Being both okay and not okay at the same time

I’ve been thinking about this idea that we have to learn to love ourselves lately. And I want to make some sense of it. Because in one sense we need to be friends with ourselves. We need to face where we are with as much acceptance as possible. If we just keep castigating ourselves over past mistakes the commentator inside our heads will become an enemy and a tyrant. And we don’t need more of those.

But it’s not good to ignore our flaws either. We in all likelihood need to be a bit harsh with ourselves. Because we have in all likelihood become too comfortable. The modern world does that to most of us. Unless we make conscious choices to not allow it. And the situation in the world today demands that we are everything that we can be. 

I believe that the love that we have for ourselves is the only one that, rightly, cannot be unconditional. This may sound a bit harsh, but I think that it’s only logical. At least if we talk about self-love in the true sense, and not the kind of narcissistic self-love that is often promoted in society today. This is because even though we have an endless capacity for self-deception, we still have potential access to everything inside of us. Everything that motivates our actions. And somewhere we know, even if that knowing never reaches the surface of our consciousness. We know when we are lazy. We know when we avoid confronting our problems. We know when we are selfish. We know when we are trying to manipulate others and the world, so that we get what we want without having to work for it. We know when we are making excuses and rationalization. And we know damned well that we, eventually, are the ones that are going to have to pay for it.

Most of us are not victims of circumstances. For the vast majority of us, the situations that we are in are direct consequences of our choices and actions. And our choices and actions are consequences of how we have take care of our inner lives. And our inner lives are greatly affected by our experiences, even though we have quite a lot of room when it comes to how we respond to our experiences. And our experiences are to a large degree determined by our choices and actions and the situations that they put us in. And so it goes. Around and around. And the wheel either takes us up or down. But it will always keep spinning. Less so if we’re in a stabile situation and don’t feel the need for much change. But even then it spins slowly. Because time always makes it spin no matter what. And even then something may happen that changes its direction and/or causes it to spin faster.

Then we have the situation in the world. It is causing many wheels to spin faster. And will do so even more in the future. 

This doesn’t necessarily have to move us downhill. Because when we’re pushed into a corner we have a choice of either lay down and let whatever is pushing us into the corner eat us. Or we can use every ounce of muscle and intelligence that we’ve got to fight. Thus we either perish or become stronger.

Here is where I am right now. I know where my choices have gotten me. I know that a storm is coming, even if I don’t know exactly when or what it will look like.

I also know that God will love me all the way through the storm. That he will love me when I am unable to. And I know that whatever pain comes in my way, it’s nothing compared to eternity with God. But that is not something that I’m likely to remember when tragedy strikes. 

This is actually quite interesting when you think about it. On the one hand, we have God, that loves us unconditionally and whose love we can never earn. And on the other we have ourselves, whose love we must earn. Both are closer to us than any other person or creature. And in between, we have all kinds of relationships with all kinds of conditionality attached to them. God is closer to us than we are to ourselves. And knows us better than we know ourselves. The second closest person in our lives is ourselves. And this is the person that never can love us unconditionally. Not in a true, healthy sense.

So here is what I’ve figured. As with most things in life, we need to take a step back and bring some consciousness into our self-perception. Most of us are not all that we could be. And we have to be cautious when it comes to the impulse to earn salvation. I mean this both in a literal and metaphorical sense. Our self-worth should never be contingent upon our accomplishments and failures. But we must also never sweep our shortcomings under the rug. If we don’t like everything about ourselves there’s probably a reason for it. If this is the case, it’s healthy to remind ourselves that we are worthy just by being part of the crown of God’s creation. But we also need to take a look at the parts that we don’t like about ourselves. 

Two very important questions to ask ourselves in this context, is: Is it my own standards that I don’t live up to? Or is it other people’s, the world’s or God’s?

We need to be as honest about this as possible and realize that these are huge and deep questions. The answers are, for the most part, far from obvious. We need to think deeply about why the standards matter to us.

