Putting things into perspective and letting go of our baggage

Objectively speaking a new year doesn’t mean anything. The meaning of a new year only comes from the meaning we give it, individually and collectively. And yet, the power of a fresh start should not be underestimated.

When I started caring about my life and thus started the journey that I’m still on today I was at the bottom. I was a lazy, immoral emotional wreck that only looked out for number one. Today I still have a mess to clean up because of this. I still have a lot of bad habits and negative attitudes that I need to get rid of. And I have a financial situation that, while not being totally terrible, leaves much to be desired. 

You could say that my life was on auto-pilot, while I was living under the illusion of conscious choices. I think that this is part of the human condition that we are currently in. And even when we start understanding that this is how our lives work, much will still continue in the same manner. Because as soon as we stop truly being aware we fall asleep again. Then that pesky auto-pilot comes on. You just need to observe yourself a bit throughout the day to see that this is the way things work.

This has also, most definitely, been true for humanity as a collective, probably ever since we’ve been able to talk about “humanity as a collective” in any meaningful way. This does not work anymore. And let me say this: I don’t think that we are going to continue on this road for much longer. But if we do, global tyranny will be the result.

Since we’re a collective of individuals, it’s up to each and everyone of us to wake up, become conscious of ourselves and the world around us, and then take on as much responsibility as we can handle. What this means will differ depending on where we are in life. But more or less all of us fall short of what we could be.

So, how could I, a fairly intelligent person, be so blind to what was right in front of me? How could I, instead of looking at myself and my shortcomings, time and time again point out the faults of others?

The truth is that before finding God I didn’t care. Because I saw everything as pointless anyway. But even after I started caring, I kept on acting egoistic even though my intent was the opposite. I kept on making excuses for behaviors that I should have recognized as wrong. Why? 

I think that I hadn’t taken a serious look at myself. And at the same time, I managed to see myself as intellectually superior to others.

I hadn’t put my actions or attitudes under any real scrutiny. I lived in a confused fantasy world with a distorted reality perception. A few ingredients in this soup were: a mixture of wishful thinking, arrogance, pride, an inflated ego that stemmed from a low self-esteem, an unfounded sense of superiority and tons of other garbage. I was also not very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes. This last thing is, by the way, something that I’m still struggling with. And I’m hardly alone in this. A lack of empathy seems to be one of the many social diseases that plague our modern world. Especially when it comes to how our own words and actions affect other people.

What I’ve come to realize is that there are rights and wrongs. Very clearly so. And if we want to learn more about this, I believe that the best source is the New Testament of the Bible.

If we act in a way that seems beneficial to us, but is harmful to others and the world, somewhere it will also hurt us. It may give us wealth and pleasure, but it will inevitably destroy our character. For people with a conscience, it will inevitably also cause anxiety. And it certainly does not give us a sense of meaning. Furthermore, it also damages our relationship with other people and ultimately with God, no matter if we believe in him or not. 

These are all harms that can be hidden fairly well. Both from ourselves and others. But they are most certainly there.

I think that almost all of us have things in our lives that we need to change, even if we’re not overall dissatisfied with out lives. But if you’re dissatisfied with where your life is today, the best thing is probably not to be angry with yourself for allowing things to become that way. You didn’t ask for the world to be what it is. You didn’t know that what the world sold you was a junk pile of lies. “This is how it is”, the world said. “This is what’s important and these are the keys to a happy, fulfilled life.” The world took your survival instinct and turned it into a tool of destruction. And it usually takes some sort of crisis for us to become aware of it.

Maybe you didn’t know what you were doing when you created whatever mess you’re in. But it’s still up to you to clean it up. No one is going to do it for you and all of the anger and complaining in the world won’t change that fact. And life is not going to get any better just because you manage to convince someone that you’re not to blame for your situation.

In one sense, we need to accept that we are never going to be perfect. In this sense, we need to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion when it comes to our shortcomings. Because failure to live up to what we could be is a necessary component of life. Even for the greatest among us. And in the end, whatever we cannot do ourselves we need to lay in the hands of God.

That being said, we must never allow acceptance to turn into resignation. Especially not in these troubled times, with global tyranny being a real threat that looms in the horizon. No matter who and where we are, we need to be able to stand as strong as we are capable of.

