Conscious choices

Why am I doing what I am doing? This is a rather simple question that I think that we would do well to stop and ask ourselves now and then. Because it’s easy to get caught up in doing, whatever one is doing, for the wrong reasons. Or do something one does not really want to do. Or do what one should postpone to another time. Either because one needs to do something else, or because at the moment, one does not have the time, energy or enthusiasm to do a good job. In short, it’s easy to get caught up in activity. Or to just drift wherever circumstances lead one. Or to be driven by musts that are really just in one’s head.

I’ve noticed that we have such a tremendous tendency to stop making conscious decisions. All the time. We lose focus and then… boom! We’re in activity-autopilot. 

I think that making conscious decisions is something that we can and need to train ourselves to do more regularly. And the thing is that we are never alone in this. We have God and his Holy Spirit to guide us if we just learn to listen. You might not recognize that this is the case. But I can promise you that things will happen as you pay more attention to what is going on inside your head. Whether you believe that God exists and can actually speak to you or not.

And yes, this is a small, simple thing that we can do that will have a tremendous effect on our lives. Stop and ask ourselves a simple question from time to time. And really listen for the answer. 

If there is something that we are in dire need of right now it’s focus. Focus trumps willpower every time of the day. Just think of all the little bad decisions you make throughout the day that make life harder for you. It can be such a simple thing as to allow your attention to drift to social media for five minutes. Or you stay caught up in your thoughts while performing some task, which makes it take five minutes longer than it has to. Make fifty similar decisions throughout the day, every day, and you have a serious problem. 

We often try to whip ourselves into doing this or that without thinking. We decide one thing and then we run on auto-pilot till we have completed the task. And often we don’t complete the task at all. Instead we end up doing something else entirely, such as checking our social media feed or search for information about something completely unrelated to what we are doing. Can you recognize yourself in this?

It’s important to note that I’m not talking about efficiency here. Not necessarily at least. The world is full of self-help gurus that tell us that all we need to do is decide what to do and then do it. If it was this simple, everyone would be a success and the world would be perfect. Sure, there is a case to be made for developing more discipline. This is something that is lacking in today’s society of instant gratification and endless streams of leisure activity. Which, by the way, is there to keep us distracted, dumbed down, lazy and numb. Those that produce these things are usually not malevolent. Just greedy. But they are unknowingly working for truly malevolent forces. 

What I’m talking about is becoming intimate with ourselves. About getting to know ourselves and our real needs. You see, I used to listen to these ideas about just whipping oneself into doing whatever one sets one’s mind to. And I always, eventually ended up doing something else instead. Then I beat myself up for not being able to trust myself. Or, if I manage to stay more or less on track, I did a poor job with what was doing. With the result being a lazy, slow job with an end result reflecting the effort that I put in. 

What I’m talking about here can even be the opposite of efficiency. If what I truly need is to lay on the sofa all day, this is what I do, if I can. I’m not saying that this is something that I should do. But if I need this to recuperate, this is what I should do.

If I don’t make these conscious choices, I might drift to social media instead. We often do these things to give our overworked minds some rest. And then we’re not really resting at all. 

It I, on the other hand, take some time to just be, I’m almost guaranteed to come back to the task at hand with renewed energy and focus.

I’m using social media a lot as an example in this post. And for a good reason. Because I think that it might be our worst time and energy thief of our day. Social media preys on our need for rest. It gives us a false sense of rest, while in reality depleting us even further. And it’s got the insidious “it’s only a couple of minutes” factor as well. 

There are of course countless other examples. But I hope that you get the point.

Ultimately, the task of making conscious choices under the wise guidance of God is a spiritual practice. A spiritual practice that is a powerful weapon against the forces of this world that want to keep us in invisible chains. 

We live in a fallen world. A world that isn’t what it should be. A world that is not what God intended it to be. But God wants us to have what we need. Even in this fallen world. And if we let him, God will guide us. When we ask questions such as “Am I making the best use of my time” and really listen, God will answer. We may not be able to perceive the answer perfectly immediately. But if we practice, we will grow in our discernment. And when we are unsure, we can seek out the Bible for guidance.