Ultimately it’s God’s standards that we need to aim for. In other words, our standards should, as far as possible, be the same as God’s. But these are impossible standards and we are not expected to live up to them.

If, on the other hand, our standards are the world’s or other people’s, we can be more or less certain that they will lead us astray. It’s always a good thing to listen to the perspectives of people that have something valuable to teach us. But we should always do this with God’s will and not theirs in mind. 

So, we need to cultivate a healthy, mature and honest relationship with ourselves. If this is something that we find worthwhile, there are two crucial questions that we need to ask ourselves: Are we doing our best to live up to God’s standards? Can we accept and forgive ourselves when we inevitably fail to do so?

What is authenticity? PART 2

A question that I myself asked in another post on the same topic is:  “Are YOU there in the things you say and do?”

What do I mean by this? I have a few embarrassing examples from my past, when someone has sincerely asked me for advice, and I’ve responded with some platitude like: “just be yourself” or “just do it”. I don’t know if this was my exact wording. Probably not (hopefully). But the point is that there was no connection between two people in this interaction. It was just a repetition of worn our phrases that did not really come from me, and which were not really addressed to the person I was talking to, with regard to the specific situation that we were discussing. There was no substance. No forethought and no present moment awareness. I may as well had said: “Grevjush brajafreo medanajal bahalk”. It would have been just as meaningful and helpful. 

I don’t want to make this mistake again. I want real connection between real people. But authenticity is hard. As with so many other things, it comes down to awareness. To be able to take a step back and not just respond with the first thing that comes up. To really see and feel the person that we’re talking to. To allow the heart and the brain to work together in the conversations that we have with other people.

What is authenticity? PART 1

“Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I want others to see me a certain way?” 

A friend asked himself this question a while back, regarding to changes that he is trying to make in his life. Then he discussed the issue with me. I do believe that I tried to answer to the best of my ability. But the question made me think. 

The first answer I can think of is a question: Can’t it be both? We might have a genuine wish to change. But in this wish to change, there might also be a part of us that seeks approval from others. Our wish to change and our need for validation are really two separate issues that intersect. The best thing would be if this wish came purely from ourselves, because the more independent we are from the opinions of others, the stronger we become. But the need for other people’s approval is something that most of us have to varying degree. 

The simple question that I believe is the appropriate one is: Do I truly want this change? If the answer is “yes”, go for it! Do everything in your power to make it happen. And don’t worry if you also do it to seek approval from others. Treat them as separate issues. Maybe the change that you seek to make right now is a more pressing matter? Maybe the need for approval is something that is better to work with over a longer period instead?

There is nothing wrong with you Part 3

To talk about the “age of social media” has become a cliché. And yet we keep falling into the same social media traps over and over again. We can choose to only show our best moments. We can add photo-filters and remove anything that makes us look less than perfect. And the more we do it, the more it becomes a habit. Something that we just do without thinking about it. Without thinking about why, what it means or how it affects us.

I’m hardly the first one to point this out: We just see the highlights of most people’s lives. And even if we intellectually know that we cannot possibly be the only person in the world that has problems, this is more or less how the world seems. Consequently, this is to a large extent how we unconsciously interpret the world. This is at least my experience. But until I became aware of it, it was an unconscious process. This is something that is true of many things: What my intellect knows, is often not the same as what I unconsciously believe. And the more removed from myself that I am, the harder it is to see these things.

So, to conclude: There is nothing wrong with you. Most of us are confused and messed up in one way or another. And I believe that most people will allow us to be human if we dare to show our humanness to them. And those that don’t are not worth having in our lives anyway. In our distant past, our status within the group could mean life or death, and our brains are adapted to these circumstances. But we don’t have to be passive victims of our psychology. And if one person doesn’t accept us as we are, there are millions that will. 