When we think of what we want to let go of, I think that it’s worth engaging in some serious thought about who we want to become. Who we are in relation to who we say that that we want to be. And why we want to be who we say that we want to be. 

We probably don’t want to replace everything in our lives. Some have less baggage. Others have more. But no matter what, there is another truer self inside us that is waiting to be born. One that comes through in those sides of us that feel true. That don’t just seem created by our experiences, circumstances and automatic reactions to them. I know that you can feel this true version of yourself. The one that is buried underneath the various layers of falseness that have been created by being both in the world and of it.

I would propose that we need to rethink our ideal if the honest answer to why we want to be who we want to be, is that we want to be admired by others. I would also caution against making any type of “happy” into some sort of end goal.

Now, let me be the first one to admit that I’m not very good at following Jesus. There are still huge remnants inside of me, of the person I no longer wish to be. There are sides of me that are selfish, moody, judgmental and fearful. Just to name a few things.

Yet, I think that the best way of doing this self-inventory, is in light of the ideal of Jesus. Because, even though it’s in practice impossible to live up to such an ideal, why aim for anything less? Jesus knew that the only way to true freedom and happiness, was in the obedience to God and the service to others. This is of course not what the world tells us. But is the ways of the world making us feel free and happy?

Have Faith!

Everything is in God’s hands. EVERYTHING is in God’s hands! In these troubled times it’s so easy to forget that. That there is a plan. That no matter how things look on the surface, both on a global and personal level, ultimately everything is going to be okay. This is what the Bible promises. This is what many of the Bible stories point to. For example when Moses parts the sea, when David slays Goliath, when Daniel and his friends walk into the fiery furnace, when Peter walks on the water with Jesus or when Jesus calms the raging storm. No matter what happens, God is always there with us. Even when the apostles were martyred, they knew that they were going home.

With this I don’t mean to trivialize the suffering that is happening in the world. But if we have faith, we know that the suffering does not take place in an ultimately meaningless world. We know that there will be redemption for those who suffer.

We all have our proverbial demons (and maybe some literal ones as well). One of mine is worries about money. I know perfectly well that my worries are very small in comparison to what many people go through. Me and my wife can still pay our bills and put food on the table. And we have a safety net of people around us if something goes seriously wrong.

Yet, when everything gets more expensive I worry. And I’m imagining all kinds of scenarios where we have to freeze and don’t have food, because we don’t have a solid financial ground to stand on. This is not to have faith. Faith is to do one’s best with what one has and leave the rest to God. Faith is to look boldly at the uncertainty of the future and say: “thy will be done”. 

What I have control over, is what I do with my relationship with my creator and the people around me. I have control over what kind of person I become through my daily choices. I can control what kind of character I develop.

Luckily this is where we can find our strongest foundation. Not in material possessions or riches. Our strongest foundation is built on where we stand with God, who we are and the people we surround ourselves with. 

By focusing on my little worries, I both distrust God and display a lack of proper care. 

What do I mean by “lack of proper care”?

Let me give you an example. Right now, billionaires all over the world are building bunkers, that are built to protect and maintain a comfortable lifestyle during a crisis. In other words, in the face of a global disaster, they think primarily of saving themselves and their families. 

But in light of what often runs through my mind at this time, am I so different? Are you? What are the chances that we would do the same if we could? 

Proper care means to focus on the greater picture. What at least I instead often focus on, is how everything affects me personally. How the state of the world interferes with my own goals, plans, dreams, wishes and desires. This while I ought to focus on what God wants with my life.

This leads to some tough questions: Is my life focused around what God wants or what my ego wants? Do my thoughts, words and actions match my answer, if I’m being honest with myself? 

I know that my answers to these questions are far from satisfying. But a serious attempt at being honest with oneself is at least a start.

I believe that faith is crucial here. Faith in that we don’t live in a cold, indifferent world where the future is completely uncertain. Faith in that there is a meaning to everything that is happening. Faith in that everything is in God’s hands. Faith that whatever happens, we can still trust God in the end. Faith that God holds us and preserves us, even in death.

