Being okay with who we are

I’m beginning to think that I’ve missed something crucial. Or rather overlooked and misunderstood. Namely being okay with who I am, where I am. To look at my life and say: “this is what I’ve got to work with”, be grateful for it and do my best to make the best out of it.

I’ve read a bunch of the New Age “love yourself” lovey-dovey crap. That is not what I’m talking about. Positive affirmations have never worked for me. I feel exactly nothing when I stand in front of the mirror and say “I love you” to myself. Because itäs just words, coming out of my mouth. I think that real, non-narcissistic self-love is a rather complex process.

Ultimately I think that this is an issue of trusting God. Of believing that even though God has allowed me to mess up so many things, he still has a purpose for everything. Of believing that he can take my brokenness and turn it into something good. Of being content with not knowing what this good is or when it will happen. 

I’ve never felt entirely comfortable in my own skin. And I’m often not okay with being me. I beat myself up for past mistakes. Most of all, I’m mad at myself for the mess that my past self has left for my present self to clean up.

It feels strange to know quite a lot about psychology and spirituality and yet feel that I have so little control over myself and my life. I can see more or less exactly where my problems lie, but I seem unable to do much about them. 

Then I see all of these spiritual teachers that seem to have everything figured out. But I’m truly starting to think that it’s just surface. Marketing strategy. Because people are messy and complicated. It seems to be part of what it means to be human. And when some spiritual teacher displays his or her perfect life and tells me how easy it is to build such a life, it does not inspire me. It makes me feel inadequate. Because when I’ve tried these supposedly easy solutions to life’s problems, I’ve failed over and over again. I do feel that I’ve grown a lot as a person the last few years. And I’ve cleaned up my act quite a bit. It’s true that we do have a fair bit of control when it comes to how we treat ourselves and everyone and everything that are in our lives. 

But I’m I also still struggling on many levels. And there are only a handful of all of the teachings that I feel have actually contributed to my growth. This while many instead have made me more confused. 

One of the people that has had most positive impact on me is Jordan Peterson. He most definitely doesn’t talk about how easy everything it supposed to be. Instead he talks about how life is hard and full of tragedy, but also that we have much more capacity inside ourselves to handle the human condition than we think. That how well we handle life’s storms depends on what kind of character we’ve built. This message, coupled with some truly useful advise, is one that I can get behind.

What I want to say with this, is that many teachings seem to give us unrealistic expectations in life. Instead of being happy with whatever God lays in our path, we instead wonder why things aren’t better. And we feel bad because things don’t flow as smoothly as promised. We feel that there must be something wrong with us. 

What you should know is that if you’re not living the dream, as the YouTubers that you are following, that’s okay. Most of us don’t. Most of us can’t earn a living doing what we’re passionate about. And many struggle to make our everyday lives work. And that has to be okay. God loves us and has a plan for us anyway. 

And here’s the thing: The best people among us, those that do much more than just talk, don’t seem to be problem free people. There is only one perfect person in the whole Bible. Everyone else are different degrees of broken. And I’m beginning to think that those that present themselves as perfect are selling us a lie.

On the other hand, a wise person recently told me that the fruits of the spirit have the quality of fruits. Which means that they have to be watered, nourished and be given time to grow and ripen. So I guess that there might be a point down the line where I feel more confident and put together. But when a bunch of twenty-somethings come out and say that they more or less have figured life out, I believe that it should be viewed with suspicion. And I think that anyone that makes similar claims should display the utmost humility and love in everything they say and do. Because if there is something that I strongly believe, is that the degree to which we’ve figured things out, is directly proportional to the size of our egos. 

What I want to get to with this rather lengthy discussion, is the simple idea that one of the most important things we have to learn, is to work with what we’ve got. Learn to stop wishing for things to be different. Or wait till life is different, makes more sense and we have our acts together before we can live and do what we feel called to do. We have to do so even if we have to stumble around in darkness, no matter how long it has to take. 