Jesus, for example, said: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30). He also said: “do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).

Does this sound like the words of a person that wants your life to be an endless struggle to measure up, in a world where the bar is raised higher and higher all the time? A world where you are never really enough? A world that both sedates you and kills your spirit with fast food and mindless entertainment, while at the same time asking you to perform more and more?

We need to start making conscious choices. And conscious choices start with saying no to the ways of the world and yes to the will of God. To learn to do this in every given moment. To learn what God wants for us. Because when we understand what we truly want, our will and God’s will are one. How can it be any other way? 

Every moment holds to possibility of making a conscious choice or go back to auto-pilot. And the more we figure out what we truly want, which is what God wants also and choose consciously to act accordingly, the more we allow God to shape us in his image. As he intended from the beginning.

Work when you need to work. Rest when you need to rest. Have fun when you need to have fun. Grieve when you need to grieve. Play when you need to play. Labour when you need to labour. Give when you need to give. Keep when you need to keep. Joke around when you need to joke around. Be serious when you need to be serious. Everything in its proper place.

Don’t let the world or your ego rule over you. Make conscious choices. In every moment.

Eternity perspective vs. finitude perspective

I know that I’m going to live forever. And yet, I often act, think and feel as if this is the only life that I’ve got. And so I get into FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) mode. And it doesn’t do anything good for me to think this way. Because this causes me to live in the future instead of in the now. It causes me to think of what I don’t have instead of what I have. It causes me to worry about what I may never have. In short, it causes me to push my happiness into the future.

I think that it has something to do with that my brain is wired to think of existence as finite in an absolute sense. Is it wired like this from birth, or have I been conditioned to view life in this manner? I don’t know. 

A funny thing in all of this, is that it is not just about adopting the eternity perspective because it’s the right one. Paradoxically this perspective will also make us happier in the now. Because when we know this, we shift focus from the results to the choices that we make. Our choices may affect eternity, but the results in this life won’t. 

Something just struck me. There is a moral philosophy called utilitarianism, which basically says that we should strive for the best outcomes. That this should be our guiding moral principle. An obvious problem with this philosophy, is that we can allow morally reprehensible things, if it leads to the highest amount of good in the end. But there is more. I, personally, have landed in a moral philosophy of coherence. And from a finite perspective, maybe utility trumps morals. But not from an infinite perspective. If we look beyond this life, it becomes much more clear why certain values cannot be broken, even if they lead to the maximum amount of good for the maximum amount of people in this life.

A little side-note there. Let’s continue.

When I look at life from a finite perspective it’s so easy to get lost in thoughts about all the time that I’ve wasted on nonsense. But from an infinite perspective, all that really counts is who I choose to be today and tomorrow and what I choose to do with my time from now on. And whether I succeed or fail ultimately doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that what I do feels meaningful. That what I do feels like what I’m meant to do. Then it’s up to God what results it leads to in the world. If I can look back at my life and say that I lived it to the best of my ability, both when it comes to morals and efforts, from an infinte perspective there is no failure. 

How I plan to live a productive, stress-free life

What hasn’t worked so far, is to wait for inspiration and then take inspired action. I need clear goals and a schedule for the day. And since I have a full-time job, I need to work quite a lot if I want to get closer to my goals. This is actually, now that I think about it, quite a large issue. Namely the issue of finding a way to work systematically and disciplined, without losing the joy of working and turning it into something that I do out of a sense of duty, rather than a sense of joy.

What I don’t need though, is stress. Things must be allowed to take their time. Instead I need to observe myself while I’m working. I need to look for where my efficiency drops and in general what I can do better. In other words, as with so many things, present moment awareness and self-observation is much more valuable than perseverance and a high tempo. 

I’ve noticed that I need a day off from have-tos. One day where I don’t have to do anything productive at all. I can do some fiction writing at this day if I choose to. But no studies or even blogging. This seems to be true for many people. So maybe this is another one of those things where the Bible proves to be right. There is a problem with this though. Since I work my regular job five days per week, I only have Saturday and Sunday for my projects. Because when I get home from work I’m too tired for most things. I can however do some courses and work on projects that don’t require too much mental effort. So if I’m mindful of my limitations and adjust accordingly, I will probably be okay. And as said, as long as I take a relaxed approach to my Saturdays, I will probably be okay.