What God asks of us, is to be okay with uncertainty. With not knowing everything in advance. To not let the world fool us into believing that there is no hope beyond politics, economics and science. To trust that whatever comes our way, ultimately it’s for the best. To truly believe in a life and a reality beyond this one, not just with our intellects, but with our whole being. To truly believe in God. That God is a personal God, that cares intimately for us. That he has a plan for everything that is happening right now. That God wants a relationship with us and that, in his time and not ours, he wants to give us everything. To allow these beliefs to shine through our thoughts, words and actions.

Have faith! 

Worldly "wisdom" or faith in God - A perspective on the current state of the world

In 1 Corinthians 3:19 st. Paul says: “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God.” 

What I want to talk about in this blog post, is the hope that is available to us in these troubled times. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). God has promised that he will “wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

In other words, God has promised to restore the world and take away all that which causes us pain. If you believe in the truth of the Bible, this is also something that you must believe in. No matter how dark it seems on the outside, there will come a turning point, even if we don’t know exactly when or how. And for more and more people every day, there is a light inside that burns ever more bright as the world grows darker. A tangible, unquestionable light, whose strength is intimately connected with our surrender to God.

An atheist bus campaign had the following to say a few years ago: "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." Some of the world’s most influential intellectuals stood behind the campaign.

What I have learned is that what seems to be a good idea from the human intellect’s perspective, often does not turn out so good when put into practice. When we stop worrying and enjoy life, life tends to become neither worry-free nor enjoyable for most of us. For some it does. But not for most of us. And even for those that it does, tragedy can strike at any moment and when it does, unless we have God in our life, senseless pain with no hope of restoration is the only available option. 

I realize that if this is how the world truly is, we can do nothing but swallow the bitter pill and cope with it to the best of our ability. But today I know this belief to be false, which is a source of great hope and joy in the midst of the crisises that we are facing today. I can’t say that it will happen this way for everyone, but for me all it took was to open up to the possibility that God exists, a little less than twenty years go. God took care of the rest.

If you look at what the world teaches us about anything from sex, to interpersonal relations, to consumer habits and what we should focus on and prioritize, it seems pretty reasonable on the surface. But in practice it is utterly unnatural, makes us unhappy and unfulfilled. Many are starting to see through this now. What has been known for a long time within the domain of religion and spirituality, is more and more confirmed by psychological research.

Those that haven’t met me since my teens and early twenties would not recognize me today. For most of my life from mid adolescence up until I found my faith, I had this feeling that who I am is not really me. That if I chose a completely different identity tomorrow, that identity would be no less me than the one today. This could also be worth thinking about in the identity-obsessed culture of today.

I don’t feel the way that I just described anymore though. My identity as a believer in God, as spiritual, and today also as a Christian, was the first part of my whole identity that felt true. That didn’t feel completely arbitrary. That wasn’t permeated by meaninglessness lack of seriousness. 

At the time I told myself that I was pretty content with what can ultimately be boiled down to a nihilistic view of life and the world. I embraced the belief that if I died tomorrow, nothing would matter anymore as far as I was concerned. Zero responsibility and zero consequences. 

Now I’ve learned that what we tell ourselves is very often very far from the truth. But we tend to forget that the concept of “lying to ourselves” actually means something. If we think of it at all, we often tend to think that it is an activity that others engage in, but that we somehow are exempt from. 

Back then I engaged in many behaviors that hurt me and others. Behaviors that from a materialist perspective seemed harmless and completely acceptable. It took years to see the damage that they had caused. I thank God that he didn’t leave me in this sorry state. That he instead not only showed me where I had gone astray, but also showed me something infinitely better than the empty gratifications that I was seeking in the world.

As what the world has to offer becomes more and more hollow, costly and painful, the choice should become more and more easy to make. And once you’ve tasted just a little of what God has to offer, you will scoff at the fruits of the world if they cause you to disobey God. And this is what you need to do. What all of us need to do. Obey God. It’s either that or slavery to the world. God never forces his will upon us. Neither does he try to manipulate us into doing his will. Coercion and manipulation are the ways of the world. And God only wants us to do what is best for us. What brings us closer to him.

I’m a perfect example of this. I was so lost in wanting to have my own will, that I didn’t see how enslaved my stubbornness was making me. And I truly managed to convince myself that my lifestyle was making me happy, free and emancipated. 

