The first thing that comes to mind, is that there was no way for my wife to be aware of all the things that were bothering me. I wasn’t even aware of half of them before I wrote them down.
Let’s pause and reflect on this a bit, because it seems somewhat relevant when it comes to negative emotions and conflicts in general. And if I can find the lesson that is to be learned from this, the fall might be a fall forward instead of backwards. And perhaps there is a lesson within the lesson. Namely that every fall contains a lesson, that can turn it into a fall forward, instead of a fall backwards.
The lesson seems to amount to these questions: How can we hope to resolve anything, when we’re not aware of what is causing us to act and feel a certain way? When we let our emotions get the best of us, start acting mindlessly and play the blame game, instead of actually trying to communicate what we feel and why, in an open manner, with the common goal of resolving the conflict and reach a mutual understanding.
Finally, I want to return to the two tracks that I mentioned in the first post and talk about something that I’m starting to suspect, that I’m not really sure of. As I’m writing this, the time is 11:11. Just wanted to add that.
What this concerns, is the details in the tracks. What I’m starting to suspect is that every little choice that we make, contribute to which track we are on. One good example, is that I used to make load of what you could call “immoral jokes” in the past. And the more you practice something, the better you get at it. And I’ve been able to get people to laugh quite a lot with these jokes over the years. I still give in to the temptation of telling such jokes from time to time, when an opportunity arises. No harm done, right?
Right…?
What I think that I’m beginning to see, is that telling these types of jokes can get me into a mindset, where I’m more prone to do other things that get me away from the track that I want to be. The jokes might not in themselves be enough. But if I also choose to indulge in unhealthy food and overeating, let negative thoughts about people slip by my conscious awareness, watch movies with negative content for the sheer pleasure of it and maybe a few other things, it seems to start building towards something more serious. Something where I hurt myself, my relationships and those that I love and care for.
I don’t think that this means that I should just go cold turkey when it comes to any kind of negativity. Darkness is a part of the human experience and my discernment isn’t good enough to know when it’s time to let go of something, and when I’m simply pushing something down, that I for one reason or another am not ready to let go of yet. I, for example, am not convinced that I should just stop watching movies with dark themes and just watch ones with love and light in them. I’ve gained many insights and new perspectives from such movies. But I believe that I can definitely have more discernment as to what I choose to watch, than I’ve had in the past.
But the jokes are probably not making anything better for anyone. And the thoughts definitely belong to the category of “things that should be let go of”. But I can’t beat myself up too much either. Constantly keeping the mind in check is difficult and requires practice. And I will just drive myself crazy if I don’t apply some acceptance to my inner life.
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