However, re-reading this post I realize that I've already cheated with my Saturdays and worked hard on stuff that I said I wouldn't. So, it's not always easy to stick with one's decisions. But I'll have to treat this as a work in progress. I can't say that I've really cracked the stress-code. And honestly, if I want to live a truly stress-free life, I probably need to learn a bit more about things such as finances, budgeting and how to run a successful business. Things that are essential if you want to thrive in life, but that we, for some reason don't learn in school. Probably because we have to learn so many other things that are guaranteed to be useful throughout our lives... LOL!

And how do I balance this so that I don’t slack off instead? Because I at least, live under the constant threat of ending up on the sofa, watching movies and doing nothing.

Learning to recognize the ego both in the active and the relaxing part of me, is the first thing that comes to mind. Learning that the ego can both tell me to just keep on pushing when I need to rest, and it can also tell me that what I know that I should do today can wait till tomorrow. 

What is resistance?

A while back I talked about the inner resistance. How we tense up inside and try to block whatever is going on in the present moment. This is part of a bigger pattern of living in a state of resistance towards what is. 

Let me give you an example from just this morning. I wanted to get up one hour earlier than my wife. But I didn’t want to disturb her sleep more than necessary. We have a very small bedroom with no given place to put our clothes. And in the darkness I couldn’t find the clothes. I knew that the more time I spent looking for my clothes, the more I would disturb her sleep. So I quickly started to feel stressed. And with the stress, frustration started building. 

I of course found my clothes, after having made sure that there was no way my wife would be able to go back to sleep. And I got dressed with negative emotions lingering in my body.

The point is that that my irritation and frustration over something very trivial did nothing to help the situation. On the contrary, it made me stop thinking about what I was doing, which most certainly prolonged the situation. 

And yet, we have trained ourselves to respond to situations that we perceive as negative in this way. This is resistance. According to Eckhart Tolle, behind all of this is the ego’s unconscious and erroneous belief that we can change our circumstances by making them “wrong”.

We cannot help that we have negative emotions. But we can help how we respond to them. Every time that we get frustrated, blame, criticize etcetera, we are resisting. These are a few examples to help explaining what this is about. But really, every time we make a situation “wrong” in our thoughts and attitudes towards it, we are resisting. And the paradoxical is that there is no point resisting the resistance. As with so many things, the only thing we can do about it is bringing awareness to it, while reminding ourselves that the resistance does nothing to help the situation.

We sometimes think that resistance is valid. The thought may be something like this: I want this, so I’m going to make someone or something bend to my will. But how often has this led to the desired result? On the other hand, when we stay calm and instead put focus on what we can do, while not expecting anything in particular from the world, we start taking our power back. 

What is INNER RESISTANCE and what can you do about it?

Most of us, including myself, carry around an inner resistance. You can feel this as a tightening of the muscles in your body and in your head. As a tightening of the facial muscles. This is because we unconsciously want to block the energy of the present moment. Above all, we resist our emotions and therefore we hold on to them instead. Often they turn into the aforementioned tensions in the body.

I know that this sounds like some vague nonsense. But it’s not. It’s a real phenomenon that I am trying to put into words as best I can. My wording may be lacking however. In fact, my wording is most certainly lacking. But believe me, this is real. You can feel this resistance in every given moment. And when you feel the resistance and bring your attention back to the present moment without holding on to it, you can feel a relief in your head and your entire body. 

You can feel this inner resistance as if something is blocked in the middle of your head and in different areas of your body. If you train yourself in being present in the body, you will feel it more and more. The less you are in contact with your body, the more likely you are to feel this resistance. Believe me. I’ve been terribly out of touch with my body for most of my life and I have literally thousands of tense nerves due to suppressed emotions. But I’ve also managed to release thousands. 

