe most of the meanings that we give to things are just illusory. Maybe we are just love and have the possibility of always choose love. Love for ourselves and for each other. What would it mean to always choose love, unconditionally, for ourselves and each other? Can we really imagine such a thing? If we tried, what actions would we take? How would we treat others? What would we say? Both when it comes to how we talk to others, and how we talk to ourselves. Because we do talk to ourselves. What would it really feel like to always choose love? What would we, to the best of our ability, think of other people? Of ourselves? What would our lives look like?

In short, what would it mean if we let go of all the thoughts that doesn’t serve love? If we did our best to not believe in them. What would it mean to take the question of always choosing love seriously?