If you are still seeking happiness in the ways of the world you may think that I’m fooling myself now. That I was more true to myself before. This something that I’ve noticed when I’ve spoken or listened to many atheists over the years. That even though I feel much better in every way today, they still believe that I’m somehow missing out on life. But to me it’s overwhelmingly clear - when I was having “my” way I wasn’t free at all. But the more I surrender, the freer, happier, more alive and liberated I feel. 

The funny thing is that when I enjoy the fruits of the world in the way God intended, everything feels and tastes much better. When God is allowed to permeate my senses, all of my experiences become so much more colorful, vivid, delightful and beautiful. 

If you want one big takeaway from the Old Testament it is this: stray from the path that God has laid out for you and you will be the victim of the forces of this world. Follow the path and things will go well for you. 

God wants to give us everything that is good for us in abundance. But in his time, in the right way and when we are ready for it. We were made to love God and to be loved by God. This is what is written into our hearts. This is a love that exists in each and everyone of us, from the lowest to the highest. It is a love that is always there, no matter how many layers of dirt that we have managed to bury it under. It is about opening up and let this love in. And we cannot do this when our thoughts, words and actions are loveless. Empty sensory gratification, for example, is by its very nature loveless. But as soon as we let go and let love in, there is no more doubt. This is not something that we have to strive for. It is not something that we need to accomplish. It is just a question of what drives our thoughts, words and actions. God will take care of the rest.

Photo by Randy Jacob on Unsplash

Letting go of hell PART 3

I think that I may have stumbled on something important here, when it comes to hell’s absolute incompatibility with an all-powerful, all-loving God. Why? It’s not just that it is self-contradictory. It is that I truly cannot find anything more self-contradictory than this. God, the archetypal, loving father sends his children off to be tortured forever because they fail to understand his will? What?!

As I wrote the last sentence down, something strange happened. I felt a strong, pleasurable, energetic shiver and tears started running down my cheeks. As a matter of fact, I’m still crying a bit as I’m writing this and my body vibrates with energy. 

God’s goodness and perfect love and hell cannot co-exist, unless the idea of goodness that God himself instilled in us, runs totally contrary to the real idea of goodness. You cannot bring the idea of hell to its logical conclusion, without running into one total absurdity after another. 

Try it for yourself and see if you can find anything that that contradicts itself more than this: Absolute goodness and love, inflicting absolute pain and suffering for something someone has done because he/she didn’t know any better, for no good reason. Or even worse, because he/she failed to believe the right things in the face of insufficient evidence. This, I would say, is the perfect self-contradiction. The only way this could make any sense, would be if Satan was as powerful as God.

For the reasons presented in this series, I believe that the fear of hell is part of the fearful, negative programming instilled in us at birth. Thus, I believe that it is vital for each and everyone of us to do our best to let it go.

Letting go of hell PART 2

The original greek meaning of sin is something akin to “missing the mark”, which originally relates to archery. To be a good archer, you have to be able to keep your eyes on the target. And to do so, you have to be able to see clearly. This is very much in line with what I’ve been talking about in the last post in this series. Now, it’s clear that the world punishes us for making mistakes. But why would God do that? In a much more painful way than the world does? For all eternity? It is quite possible that I’m missing something here. But to me, this makes no sense at all. Some believers in hell claim that God has to punish people in this way. They usually invoke the idea of God’s holiness, justice or something similar. 

First: When does God ever have to do anything? If God does something, it must by definition be because God wants to do it. And invoking the idea of holiness or divine justice does not add anything to the conversation. Unless you can explain why the holiness and justice of God would require that God sends people off to get tortured for all eternity after death, these concepts don’t add anything to the conversation. 

Yes, I’m very aware of the limitations of human reason. So you can’t just label something as unreasonable and dismiss it because of it. But we cannot just dismiss human reason because it’s fallible either. And when it comes to hell, as I said in the first post, I’m hard-pressed to find anything that would be more incompatible with an all-powerful, all-loving God. Thus, I’m hard-pressed to find anything more unreasonable.

Letting go of hell PART 1

I believe that there are good reasons for throwing the idea of hell on the dust pile of history, at least as far as hell in a literal sense goes. Even more so after having written these blog posts.

I wish to say from the beginning that this is a three part series, that I will continue on Saturday, because I wish for as many people as possible to read it. The reason is that I, while pondering this question, truly think that I reached an important conclusion.