Once you start noticing this, it might seem like a daunting task at first. But every time you release a tense nerve, you will feel a little better. Your body will feel a little better. Just try and be present in the moment as often as you can. Start feeling your body and what goes on inside of it. Try and meet every emotion that comes up with acceptance. Try to feel how it feels in the body, while staying present in the moment. Observe your thoughts, as they bring you out of the present moment and out of your body. Bring your attention back to the present moment and the body when they do. You can also focus on your breath to come back to the present moment.

You can do this anywhere and any time, but you will forget it. And you will feel an unfounded resistance, even though this literally requires no effort. But with time you will train your memory and remember it more often. And you will experience a sense of relief. As if a burden that you didn’t know that you’ve been carrying around is becoming lighter and lighter. Attention and present moment awareness are key here.

ACCEPTANCE and RELEASE

I had an amazing experience this morning. I woke up, feeling some anxiety in my chest. In the rest of my body. Apart from the chest, it was mostly in my legs. But I didn’t feel any impulse to do something about it. I felt no impulse to resist it. At the same time, I could really feel my body. Really feel at home in it. My face muscles felt tense in several places. But I didn’t feel any impulse to do anything about it either.

So I just laid there and felt energies and sensations in my body. After a while, those muscle tensions that I just accepted started to relax by themselves. The anxiety was gradually replaced by a comfortable calm. Just by laying there on my back, accepting everything in the present moment and resisting nothing. 

Thoughts came and went away. The anxiety in my chest did the same. I remember thinking something like: Negative thoughts almost never have anything to do with reality. They are just words that we attach to emotional states. I didn’t think it in this exact wording. This was the spirit of what I was thinking. But as I laid there and just allowed the thoughts to pass through my head, my thoughts were not as precise as when I’m not typing them on my keyboard. 

After a while, I felt the impulse to get up. So I did, even though I still had some tension left in my body. Because I knew that if I they didn’t get released now, they still would do so later. The tensions that I’ve struggled with for years don’t matter anymore. As long as I just accept them unconditionally, they will disappear by themselves.

After having had this experience, I’m thoroughly convinced that this is the big shift that we all have to go through. The realization that everything is okay. That we don’t have to do anything about anything. We might feel that we want to do something. But we don’t ever have to force anything. And oftentimes it’s better to just let things be and they will resolve themselves. 

There is probably a lot more that I can say about this. But I’ll just let it be for now…

Stress PART 4

This final post in this series will actually be two posts because there was more to say about this than I initially thought. Here I will explore what works for me personally, when it comes to dealing with stress. Hopefully those that read it can get some food for thought when it comes to their stress that is related to their goals and dreams.

I don’t think that there is any way around having to put in a lot of time and effort if we want to get somewhere. But I believe that there are ways of doing it more or less stressful. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I don’t think that it’s fruitful to just grind on an try to get as much as possible done in as little time as possible. It takes all the joy out of it. And even though work has to be challenging, it also has to be fun and inspiring. This is a given. And yet, so many of us, myself not the least, forget about this. 

Now, let’s see what has worked for me so far.

I think that I need to grow with my work. It has to be not just work, but part of my overall growth and spiritual life. This means maybe above all, to cultivate mindfulness while I’m working. In this there is also a big need for acceptance. My financial situation is something that is giving me a lot of stress. But really, it’s not that bad. Me and my wife are not starving and we don’t have to be super careful with what we buy. And I tend to allow unforeseen expenditures to get me down quite a lot. And it’s not making anything better. As with many things, it’s about being able to take a step back and observe what is going on before my emotions get the best of me. If I can learn to see that nothing has happened, except that I’ve lost a little money, and just move on, my life will run so much more smoothly.

I need to do all of in a way that works for me. I cannot just decide to work in a certain way because it has worked for others. Surely, I need to study those that have walked similar paths before me. But I can most certainly not shoehorn my life to fit into their success formula. Because again, if I do things that simple are not me, I will lose the joy of what I’m doing.

Stress PART 3

Sitting down and going through the last two posts in this series has made me realize just how easy it is to forget one’s initial resolutions. In about a month, I’ve been back into hurrying and beating myself for not doing all of the things that I’ve planned to do. The truth is that the solution to this problem lies in the last post. I’ve just forgotten about it and kept on with my stressed out life. 