Because God is calling right now. Not when we feel ready, but when God says that it’s time. And all that we can do is trust. Through the insecurities, doubts, struggles and feelings of hopelessness, God tells us to trust. Even though we feel broken, lost, confused and friends fail us, God reaches out his hand and tells us to trust. Promises us to use even our brokenness for good. Promises that there is a meaning to everything, even if we can’t see it. And the journey must begin with saying yes to life as it is, right here and now. No matter how hard it seems.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

Living one's insights

It’s one thing to have insights and another to put them into practice. I catch myself more or less daily, acting against my better judgment. Because old habits are so ingrained in me. 

This has something to do with memory. I simply forget that I know a better way of doing things. I simply forget that I know better than doing certain things at all. And I forget that there is a better mindset to do things from. 

As with so many other things, this has to do with awareness. I lose myself in emotions and thoughts. I lose myself in the past or in the future, instead of being here and now. I lose myself in wishing for things to be different. And so I do things automatically, out of habit. 

I come back to awareness, awareness, awareness. It’s all about awareness. When I’m here and now my mind expands. I gain access to higher ways of functioning. When I lose awareness, I fall back into old patterns. Often I even forget that I can choose to bring awareness into every given moment. That every time that I lose awareness, it is a simple choice to bring it back to the present moment. It does not take any effort at all. But our minds are so used to everything taking effort, that it fools itself into thinking that this also takes effort. And so it resists it. 

THOUGHTS are really weird. Why don't more people THINK about that?

We have these words and images in our heads. We also have memories of experiences, pieces of music, things we have seen etcetera. Furthermore, we have beliefs and opinions about things. We have beliefs and opinions about anything from friends, pets, tools, to world politics and religion. Most of us unconsciously believe that we are our thoughts. In other words not in the sense that we walk around using the word-machine inside our heads to say: “I am this thought or I am that thought”. But if we look at how we treat this grinding voice that keeps on nagging inside our heads, it’s clear that we do. Why would we otherwise give so much weight to what it has to say about the world and the people and things in it? So much so that many of us are prepared to buy things they cannot afford, end relationships and friendships or beat people up because of what it says. A few even kill people or start wars because of what it says.

If we try to stop thinking, we pretty soon find out that it’s impossible. And yet, many people go through their whole lives without noticing this. We do seem to have some control over our thoughts however. But few people seem to have given much thought (pun intended!) to how this control works. Even though we have our thoughts running non-stop during our waking hours and they definitely affect what we say and how we feel and act, many (probably most of us) don’t think about how this control works or how the thoughts operate in general. Isn’t this weird? We have something that is with us all of the time during our waking hours, that to a large extent runs our lives. We know that we have some control over this something. But many spend no time at all thinking of how this something functions. Many don’t even realize that they can do such a thing.

We know that we can change a stream of thoughts. But we also know that if too strong negative emotions are attached to a stream of thoughts, we tend to return to them as soon as we stop being aware of what we are thinking of.

The question of being aware of our thoughts is an interesting one in itself. Because it’s only when we are totally focused on observing the thought stream that the thoughts go silent. And if we are like most people, we can only maintain this focus for a second or two. Why is that? Why is it so hard to focus on our thoughts? And why do they disappear when we do?

We can also consciously bring out thoughts. But for the most part, if we are honest with ourselves, we just let them happen. But if we think deliberately, we notice that the character of our thoughts changes, even if it’s hard to put one’s finger on how. But they become more clear, more original, less repetitive. We can also hold imaginary conversations in our heads. We can pretend that we are talking to famous or dead people. For example. We can even direct our thoughts towards God. 

When we direct our thoughts towards God, something also seems to shift, even though, at least when I do it in everyday life, this shift seems rather subtle. So far. I haven’t tried it much yet. Maybe this will change over time.

The EGO's attack on humility and how it hurts our progress

It seems like I get a slap pretty fast these days, when I start thinking that I’ve risen above petty struggles. When I’m not being honest with myself and others about my shortcomings. And this is the thing: there is no point denying reality. I have dealt with some of my problems. I am no longer afraid of challenges. I’ve dealt with my addictions, except food addiction, and I’ve done it “only” with the help of God. I’ve started to live relatively healthy, which means that I work out, meditate daily, work actively to fix my physical problems and eat mainly healthy food, even if I still frequently overeat. 

