Letting go of what's unimportant

There are really only three truly important things in life. Our relationship with God and all that it entails, our relationship with others and our relationship with ourselves. If you believe that these two sentences hold some truth, it becomes obvious that it’s our relationships that are important. I would even stretch it so far as to say that there is something divine about our relationships. So why are we having such a hard time taking proper care of our relationships? Here are some some factors in my life: stress, fears, worries, disappointments, financial issues, trust-issues. Just to name a few. 

Many of us carry around lots of baggage that affects how we act towards those around us. Act in ways that we neither see nor understand. As with so many difficulties in life, the first step to healing is awareness. We need to be present with ourselves. Observe ourselves. Try to see and understand what is happening when it happens.

Some spiritual teachings tell us that we have to let go of everything in this world, including the attachments that we have to the ones that we love. I believe that this is wrong. Plain and simple. We’re supposed to care for those around us. And when something happens to them we’re supposed to care. When someone that we love dies, we’re supposed to grieve. And since I know God exists, that we go on living after we die and that the Bible is right about those things that I can confirm through my own experience, I take comfort in the idea that I will see those that I love that have passed away again. You may find this a bit childish, but I even hope that this includes pets. Because why not?

You see, I’m beginning to see that the Christian faith has room for not just one type of faith and relationship with God. It does have room for the child-like faith that I just described, where God embraces us after we die, wipes our tears and tells us that absolutely everything is okay. And it also has room for a relationship with a God that is the infinite, all-powerful ruler of heaven and earth, whose love and glory is so magnificent, that we cannot even begin to comprehend it. The God that calls us to grow out of our petty egos and into ruthless self-examinations, so that we can die from all that is immature, selfish and wicked. 

How far most of us have strayed from this type of relationship with God. How far I have strayed from it. Comfort has silently taken over us. Made many of us weak and numb. And when the conveniences that we’ve gotten used to get taken away or don’t work properly it causes frustration. At least it does for me. How easy it is for our attention to get drawn away from what’s important to that which is unimportant. 

There are in general so many irrelevant things in my life that take up energy and attention. When all I really want to do is live the kind of godly life that I just spoke about. A life where God is always at the centre. A life where my thoughts are always occupied with God and where God colors all of my actions, words and even thoughts. This might sound like the goal of a fanatic. But if we truly believe in God and that he is who the Bible says he is, how could things be any other way? And to be clear, I have no wish to ever force anything on anyone. I don’t believe that anything good ever can come from coercion and I’m firmly against any expression of religion that relies on it. Only falseness can come from it. I only wish for others to see for themselves what I today know to be true. Not because I need to be right or need others to agree with me, but because I know that God exists and that true meaningfulness can only come from having him in our lives. How could I not want this for others?

In my day to day life and my spiritual practices, I’ve in different ways caught glimpses of a world beyond this one. Of what a life where I fully walk with God would be like. Felt the love that our creator has for us. I don’t expect anyone to take my word for it. I don’t believe that anyone should take anyone’s word for anything. This is not about mere belief. I cannot say how long it will take, but I believe that whoever knocks on the proverbial door will see it open eventually.

Since I’ve felt some of what I believe to be the eternity that the Bible promises, I know that whatever this world offers pales in comparison. And yet, I’m often sucked into the worries and feelings of lack that for most of us is a necessary component of this life: “I want this. I don’t have that. This doesn’t work the way it should. How am I going to get through this? Why can’t things be different from what they are? Are things ever going to be different?” Etcetera. 

I’ve noticed that my memory works pretty strange when it comes to this. Because it seems as if I can’t be caught up in this world and remember all of the signs that point to a better world at the same time. When I’m caught up in the worries of this life, it seems as if this life is all there is. When this happens, all of the little temporal, passing things of this life and this world, suddenly seem terribly important. Even though I, on some level, know that most of them will have passed away in a month or a year. This while God’s kingdom is forever.

I personally have a fair balance between joy and suffering in my life. Many people suffer more, while other suffer less. But a fact of life is that even those that don’t suffer much today, will in all likelihood suffer more some time during their lives. And suffering is still suffering no matter what. But it’s much easier to bear when we have the solid ground of faith beneath our feet. Not a faith of wishful thinking, but one whose truth is firmly planted in our hearts.

Whether I, in the situations that I face throughout my day, can remember what’s important, seems to have a lot to do with awareness. Can I be conscious enough to notice that I’m slipping before it’s too late? 