The reason that I believe that the question of hell is important in the first place, is because I find the question of choosing love over fear very important. Because whether we let love or fear guide us, has a tremendous effect on what actions we take and what kinds of persons we become. And I believe that the idea of hell, whether we believe in it or not, is a source of much fear in the world. I know that I fear it, even if I don’t believe in it. This fear has however lessened in later years, both because of the transcendent experiences that I’ve had of God’s unconditional love, and because of what I’ve observed with regards to human behavior, and the conclusions that I’ve drawn from these observations.

Here is what my observations tell me: If a person truly understand him/herself and his/her being in the world, that person would not wish to commit any sinful act. What is a sinful act is, is a different topic for a different post. Here it suffices to say that I don’t look at sin from a moral perspective. I rather see it as something that leads to undesired results. 

If a person sins in spite of seeing the actions from a clear perspective, it is because of brokenness and weakness and not because the person is evil. I’ve come to this conclusion because I have seen for myself, how egoistic acts bring me further away from God. Because acts that are not in line with God’s will bring me further away from God. And being separated from God is its own punishment, without anyone but ourselves having to to inflict the punishment upon us. When we see things clearly, we will know beyond any doubt, that we don’t need the threat of punishment to want to do God’s will. We will know that we do it because it is the only way to live a meaningful life. And because it is the only true remedy for the suffering of being. This makes hell superfluous. Something unimaginably cruel, inflicted on people for no good reason. By an all-powerful, all-loving God? I honestly have a hard time thinking of anything that would be more self-contradictory. 

Could we become totally separated from God? I find this unlikely, since it is possible to become severely corrupted and still turn around and earnestly seek God. What would be the meaning of having this possibility taken away by death? At the same time, I believe that the inevitability of death and the uncertainty of what comes after, should be an incentive to prioritize our spiritual life right here and now. Because we don’t know what we may throw away by wasting this life on trivialities. 

The things that God has seen me do...

I know that God exists. And I’m almost as sure about the omnipresent, omnipotent part. Which means that God has seen everything that I have done. Heard every thought. To say that this makes me a bit uncomfortable would be the understatement of the year, when I think about what this really means. I don’t believe in hell and I don’t have to in order for it to be so. Just imagine standing in front of the creator of the universe and being questioned about your most shameful moments. I can’t imagine what that would be like, even if I’m forgiven for all my sins. Even if it turns out that every "bad" thing I or anyone else ever did stemmed not from me or anyone else being bad, but from erroneous thinking (this is what I do believe).

I honestly don’t know if I’m ever going to stand before the creator of the universe and have all my sins read to me. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. Does it really matter? I have committed them and God has seen me doing it. The difference is that I haven’t really believed that God has seen me. Or else I would have had a very hard time doing whatever it was that I was doing. If God on the other hand would stand visibly right in front of me, the situation would be different. Hence the example above. The question that we thus may ask ourselves is: If God was visibly present in the room, would I do the thing that I am doing? Would I say the things that I'm thinking of?

Something that I’ve noticed lately, is that when I think of God, there is no room for certain thoughts or memories inside my head. It is as if the presence of God cannot co-exist with certain things. Not when I truly think of God as God, with all God’s holiness, and not just God as a concept or a word. In other words, when I really know that God sees me, certain things fall away on their own.

This was very much not something that I noticed easily. It took a long time. And I haven’t really figured out what it means, all of its implications or exactly how it works. 

Trusting God

Can I accept the thought that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be? This is an interesting question whose answer has lots of implications. Because this is a question about trusting God. 

I think that the story about Doubting Thomas in the Bible is interesting here. Because on the surface it seems strange that anyone would doubt after having seen what Jesus can do. Until one finds oneself in a similar situation. In my life, I’ve had so much proof in the form of synchronicities, messages, strange experiences within and the testimonies of people going through the same thing as I do. And yet, when life gets tough I find myself unable to let go and trust the process. I find it difficult to believe that God really has got my back and I sometimes start questioning my experiences. This in spite of the fact that they are so plentiful and undeniable, that if they happened all at once to the most hardcore skeptic, he/she would have to accept them as evidence. 