There is nothing wrong with you Part 2

One of the things that I discovered when I started looking at myself, was that I kept people at a distance. Furthermore that I pushed people away. This was not something that I did consciously. It just happened and I don’t know exactly why, even though it obviously had to do with traumatic experiences during my teenage years. And by putting up this wall around me, I got further and further away from myself as well.

Everyone’s wall doesn’t look the same. Mine was one of toughness, intellectualism and rebelliousness. Someone else’s might be of, for example, beauty, success and a glamorous social life.

What I’ve realized is that when we are too occupied with our surfaces we become superficial. The more we polish our facades, the more we identify with these facades. And the less we look at our real selves. And consequently, the more we try to hide our shadows, the more we also hide them from ourselves. But they are still there.

I want to live in a world where we are not afraid of each other. Where we can be vulnerable and share shameful secrets without fear of judgment. And if I want this change, I have to be part of that change. I have to dare to be vulnerable. I have to stop fearing judgment and I have to become aware when my impulse to judge kicks in, so that I can choose not to engage with it.

There is nothing wrong with you Part 1

Most of us carry around these heavy burdens. But we don’t talk about them, because we are ashamed. I think that people have always raised facades around them. People have always wanted to look better than they are. The only true exceptions are those that are so broken, that they see no point in trying to hide their brokenness anymore. Whether it’s one aspect of their lives that they cannot keep in the darkness anymore, or whether their whole lives are totally messed up.

There are quite a few exceptions of course. But the norm is to hide our weaknesses and amplify our strengths. Bonus points if we manage to trick ourselves into believing that we are these infallible selves that we want others to see.

When I look at myself, my thoughts, words, actions and motives, I just find more and more dirt. I’m often selfish, prideful, arrogant, narcissistic, self-centered, judgmental, sometimes manipulative and I sometimes act cowardly. Just to name a few things. But until I started to become more present, more mindful, and started to seriously look at myself, I didn’t know any of these things. And the more I see it in me, the easier it seems to be to see it in others, but without the judgment that comes from only seeing it in others. On the other hand, if I have yet to discover something that I see in others within myself, judgment often comes like a knee-jerk reaction. But I don't want it to. Because I don't want to judge others.

Taking steps in the right direction

I just realized that there are these little steps, that are not that difficult to take, that we can take every day, that are so small, that I fail to recognize them as steps. When I try to do everything at once, I inevitably fail, because the burden becomes to heavy. In many areas, I’ve been standing still for many years, trying to bang my head against the wall, punishing myself into “better” behavior and beating myself up because I’m not able to live up to my own standards. 

What I could have done instead, is take micro steps in my day to day life. If I would have done so, my growth would have probably involved much less pain, and I would in all likelihood have gotten much further, since I wouldn’t have had constant failures to deal with.

If I can choose sweets with less sugar and more nutrition, that’s a step in the right direction. If I can eat popcorn, or even just snacks with a little more protein in them, instead of potato chips, it’s a step in the right direction. If I can watch a movie that will give me a new perspective, or even just one that makes me happy, instead of just offering mindless entertainment, it’s a step in the right direction. 

I think that I’m going to give the concept of “baby-steps” a serious go!

Cleaning up my mess

Going through a spiritual awakening, I realize that whatever mess one has created while being unconscious, both inside and outside, but mainly inside, has to be cleaned up. All of it! No one will do it for me. And in my case, it’s a pretty big mess. Everything from a lousy spine due to bad posture and a body full of tensions due to suppressed emotions, to money issues, to habits such as being annoyed by little things, being cheap or talking too much. All of it!