Lately, because I’ve truly started to see some improvement in my own life, I’ve started to become more of a positive influence in other people’s lives, a part of me has started to want to project an image of infallibility. This is of course false and inauthentic. But as with so many other behaviors that we engage in, it has happened unconsciously, because I haven’t been vigilant towards myself. 

But the truth is that I still have a poor self-control when it comes to quite a few things. I still get angry and frustrated when too many “bad” things happen at once. I still have financial issues, I have my dark thoughts, judgments, hangups and difficulties in social interactions. Just to name a few things. 

What I am thus beginning to notice, is that every time I start projecting this image of perfection, life smacks me in the face pretty hard. I get hit with one problem after the other. If I handle the first with dignity, another one comes along and so on, until I break down and curse my wretched life and existence itself.

There are of course other harsh lessons baked into these lessons. Usually it has to do with money or lack of self-control. But the overall theme is my unwillingness to be vulnerable and to be perceived as flawed.

A funny thing is that when I’ve opened up more about my issues, other people have reacted with nothing but positivity. In at least one case, the person that I have spoken to has even expressed gratitude over the fact that I’m willing to share the struggles that I’m still facing, even though I have my life much more in order now than just a few years ago. Just because I’m human doesn’t mean that I cannot offer important insights to others. It’s probably the opposite. Humans are messy and complicated. If someone seems to have things figured out, we probably don’t know the whole person. And if we are truly going to help someone else, we need connection. Otherwise we are just egos talking to egos. Again, we are not here to be perfect. We are here to be human. And the need to project an image of perfection does not make us more likable. It makes us less so. 

Change can go fast if you take action

When it comes to my habits, they often can be change pretty fast if I take action contrary to them. One good example is that when I started doing things at my job that I previously tried to avoid because of lack of experience, this habit started to shift. It started after the first time that I consciously chose to break my old habit. 

Maybe the “consciously” part shouldn’t be dismissed here? I also wonder whether some habits contain sub-habits that they need to be broken down into. For example my habit of eating too much when I watch movies. Perhaps I first need to kick the habit of always eating when I watch movies. And if I’m more selective when I watch them and remove some of the more mindless entertainment, this might make my movie experiences more meaningful. And this might lead to a lesser need for other mindless pleasures associated with it. And if I’m going to eat stuff when I watch movies, I could gradually replace the unhealthy stuff with healthier alternatives. And so on.

I know that this probably sounds pretty trite and basic. But I think that many people would be surprised at how many things are on auto-pilot in their lives, while it flies under the radar under the erroneous label of free choice. I think it’s very much time to start taking our power back from our unconscious habits!

The need to prove ourselves DESTROYS confidence

If I’m present with myself, I can observe the energy behind what I’m saying. This might sound a little vague, but let me explain. 

As I’m getting more into contact with myself, my confidence grows and with it my speech changes when I interact with other people in different circumstances. I feel that I’m becoming more and more capable of handling the situations that arise in my life and I feel more and more like someone who actually knows what he’s doing. Not just someone that tries to make other believe this. Which has been how I’ve felt in the past. Even if I wouldn’t have admitted this to myself while it was going on. 

But something that has not gone away, which I’ve noticed lately, is my need to prove myself. It was stronger when I lacked real confidence. But it still lingers. When I observe the words that come out of my mouths, some of them are the same types of attempts at making others believe certain things about me. This neither confident nor powerful. It’s certainly not humble. And if I’m really observant, I can feel the energy shift when I go into this mode. Feel how I’m losing the person that I’m speaking to a bit.

What would be a more powerful approach? Well, to simply keep in mind that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. To be clear about my intention and focus on what’s important. To not I attach some importance to how other people view me as a person. Not because I need to prove that I’m intelligent, in control, strong, disciplined etcetera. Because I know that I have a genuinely confident side, which grows stronger and comes out more frequently the more I work on myself. The more challenges that I handle rather than run away from them. And when I act and speak from this side of myself, people tend to respond in a positive manner without me having to think of what impression I want to make. 