But I think that there is something more to say about this, before I can put it to rest.

If we try to make something of ourselves, we run up against all these obstacles. Or we have to settle for a life where we are more or less living for the weekends. Or, if we don’t work, we are dependent on the state and have very little financial freedom. At least, this is my experience so far. I was most free when I went to the university. I didn’t have a lot of money, but I didn’t have to struggle just to get by either. I could plan my days and no one cared what I did, as long as I passed the tests and turned in my papers on time.

I’ve also tried to run a business. This offered me some sense of freedom. But this freedom was overshadowed by financial stress and all of the hands that wanted to get themselves into my pockets, not least the hands of the state. 

But I know that there are other ways. Ways that don’t mean that we have to work ourselves to death before we can enjoy a little bit of freedom. Ways where we can truly take our power back. Ways where life can be fun and exciting and not just a race to keep up with the rest of the world. Do you see the problem here? We all rush to get ahead of each other, to do thing better and faster than everyone else. We try to be more beautiful, stay young longer, accumulate more money and more stuff than everyone else. Or we resign and accept a life of mediocrity. No middle ground. This is nothing new. And yet, this weird illusion is upheld by everyone. And now and then someone comes out and says “The emperor is naked”. But as long as most people agree to keep on living the insanity, the emperor can have as many or as few clothes on him as he wants to. It will make no difference. 

I truly believe that we need to put as much time and effort as we are capable of into something that we find worthwhile. And we need to do it in a way that works for us. This, I believe, is more or less unique to every individual. And we need to find the ways that work for us personally. This is something that I will explore in the next and last post in this series. 

Non-resistance

Every time that we bring awareness to the present moment and what is going on in it things change. This is a choice that we can make in every moment. And when we choose awareness, life starts to open up to us and we become less prone to get caught up in thoughts and emotions.

I have noticed that in every given moment, we can choose our mindset. Most of us, myself included, have learned to resist and/or force things depending on what situation it is that we are facing. We try to force and control. Sometimes we do have some power to control the situation and sometimes we don’t. But we always want something other than what is. 

It takes some time to notice this and how it functions. But the more we observe ourselves, the more we will start to see all kinds of things that were previously hidden to us. 

There are several signs that we have gone into resistance. We start to get angry and frustrated. We sigh. Thoughts of the type Why can’t it just…? enter our heads. Our actions start to feel compulsive instead of like real choices. If we speak to someone else, we can easily detect how our voice changes. How it becomes more sharp and a complaining tone comes into it. We also may start to overtly complain about the situation at hand.

The resistance can even be felt physically. We tense up in different areas of our bodies and if we are really observant, we can feel how this resistance starts at the centre of our heads. We try to make reality different inside our heads. 

This is about learning to function from a different mindset. One where we allow the things that we cannot control to be as they are. One where we don’t attach labels such as “good” or “bad” to what is happening in the moment. We just allow things to be what they are, bring as much awareness as we are capable of to what is going on, without forcing it, and calmly choose the actions that present themselves. When we are here and now and observe what is going on, instead of being caught up in wishing for things to be different, the best actions usually present themselves effortlessly. 

It does take a lot of practice though. I myself am very far from perfection when it comes to this. And the thing is that it is another type of practice than we are used to. This is not about acquiring a skill in the usual sense. It’s not about exerting an effort. It’s about learning to let things flow on their own accord. Without effort. To let go and trust.

Stress PART 2

Here is the reason why I wish to explore stress and how to change one’s life to experience less of it in a few posts: 

In the last post I hinted at the fact that I’ve recently come face to face with stress that ultimately stems from a feeling of powerlessness. I’ve desperately tried to work on alternative ways of making money, as I, for private reasons, no longer see my current occupation as one that I wish to stay in for too long. But instead I’ve found myself feeling tired and burned out. I haven’t gotten nearly as much done as I had hoped and felt guilty for it. It is clear that much of what I’m doing right now isn’t working.