I'm not here to be perfect part 3

Knowing what I know about God’s existence is a joy, infinitely more powerful than any grief that could potentially strike me. God exists, I’m loved by God and I’m going to live forever, in all likelihood with everyone I’ve ever cared for and perhaps a bunch of other interesting people that I’ve never met. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get to meet C.S Lewis, Carl Jung, St. Augustine, P.D Ouspensky and of course Jesus. And my other heroes. And as far as I understand it, I don’t have to do anything to deserve it. In fact, I can’t do anything to deserve it. Because I am a sinner and I live in a fallen state. I’m weak, confused, full of self-deception and if it came down to actions, I would be lost. Potential rewards and punishments don’t have any place in this equation. Once I’m certain that God exists, that he loves me, that he, contrary to me, sees everything with absolute clarity and wisdom, anything other than doing my best to align my will with his will, would be totally illogical, unreasonable and insane.

I'm not here to be perfect part 2

You see, somewhere I know that I’m here to be loved by God for who I am. God’s approval is the only approval that really matters. Yet, it is so easy for me to fall back into wanting people to see me a certain way. I think it has something to do with that I haven’t really grasped that I now know for a fact that God exists. It’s like the opposite of when a horrible tragedy strikes. You grasp what has happened intellectually. You know that it’s all true and real. And yet, you are unable to take it in. It’s too big. Too overwhelming. Too unfathomable. 

I'm not here to be perfect part 1

I believe that imperfections actually can be a strength. I can beat myself up for my moral failings. Or I can humbly ask God for forgiveness and for their removal. I can use them in my stumbling attempts at becoming more humble. I can let my shortcomings defeat me. Or I can struggle with them and become stronger. I can look away from these shortcomings. Or I can courageously face them. I can make hopeless attempt at crawling out of my own skin. Or I can ask God to help me become comfortable in it. 

Hang in there

I’m saying this as much to myself as anyone else that might need to hear this.

I know that all this brokenness that we find inside, when we choose to really look, may feel overwhelming sometimes. We want to be over there, but we’re over here. And the distance from over here to over there seems infinite. And time just keeps passing by. 

But God’s love is alway there. Surrender can happen in an instant. Yes, we have to keep working and struggling. And yet, it’s not about what we do and what we accomplish. God doesn’t love us less because we’re not as virtuous or disciplined as someone else. God’s love is unconditional. When we feel it, I believe that it should make us want to do our best. But my best might not be the same as your best.

My best might be to work every day on being more present and aware. But it might also mean to accept that I sometimes have days when I’m not there at all and where I’m just angry with everything. It might mean to work out and take care of my body. But it might also mean to say f**** it, I can’t take this health crap right now, and spend a weekend eating junk food and watch mindless entertainment. It might even mean to sometimes make excuses for my bad behavior. But it also means being honest with myself once I become aware of my behavior, or the fact that I’m making excuses. It means not staying down longer that I have to when I fall. But only I know how long that is. Sometimes the voice inside that tells me to just drop everything a little while longer is just too strong. Maybe I even need to deceive myself today, so that I can bear my problems.

God loves me no matter what though.

How wonderful it is to be a sinner

The title of this post is sort of click bait. What I’m talking about here is something akin to the parable quoted in the post-image.

The point is that I’m grateful for my sins, because they make it harder for me to judge others. However, I had to become aware of my sins for this to be the case. In the past, I didn’t see my own sins. Or more specific, I didn’t look at them as sins. As something disgraceful or hurtful, or whichever other label one might give to actions that fit under the label “sin”. So I judged. I still catch myself judging sometimes, I have to admit. In my thoughts, I catch myself doing it quite often, even though I catch myself quicker and quicker and do my best not to believe my judgments. 

Do I judge the pharisee? Let me put it like this: for most of my life I didn’t look properly at myself. So I judged. I could have continued not looking at myself, had it not been for the grace of God. I could have continued being just as bad as the pharisee regarding judgment and I did not get out of this mindset by my own effort. I couldn’t have, since I wasn’t aware of how I was acting. In many other instances, I’m probably still just as “bad”, or “worse” than the pharisee.

Authenticity part 1

 Are YOU there in the things you say and do?

