Humility again

I keep coming back to this word. It’s something that I constantly notice that people lack. Everyone except me…

Just kidding. The truth is that I find it so difficult not wanting to be someone in the eyes of others. Not wanting to be considered intelligent, educated and insightful. I often catch myself making statements that are meant to show off my positive qualities, while trying to not come off as boastful.

Even when admitting my lack of humility, there is a touch of pride in it: “Look at me how humble I am because I’m willing to admit my lack of humility.”

Connecting with other people

One of my core wounds, maybe THE core wound, is that I have problems getting really close to other people. It easily becomes just two intellects talking. 

The funny thing is that somewhere in the background, I’ve seen that I have a great capacity to connect with others. If I manage to not get swept up in negativity or take things personally, I’m fairly good at finding good qualities in people and treat them equally. I’ve also noticed that on good days, people like to be in my presence. Which was not the case when I was younger.

What I’ve realized, is that if I want to talk to people so that they actually listen to what I say, I need to connect with them first. The same words will be received completely differently depending on whether or not there is a connection.

I tend to lose the original question when I talk sometimes

I guess this happens from time to time for everyone and that next to no one is unaware of it. But I think that it deserves some conscious thought. I think that this goes for all things that everyone does in communication for that by the way. And the thing is, that the last time it happened, I sort of went into a lecture about things that I knew and my thoughts about it, rather than what the people I was speaking to actually wanted to know. Luckily, it was a pretty interesting subject that I happen to know a few things about. So I don’t think that I bored them or anything. But still…

Wanting to be someone in the eyes of others

I’ve been a very confused person throughout my life. I think most people are pretty confused. I’m still pretty confused when it comes to many things. But I’m starting to see through at least some of my confusion.

So here comes a funny example of my past confusion. I used to care about no one except myself. I was proud of this. And at the same time, I didn’t care who I was either. I only cared who I was in the eyes of others. This was, on the other hand, not something that I was particularly proud of. In fact, I was so not proud of it, that I didn’t even admit it to myself. As a matter of fact, I often stated that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me, because it mattered a great deal to me that everyone knew that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. 

The truth is that I wanted to create an image of myself in the eyes of others. I often caught myself fantasizing about what other people thought of me. I still do sometimes. But not as often and I usually become aware of those thoughts nowadays, name them and banish them (could demons be metaphors for unwanted thoughts? They sure seem to work in very similar ways).

I think that this way of functioning points towards low self-esteem. Another thing that I didn’t give much thought until later in life, only to, when I finally started looking at it, discover that I had almost none of. In fact, it’s first now, that I’m nearing 40, that I’m starting to feel capable. That I can somewhat rely on myself and my abilities. I did however make some moves towards not feeling completely worthless when I got my drivers licence at 23, and when I started working out and went to the university at 26. 

But I’ve still, to a large degree, been more pre-occupied with who others think that I am, than with who I actually am. When I became aware of it, I knew it had to stop. But my twisted reasoning, which I think is quite common, went something like this: If I can just convince others that I am a certain way, I become this.

What I’ve come to realize, is that there is great freedom in not caring what other people think. But it’s a freedom that is not easily acquired. I’m still not free from it. But I’m more free than I was when I claimed that I didn’t care at all. And today I attach much more significance to how I view myself and who I actually am, than I did back then, when my main goal was to impress others.

I talk too much. Part 6

There is an automatic way of functioning in this. I talked about speech patterns in an earlier part of the series. I’m triggered to speak this way by topics that interest me. I often do feel that I have something to say that might be beneficial to someone else in some way. But there is also often a component of feeling a need to impress others with my knowledge on a topic. Or I want to make myself understood in one way or another. As I said, these patterns are triggered automatically. It might be because I have a hard time being fully present in conversations. Maybe being present in conversations is what I have to practice first and foremost?

I talk too much. Part 5

When I engage in unconscious talking, judgments of other people often creep in as well. And yeah, I know “the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”. I know that. And I know that I judge people in my thoughts. But it’s even harder to control one’s thoughts than one’s words. So if I hope to stop judging people in my mind, a good first step ought to be to stop doing it in my words. When I’m not guarding my mouth and someone that I for one reason or another hold a judgment over becomes the topic of conversation, I find myself saying things that I promised myself that I would never say about someone. Having formulated this clearly for myself, I hope that I will be able to change it.

I talk too much part 4

How can I become more conscious of my speech? I guess that one way might be to get away from thinking about how others perceive my speech, and into thinking about who I’m being with the way I speak. Because if I act like what I have to say is more important than what everyone else has to say, what does that say about me?

I talk too much part 3

As with everything else that is dysfunctional in one’s life, too much talking is mainly a matter of unconsciousness. At least for me. I’ve on certain topics acquired a habit of speaking in a way appropriate for a lecturer. As a matter of fact, I have in general acquired quite an impressive sets of patterns for how I speak, that emerge as soon as I’m not conscious of what I’m saying or how I’m saying it.

I talk too much part 2

I can’t really say that I love the sound of my own voice. But I sure act like it sometimes. When I get going on a subject that I’m passionate about, there is no stopping me. I sometimes, quite often actually, do have some worthwhile things to say and now and then I manage to say something funny that make people laugh. So I’m not one of those people (thank God I’m not one of those people! ;)) that go on for hours about things that no one is interested in. But I do brag sometimes, I ask too few questions, hold monologues, don’t listen properly and I often catch myself waiting for my turn to speak when someone else is talking.

I talk too much part 1

Why is it so hard to STFU!? 

I started to realize that I’m not in control of my thoughts somewhere in my early twenties, even though I didn’t begin to undestand to what extent that this was true until my mid thirties.

But I’m still in control of what I’m saying, right? If I truly believe that, have I ever consciously observed myself when I’m speaking?