More thoughts about thoughts

Thoughts constantly fill our heads during our waking hours. They also fill our dreams, even though they are significantly different when we dream, than when we are awake. Yet, many don’t think about them. Worse yet, many believe that they are their thoughts. They may not have spelled it out for themselves, but this is what they unconsciously assume. Even though they cannot find what in their thoughts that they actually are. And even though they can hold many contradictory thoughts from time to time. 

Many also believe that their thoughts are true, without examining the evidence for them.

I’m not saying this from some place of superiority. All of the above was my reality until just a few years ago. And when I’m not present and conscious of what is going on inside of me, I still slip back into this way of relating to my thoughts.

The more I observe what is going on inside my head, the more I’m starting to notice that some thoughts seem “higher” while others seem “lower”. Some thoughts seem to ring more true. They seem more conscious and mature. These thoughts seem to come out when I’m more present and conscious of what I’m thinking, while the thoughts that I let slip by while I’m not really aware of what I’m thinking seem “lower” and more immature. The “higher” thoughts seem more loving, joyful and they seem to want what’s best for everyone, including me. The “lower” thoughts on the other hand, seem to be more focused on instant gratification, sometimes at the expense of others and most certainly at my own expense in the long run. As I’ve matured some with age, I’ve learned to at least not take action on the thoughts that blatantly hurt others. 

I believe that, at least metaphorically, these thoughts are God and the Devil. When it comes to God, I even believe that they come from God in a literal sense, while I only believe that the Devil is a representation of our ego. I believe that depending on which thoughts we choose to nourish, we can create either our personal heaven or hell here on earth. 

Those of us that have dark pasts...

I’ve done more “bad” things than most people in my past than most people. I’m not going to get into detail about this here. Not at this point. Perhaps in the future, if I feel called to do so.

Jesus said that he came not to "call the righteous, but sinners" (Luke 5:32). This, I believe, is very relevant today. Even if the second coming isn't happening as visibly as most have expected, but instead is more like a gentle tap on the shoulder. And even if the second coming might not be reserved exclusively for Christians or even Bible believers.

Now, I don’t believe in eternal damnation. But I believe that we can mess up pretty bad and I honestly have no idea what, if any, the consequences of that might be. But I believe that we always can turn around. I also believe that turning around makes us unequivocally happier, even if turning around also entails lots of pain. 

One thing that I’ve also noticed, is that it’s not as easy as just deciding to turn around. I'm stating the obvious here. But it's not just our weak wills that prevent us from leaving our destructive behaviors behind. What I've come to realize, is that every little dark action leaves its mark. Even every little dark word or thought, at least if they are related to our attitudes or behaviors, leave their marks.

Some thing begin when we are too young to be able to make the decisions that lead us into darkness. But often, the unconscious decisions that we make when we are young follow us throughout adulthood. Not seldom to our graves. 

And when we decide to turn our backs on a particular habit or behavior, it will eventually try to come back into our lives. It does so through our thoughts. The thoughts start to find justifications. The justifications can take many forms. Sometimes they tell us that what we know to be bad really is okay. Other times they say “it’s not so bad”. And yet other times, they tell us “yeah, it’s bad, but I suffer so much right now that I simply do not care, so to hell with my good intentions”. 

As soon as we, often unconsciously, start looking for those justifications, we are sure to find them. And if we’re not vigilant of what is going on inside our heads, we might end up believing these thoughts without questioning.

Get up and keep going PART 2

Had the series of events that I briefly described in part 1 happened just two years ago, I could have felt depressed for several days. And I still think that I could have handled the situation even better.

What I did right was that I let the situation go. I accepted that this was how I was feeling at the moment. And I allowed myself the luxury of breaking my positive habits temporarily and indulge in some things to comfort me. I allowed myself to feel anger, sadness and even hopelessness for a while.

I was also better than before at observing what was happening inside of me. And this time it was more clear than ever, how something inside of me wanted to hold on to the pain. To feel offended and victimized. To make the whole situation wrong. 