The best reason for this that I can come up with, is that when it comes to the miraculous, the ego simply cannot grasp it. Even if heaven literally opened up and God came down riding a golden chariot, the ego might sit the next day saying: “What about my bills? What about my bad habits? Maybe this or that person does not like me.” Etcetera. I know somewhere that everything happens for a reason and that everything is as it’s supposed to be. That I safely can put my life in God’s hands, because God is everything and infinitely more. But if enough setbacks happen in a row, I forget all about this and start thinking that something is wrong. Something that my little ego has to fix, even if I highly doubt my ability to handle it. Even if I know how crazy it sounds, that I would have all these very unusual experiences just to live a life of struggling to get by, while paying for one unexpected expenditure after another, this is often how it feels.

And on the other hand, if this is where God wants me to be, who am I to question it? Do I really have so little faith in God’s plan and that God knows what he’s doing? I know that I’m going to live forever and yet, from time to time I’m making myself miserable thinking of the things that aren’t as little me want them to be right now.

The thing is that my ego, little me, does not care. No matter how many exciting spiritual experiences I have, my ego won't accept them. My ego will still look at my five-sense reality, insisting that it is more real. That my petty problems are what's important. That they are what I need to focus on. That I should focus on temporary pain instead of eternal bliss. It insists that I don't have a choice in the matter. Even if I somewhere knows that a shift in focus and perspective always is possible.

There is nothing wrong with you Part 3

To talk about the “age of social media” has become a cliché. And yet we keep falling into the same social media traps over and over again. We can choose to only show our best moments. We can add photo-filters and remove anything that makes us look less than perfect. And the more we do it, the more it becomes a habit. Something that we just do without thinking about it. Without thinking about why, what it means or how it affects us.

I’m hardly the first one to point this out: We just see the highlights of most people’s lives. And even if we intellectually know that we cannot possibly be the only person in the world that has problems, this is more or less how the world seems. Consequently, this is to a large extent how we unconsciously interpret the world. This is at least my experience. But until I became aware of it, it was an unconscious process. This is something that is true of many things: What my intellect knows, is often not the same as what I unconsciously believe. And the more removed from myself that I am, the harder it is to see these things.

So, to conclude: There is nothing wrong with you. Most of us are confused and messed up in one way or another. And I believe that most people will allow us to be human if we dare to show our humanness to them. And those that don’t are not worth having in our lives anyway. In our distant past, our status within the group could mean life or death, and our brains are adapted to these circumstances. But we don’t have to be passive victims of our psychology. And if one person doesn’t accept us as we are, there are millions that will. 

There is nothing wrong with you Part 2

One of the things that I discovered when I started looking at myself, was that I kept people at a distance. Furthermore that I pushed people away. This was not something that I did consciously. It just happened and I don’t know exactly why, even though it obviously had to do with traumatic experiences during my teenage years. And by putting up this wall around me, I got further and further away from myself as well.

Everyone’s wall doesn’t look the same. Mine was one of toughness, intellectualism and rebelliousness. Someone else’s might be of, for example, beauty, success and a glamorous social life.

What I’ve realized is that when we are too occupied with our surfaces we become superficial. The more we polish our facades, the more we identify with these facades. And the less we look at our real selves. And consequently, the more we try to hide our shadows, the more we also hide them from ourselves. But they are still there.

I want to live in a world where we are not afraid of each other. Where we can be vulnerable and share shameful secrets without fear of judgment. And if I want this change, I have to be part of that change. I have to dare to be vulnerable. I have to stop fearing judgment and I have to become aware when my impulse to judge kicks in, so that I can choose not to engage with it.

There is nothing wrong with you Part 1

Most of us carry around these heavy burdens. But we don’t talk about them, because we are ashamed. I think that people have always raised facades around them. People have always wanted to look better than they are. The only true exceptions are those that are so broken, that they see no point in trying to hide their brokenness anymore. Whether it’s one aspect of their lives that they cannot keep in the darkness anymore, or whether their whole lives are totally messed up.

There are quite a few exceptions of course. But the norm is to hide our weaknesses and amplify our strengths. Bonus points if we manage to trick ourselves into believing that we are these infallible selves that we want others to see.