Being okay with making mistakes

For most of my adult life, I’ve been swinging back and forth between hubris and feeling that I’m worthless. If I’ve made a mistake, I’ve more or less unconsciously assumed that I’m stupid. I’ve even, in spite of knowing that it isn’t so, unconsciously assumed that I’m the only person in the world that makes the kinds of mistakes that I make. It took a long time for me to notice this. But knowing it, I think that I can being to let go and accept that I’m not perfect. That I don’t have to be. That I’m not better than others and that I therefore have the same right as they have to make mistakes.

I should probably stop beating myself up though

Because even though I see how I fall when it comes to being humble and trusting God, I have become more courageous. More genuine and more loving. I still often let my thoughts get the best of me. But I am better at holding my tongue and think of how my speech affects other people. Not all the time. But I’m definitely seeing improvement. I'm a slow learner when it comes to all of this being-a-good-person stuff. But I'm definitely getting better.

I always feel life breathing down my neck part 2

There is another side to this though. Throughout my life I’ve often been quite lazy and inactive. I’ve taken the comfortable route. Maybe not more so than most people, but couple this with some bad decisions, bad prioritising, some refusal to accept reality, avoidance of problems, procrastination and a general inability to organise one’s everyday life, and you have a recipe for a big mess that you have to clean up if you want to live a life that you’re happy with.

Now, I’ve gradually cleaned up this mess more and more. For the most part, it has been life forcing me to reluctantly face reality and do what I have to do to avoid total disaster. This is not how I want to live my life though.

And what I’ve realised, is that, even though it causes a lot of stress for me, I feel best when I’m engaged in stuff. When my life is moving. This is probably not for everyone, but I believe that I’ve been living a life that is very out of line with how I function. I mostly love having a lot to do, as long as the doing doesn’t consist of fixing unforeseen problems. And I feel worst when I’m not moving. When I just sit and chill on the sofa. Except for when chilling on the sofa is a reward I give to myself for having performed a good job.

I always feel life breathing down my neck part 1

It’s no fun admitting this. It was my wife that pointed this out to me. She feels like I’m always going somewhere. I always have something that I need to do. I can never stop to be fully present because of it. But she needs to see her part in it and put away her phone when she is with me, because it’s a constant distraction even if she isn’t always tinkering with it. It takes her attention away from me at least as much as my projects takes my attention away from her. It’s always present and at any given moment there can be a message that she has to check or even a phone call that she feels like she has to take.

Another weird thing, is that I’m able to be present when I work, meditate, dance or do yoga. But not when I’m just simply enjoying myself or the company of others. Because then I always have something productive that I could be doing in the back of my mind. And if what I’m enjoying costs money, this too is in the back of my mind.

Be like children 2

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:3

Now, I don’t believe in the story of Adam and Eve in a literal sense (but if you believe otherwise I respect that and you’re welcome to try and change my mind). But I think that it has a lot to teach us. I actually read this in another blog. 

What I believe that it has to teach us, is that before the fall (again, I believe the fall should be seen metaphorically), Adam and Eve lived in complete trust and vulnerability before God. They had an absolute faith in their father’s will and had no wish come up with a better solution to life on their own. 

Now, we know that it’s not that easy. Because we have egos. Therefore, we can’t just read the bible, or any other text for that matter, and expect to find God’s will there in a form that we just can believe and accept. But I think that meditating on the call to “become like little children” can help us along the way.

Be like children

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:3

This bible verse has stood out to me for a long time, for some reason that I can’t fully put my finger on, even if I will try to do my best. I think that it has a significance for everyone, but that it has acquired a special significance for me. I think this is partially due to the fact that on the one hand, I’ve gradually lost my innocence through the way I’ve lived my life, while the childlike awe and wonder has gotten buried deep under tragic events and parts of my life. And on the other hand, I’ve instead acted childish by refusing to take responsibility and taking a general immature stance towards the events in my life. I believe that this state is true for most people to different degree. Some, like me, have more of it in their pasts than others. I also believe that if we want to be truly happy, this is something that we need to work on changing, with the help of God.