But when I was ready to let the emotions go, I did so. I could even, while still feeling pain, enjoy allowing myself to do things that I know are bad for me, but that I nonetheless derive pleasure from. The next time the hassles become too much, this is what I will go to immediately, but bring even more consciousness and intention into it. I’ll just accept falling as a, for the most part, unavoidable part of life, and make the best of it. And then, when I’m ready, I’ll just get up and put one foot in front of the other with my eyes firmly fixed on my goals.

Get up and keep going PART 1

I’ve had a couple of rather crappy experiences the last couple of weeks, that brought me out of balance momentarily. I’ve gotten out of my negative emotional reactions now and feel that it’s time to see what I can learn from it.

This time the straw that broke the camel’s back came in the form of a huge bill from Trafikförsäkringsföreningen, because I made a mistake. This was the latest in a series of financial backlashes that I’ve faced lately and this time it was more than I could bear.

I was going to call Trafikförsäkringsföreningen a government funded maffia organization in this post. I also called them much worse things when I talked to my wife. And I told my wife about many things that I would like to do to those that work for them. But after consideration, I’ve decided that none of these things are expressions of who I want to be.

You can struggle all you want, telling yourself that “I should be above these emotions”. But that only makes things worse. And when you are in a negative emotional state, it feels as if it’s going to go on forever. We know on some level that this is not the case. But at the moment when we’re caught up in our emotions, we don’t have access to this knowledge in any meaningful way. Instead we find ourselves in a quadruple whammy. Our emotions make us unconscious of what exactly is happening within us, since our attention is focused on resisting the emotions and the situation that caused them. All the while, more or less unconscious negative thoughts keep feeding into our negative emotions, while we cause more resistance by telling ourselves that “I shouldn’t feel this way”. And on top of that, it feels like this is the new normal. Like we are going to feel this way forever.

What I did this time, was that I basically said “f*** it!” I usually eat quite healthy and I seldom drink alcohol. But now I bought both beer and junk food. Then I drank the beers and ate the junk food together with my wife, while watching God Bless America and later when I was alone also Hesher, two movies with loads of anger and negativity in them. 

The next day I didn’t feel all that great when I woke up. But after some yoga and meditation things started to clear up.

Through choosing our thoughts we can affect how we feel tremendously PART 2

Seen from the angle described in the last post, I did something with a good intention, there was no indication that what I said caused the recipient to feel any negativity towards me and if it did, it’s not really my problem.

You can probably see how this, that was all taking place inside my head, could have gone in a completely different direction, causing all kinds of negative emotions.

Let’s take this one step further and think of the fact that this whole thing stemmed from a small conversation that I had with a person the day before. Let’s consider that there might be many of these little situations throughout the day, where we have a choice of whether we wish to believe positive or negative things about them. And whether we want to give them a positive or a negative meaning. And that all of this contribute to our over all wellbeing.

Through choosing our thoughts we can affect how we feel tremendously Part 1

This has to do with our beliefs and what meaning we give to things. There is always another possible perspective than the first one that pops into the mind.

One good example was when I started going into thoughts where I started thinking that someone at my job had disliked something I said. I said what I thought in a friendly, thought through manner though and the person didn’t give me any indication that he took it the wrong way. I know that these types of worries also stems from a very light, manageable social phobia. One which is very far from pathological and which decreases as time passes, as long as I become aware of it and challenge it when it arises. As with many things, bringing more consciousness into it automatically begins dissolving it.

So instead I chose to look at it as that I actually did something good, since what I said was actually in defence of another person and I said it in the most non-confrontative way that I could think of, while still maintaining a clear message.

Shift focus from the outside to the inside

When you shift focus from what’s going on in the world, to the energies that move inside the body, you can observe and let go of emotions that are triggered, instead of acting them out or suppressing them. This is the way to get rid of both the new emotional energy, that the body wanted to get rid of through reacting, and stored emotional energy. This way you can eventually stop reacting altogether. Emotions are just energy. Even though real traumas need to be dealt with through deeper processing, the energy created from daily stressors can be let go of in this manner. Emotions from daily stressors are plainly useless, but for most people, they are the ones that do most damage. 