Stress comes in many forms. The obvious one, which I also believe is tied to other forms, is that there never seems to be enough time to do the things that one wants to do. That one always is in a hurry to tick off all of those things on the to-do list. Then comes financial stress. This type of stress ties in with always being in a hurry, because some of those things on the to-do list are supposed to generate money, so that we can get out of the stress of being financially burdened. 

Then there is the stress of not being in control of one’s life. This often means that one does not plan one’s time properly and so comes the time-stress into the picture. And when one is not in control, one makes mistakes that cost money and so there is another stress factor. As many of us messy people know, there are whole organizations and companies that make much of their money from exploiting mistakes of this type. 

The thing is that I started to write these posts a while back. Then I forgot about them and picked them up yesterday, when looking for something to post, since I haven’t kept up with my blogging lately. Oh the irony! Seriously though, I think that it’s some sort of sign that the first post I actually started going through was yesterday’s. So I have known for quite a while that I live in a dysfunctional situation. And I’ve sort of had the solution right in front of me as well. 

It goes something like this: Stop hurrying first! When I hurry, I fail to plan things adequately. Instead I spend loads of time sort of knowing what to do but not really. I end up having to stop and think of every step, both interrupting my work flow and wasting time. When I hurry, I also do things sloppy and have to correct mistakes afterwards. And last but not least, when I feel stressed about things, I fail to take care of things in my everyday life. I become absent minded, so that I put things at places where I don’t find them, miss making payments and in general fail to take care of my everyday life properly. This in turn ends up costing time and money in various ways, which in turn contributes to my stress even more. Can you recognize yourself in any of this? 

Stress PART 1

2022 has for me so far been a year of discovering what does not work for me. Stress is one of those things. Simply put, if it seems like the world is running too fast, it might just be in my head. And if it’s not just in my head, it’s futile to try to keep up with it anyway. And maybe, just maybe (this might just be the height of wishful thinking, but who cares?) the world will slow down to allow me to catch up ;). Because I don't think that the current situation is making anyone happy.

Because it has become just as much a cliché to point out that we are living too fast, as it is to always be busy. So I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to take a look at my stress and what I can do differently about it. Because I’ve lived with a lot of stress. I still live with it. And so far, it’s not making me happy and I feel that there is a better way to get more things done, while feeling less pain and getting more out of life.

The first thing I’ve noticed is that when I just try to get as much as possible done in as little time as possible, I don’t do things in a smart way, I rush and have to correct errors for sloppy work afterwards. This also means that I’m not very effective. It’s much easier to give in to mindless stuff when you’re tired and try to whip yourself to do work. Finally, I also sooner or later crash, causing even more loss of time. Which is also time where I don’t totally relax, since I feel guilty while I’m taking it. 

Einstein and the beggar

Einstein was no more valuable than any simple beggar. We are all eternal souls, equal in the eyes of God. It’s just our egos and their erroneous judgments that say differently. In the end, we hurt ourselves the most by believing these falsities, since they ALL contribute to making us blind to the truth of what actually is. That we are all one, all beloved children of God and that we are all equally loved by God. Separation hurts all. But the one it hurts the most, is the one that keeps it up by judging.

Smile

    Ramana Maharshi                                                    Ram Dass

I’ve noticed that many spiritual teachers have this peculiar way of smiling. It’s a smile that not just shows, but radiates peace, joy, contentment, liberation and a love for life. I’m talking of for example Ramana Maharshi and Ram Dass.

You may scoff at these people, saying that all they have accomplished, is to turn a blind eye to the harshness, coldness and meaninglessness of reality. 

I believe that the truth is just the opposite. That these people have seen through the suffering that, on the surface, seems to be an inevitable part of the human condition, if not today, then tomorrow. I believe that the key here, is to see that there is a difference between pain and suffering.

Ram Dass spent the last twenty years of his life with the right side of his body paralyzed and his speech impaired after a stroke. And yet, he seemed happier than ever. Because the life that he had lived prior to the stroke, had taught him to separate the actual situation from his reaction/response to it. To him, the stroke was just another reason not to identify with the body and mind. 