When I look at myself, my thoughts, words, actions and motives, I just find more and more dirt. I’m often selfish, prideful, arrogant, narcissistic, self-centered, judgmental, sometimes manipulative and I sometimes act cowardly. Just to name a few things. But until I started to become more present, more mindful, and started to seriously look at myself, I didn’t know any of these things. And the more I see it in me, the easier it seems to be to see it in others, but without the judgment that comes from only seeing it in others. On the other hand, if I have yet to discover something that I see in others within myself, judgment often comes like a knee-jerk reaction. But I don't want it to. Because I don't want to judge others.

What is up to me and what is up to God?

I  know that my purpose is not just to sit on the sofa and let God fix everything for me. But I also know that some things are better left to God. When I asked God in prayer, I received this answer:

As long as I don’t try to force my will upon God’s will, it’s up to me. For example: I exercise my physical body. But I don’t try to force it into becoming something that it was never intended to be. I don’t always follow this myself, but this would mean that having a healthy body should take priority when it comes to exercise.

Punishments

No, I don’t believe that God will ever punish us for anything. I believe that God even loves dictators, serial killers and rapists. I believe that even those people have pure, loving souls that may very well scream in agony every time that their egos cause them to act against their spiritual essence.

I do believe, however, that what we do can bring us closer to- and further away from God. And the further away we are from God, the more hell-like life will become.

I'm not here to be perfect part 3

Knowing what I know about God’s existence is a joy, infinitely more powerful than any grief that could potentially strike me. God exists, I’m loved by God and I’m going to live forever, in all likelihood with everyone I’ve ever cared for and perhaps a bunch of other interesting people that I’ve never met. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get to meet C.S Lewis, Carl Jung, St. Augustine, P.D Ouspensky and of course Jesus. And my other heroes. And as far as I understand it, I don’t have to do anything to deserve it. In fact, I can’t do anything to deserve it. Because I am a sinner and I live in a fallen state. I’m weak, confused, full of self-deception and if it came down to actions, I would be lost. Potential rewards and punishments don’t have any place in this equation. Once I’m certain that God exists, that he loves me, that he, contrary to me, sees everything with absolute clarity and wisdom, anything other than doing my best to align my will with his will, would be totally illogical, unreasonable and insane.

I'm not here to be perfect part 2

You see, somewhere I know that I’m here to be loved by God for who I am. God’s approval is the only approval that really matters. Yet, it is so easy for me to fall back into wanting people to see me a certain way. I think it has something to do with that I haven’t really grasped that I now know for a fact that God exists. It’s like the opposite of when a horrible tragedy strikes. You grasp what has happened intellectually. You know that it’s all true and real. And yet, you are unable to take it in. It’s too big. Too overwhelming. Too unfathomable. 

I'm not here to be perfect part 1

I believe that imperfections actually can be a strength. I can beat myself up for my moral failings. Or I can humbly ask God for forgiveness and for their removal. I can use them in my stumbling attempts at becoming more humble. I can let my shortcomings defeat me. Or I can struggle with them and become stronger. I can look away from these shortcomings. Or I can courageously face them. I can make hopeless attempt at crawling out of my own skin. Or I can ask God to help me become comfortable in it. 

What does it mean to trust God?

Yesterday, I made a post about how lying ultimately comes down to not trusting God. But isn’t this true with other behaviour as well? If we steal or scam people, isn’t this a sign that we don’t trust God to provide for us? When we attack, isn’t this because we don’t trust God’s judgment? And God’s judgment might very well be total forgiveness and mercy for everyone and if so, isn’t the rightness of this what we ought to put our trust in?

If we want to be happy and heal our brokenness, maybe it begins with this trust. Maybe we need to truly take the thought that God knows what’s best for us seriously.

What do we want?

When I try to boil down life to its essentials, three things come up. I want to be right with God, live a morally good life and be free from suffering. A lot can be said about these things and what they entail. But that is not the point of this post. The point of it is simply to boil everything down to its essentials.

I also believe that these three things go together and that they can be summarized under “being right with God”, but that this would be too vague. 

Furthermore, I believe that this is what any person truly wishes for, even though I cannot say that I know this, since I only have access to my own experience. But from where I stand, knowing that God exists, that God is personal and having some idea of what I have in common with all other people, it seems like a logical conclusion.

The question then becomes: what is the best way to a life that fulfills these three requirements?