It is you who govern your thoughts, not the other way around

This is a habit. It can be learned. Any behavior starts in the thoughts. The more we observe our thoughts, the more the ability to change the direction of them increases.

Stop letting circumstances dictate behavior

This is a habit and it needs to be destroyed!

It’s very easy for me to for example think that: Well, today I feel a little bit down, so I’ll just binge out on snacks and watch a movie or two. Instead of doing what I initially planned to do.

It’s not as easy as just deciding to change a habit (duh!). 

If I remember it correctly, it takes 21 days to actually change a habit and another 24 (45 in total) to make the change permanent in the way that it feels natural. 

But even though I cannot just snap my fingers and I’ve formed a more desirable habit, it’s not as if I have no control over myself either. What I’ve realized is that, as with so many things, this starts in my head. I set an intention and then I convince myself to break the intention. It’s not a question of giving in to an uncontrollable urge. It can be that too. But most of the time, I start rationalizing breaking my initial intention, in ways such as in the example above.

How am I going to accomplish anything if I choose the lower option when stuff happen. Stuff always happen. 

I think that the binge-out-and-watch-movies example is a good one. Because it illustrates a bigger, core-habit. The one of letting circumstances dictate my behavior. One thing that I realized right now, is that this habit also makes me look for excuses to break my intentions. I had actually not thought of this until now. But if there is a “reward” for a certain type of behavior, I will unconsciously start looking for what can bring me that reward. 

One thing that probably is necessary, is to broaden my perspective with regard to my choices. I probably cannot always follow my schedule when I feel too much resistance. It’s probably a good thing to have a certain flexibility, unless I just want to bang my head against the wall. But that doesn’t mean that there is nothing productive that I can do. Changing the habit might means that I cannot go for the easy, comfortable option. But it does not have to mean that I have to push through whatever tedious task I have in front of me either.

Taking steps in the right direction

I just realized that there are these little steps, that are not that difficult to take, that we can take every day, that are so small, that I fail to recognize them as steps. When I try to do everything at once, I inevitably fail, because the burden becomes to heavy. In many areas, I’ve been standing still for many years, trying to bang my head against the wall, punishing myself into “better” behavior and beating myself up because I’m not able to live up to my own standards. 

What I could have done instead, is take micro steps in my day to day life. If I would have done so, my growth would have probably involved much less pain, and I would in all likelihood have gotten much further, since I wouldn’t have had constant failures to deal with.

If I can choose sweets with less sugar and more nutrition, that’s a step in the right direction. If I can eat popcorn, or even just snacks with a little more protein in them, instead of potato chips, it’s a step in the right direction. If I can watch a movie that will give me a new perspective, or even just one that makes me happy, instead of just offering mindless entertainment, it’s a step in the right direction. 

I think that I’m going to give the concept of “baby-steps” a serious go!

Cleaning up my mess

Going through a spiritual awakening, I realize that whatever mess one has created while being unconscious, both inside and outside, but mainly inside, has to be cleaned up. All of it! No one will do it for me. And in my case, it’s a pretty big mess. Everything from a lousy spine due to bad posture and a body full of tensions due to suppressed emotions, to money issues, to habits such as being annoyed by little things, being cheap or talking too much. All of it!

Getting into the habit of dealing with our problems right away

Just like with so many things on my blog, this one is another “stating the obvious” post. But this is such an important habit to cultivate, and yet, most people don’t do it. And often, I think, it is because we don’t think about it. We need reminders of not habitually postponing everything. So, here comes a reminder.

This habit will transform us. It builds confidence in our ability to handle things. It makes us more and more into action takers. We will learn that our resistance mostly is in our heads. That things aren’t so bad once we just do them. Our problems won’t pile up and overwhelm us. Instead, we get this nice, comfortable feeling of forward motion and being in control of our lives.

And we will have to deal with the problems sooner or later anyway. And you don’t have to be perfect at this habit immediately. Just set the intention and strive for it and it will come eventually.