I usually don’t smile the way that these people smiled. If I became partially paralyzed, I would probably be devastated. Because I am not able to see life with nearly as much clarity as Maharshi or Ram Dass. But I’ve had my moments when I’ve felt this same smile in my face. This would, without exception, be the short moments when I’ve felt really close to God. At these moments, I’ve enjoyed every breath with gratitude for just being alive. I’ve felt unconditional love for everyone that I’ve interacted with and for humanity and the whole of creation. 

At these moments, I’ve felt first that I would always stay in that same state. Because it would be insane to want to go back to where I was before. Then I’ve started to fear losing what I’ve found. Then the grasping and holding on have followed. And inevitably, I’ve found myself back in my “normal” reality with its petty worries, concerns and annoyances. 

But just knowing that there is another state available, one that is independent of my every-day experiences, infinitely more real than the physical reality, takes the edge off of my pain. It seems a little less real every day. Even if I still get caught up in my negative emotions frequently, there is more distance to them. When the storms come, there is a part of me that just observes them. They become less and less intense. They last shorter and shorter periods. Over time, I become less and less attached to my external circumstances. I smile in joy, peace and gratitude for the wonderful gift that life is a little more often.

Gratitude

I’ve recently come face to face with my own lack of gratitude. I’ve realized that I’ve often focused on the negative, rather than the positive things in my life. I live an amazing life with my wife, even if it’s not always what I had expected. In all the ways that counts, it’s so much more.

The inner resistance part 4

So, I’ve been re-reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now recently. And he talks about the same thing as I’m talking about here. Only that I didn’t know this the last time I read it, because I hadn’t gotten into contact with my inner resistance back then. It’s always cool when you get a confirmation that what you’re experiencing is real. Especially when, if the endgoal is true as well, it’s going to lead to something amazing. In this case real, true, lasting, inner peace.

The inner resistance part 3

The thing is, that when I’m not in this state of resistance towards what is, my body movements become more slowing and precise. I feel confident, energized, present and everything seems to almost work itself out. 

Being present is a key here. I can always trace the beginning of inner resistance to a loss of presence and the activation of automatic thoughts. Suddenly I’m in my head, thinking of how I wish that the situation I’m in would be different. Maybe I’m trying to think my way out of a situation that I cannot get out of. Or I think of other choices that I could have made. Or I wish that other people would act differently.

The inner resistance part 2

I’m pretty sure that this is what the Buddha talked about when he pinpointed resistance and attachment at the basis of the roots of suffering. But I didn’t know that it was something that could be felt so physically. Because it can. 

I feel tension inside my head, both around my pineal glad and in different other areas. When I feel anger for example, i feel my jaws clench and tense up. I also feel tension in my body. I mostly tense up around my chest and solar plexus, but this can happen throughout the body. It is very much an inner resistance towards being itself.

The inner resistance part 1

I feel like it’s time to put it all to rest. What do I mean by this? I mean that it’s time to let go of this inner resistance that I feel more and more clearly day by day. 

I feel how I tense up when something in my reality that I don’t like appears in my reality. Even though I know it’s fruitless, I can’t help but resisting it on the inside.

Slowing down part 7

When I rush, I sooner or later crash into a wall. I burn all my energy pushing through instead of working smart. And the messed up thing, is that this feeds into other patterns as well. Because when I burn out, I often end up on the sofa, watching some crappy movie that doesn’t demand too much attention, with candy and snacks in front of me. And while I do want to indulge in this sometimes, it’s not something that I want to do habitually because I don’t think of what I do and therefore don’t manage my energy properly.

When I rush, I don’t think about being in my body. I don’t think about basic things, such as breathing correctly or relaxing,

Slowing down part 6

Thinking of what I’m about to talk about now makes me sad. You see, I’ve met lots of interesting people in my life. People that I nowadays have no contact with. Because I didn’t feel that I had time for them. Thinking of the friendships that I could have had and what I could have done together with those people really burns in my heart. I can’t say that stress was the only factor that caused this. I’ve in the past had an unconscious tendency to push people away. But swinging between being busy all the time and crashing because of my stress has certainly not helped.