Are you beginning to see why cultivating more present moment awareness is so important? This is something that we can do always. Just get into the habit of consciously noticing what is going on as often as possible throughout the day. Being really present with our senses. Noticing both what is going on in the external world and what we’re thinking, feeling and what is going on inside the body. That is all that it takes really. We can read tons of books about mindfulness. I have. But this is all that is really needed. And here comes a little hint: Much more is going on inside the body than we usually are aware of. Just try for yourself and put more focus on what sensations pass through it and see what happens.

Being okay with who we are

I’m beginning to think that I’ve missed something crucial. Or rather overlooked and misunderstood. Namely being okay with who I am, where I am. To look at my life and say: “this is what I’ve got to work with”, be grateful for it and do my best to make the best out of it.

I’ve read a bunch of the New Age “love yourself” lovey-dovey crap. That is not what I’m talking about. Positive affirmations have never worked for me. I feel exactly nothing when I stand in front of the mirror and say “I love you” to myself. Because itäs just words, coming out of my mouth. I think that real, non-narcissistic self-love is a rather complex process.

Ultimately I think that this is an issue of trusting God. Of believing that even though God has allowed me to mess up so many things, he still has a purpose for everything. Of believing that he can take my brokenness and turn it into something good. Of being content with not knowing what this good is or when it will happen. 

I’ve never felt entirely comfortable in my own skin. And I’m often not okay with being me. I beat myself up for past mistakes. Most of all, I’m mad at myself for the mess that my past self has left for my present self to clean up.

It feels strange to know quite a lot about psychology and spirituality and yet feel that I have so little control over myself and my life. I can see more or less exactly where my problems lie, but I seem unable to do much about them. 

Then I see all of these spiritual teachers that seem to have everything figured out. But I’m truly starting to think that it’s just surface. Marketing strategy. Because people are messy and complicated. It seems to be part of what it means to be human. And when some spiritual teacher displays his or her perfect life and tells me how easy it is to build such a life, it does not inspire me. It makes me feel inadequate. Because when I’ve tried these supposedly easy solutions to life’s problems, I’ve failed over and over again. I do feel that I’ve grown a lot as a person the last few years. And I’ve cleaned up my act quite a bit. It’s true that we do have a fair bit of control when it comes to how we treat ourselves and everyone and everything that are in our lives. 

But I’m I also still struggling on many levels. And there are only a handful of all of the teachings that I feel have actually contributed to my growth. This while many instead have made me more confused. 

One of the people that has had most positive impact on me is Jordan Peterson. He most definitely doesn’t talk about how easy everything it supposed to be. Instead he talks about how life is hard and full of tragedy, but also that we have much more capacity inside ourselves to handle the human condition than we think. That how well we handle life’s storms depends on what kind of character we’ve built. This message, coupled with some truly useful advise, is one that I can get behind.

What I want to say with this, is that many teachings seem to give us unrealistic expectations in life. Instead of being happy with whatever God lays in our path, we instead wonder why things aren’t better. And we feel bad because things don’t flow as smoothly as promised. We feel that there must be something wrong with us. 

What you should know is that if you’re not living the dream, as the YouTubers that you are following, that’s okay. Most of us don’t. Most of us can’t earn a living doing what we’re passionate about. And many struggle to make our everyday lives work. And that has to be okay. God loves us and has a plan for us anyway. 

And here’s the thing: The best people among us, those that do much more than just talk, don’t seem to be problem free people. There is only one perfect person in the whole Bible. Everyone else are different degrees of broken. And I’m beginning to think that those that present themselves as perfect are selling us a lie.

On the other hand, a wise person recently told me that the fruits of the spirit have the quality of fruits. Which means that they have to be watered, nourished and be given time to grow and ripen. So I guess that there might be a point down the line where I feel more confident and put together. But when a bunch of twenty-somethings come out and say that they more or less have figured life out, I believe that it should be viewed with suspicion. And I think that anyone that makes similar claims should display the utmost humility and love in everything they say and do. Because if there is something that I strongly believe, is that the degree to which we’ve figured things out, is directly proportional to the size of our egos. 

What I want to get to with this rather lengthy discussion, is the simple idea that one of the most important things we have to learn, is to work with what we’ve got. Learn to stop wishing for things to be different. Or wait till life is different, makes more sense and we have our acts together before we can live and do what we feel called to do. We have to do so even if we have to stumble around in darkness, no matter how long it has to take. 

Because God is calling right now. Not when we feel ready, but when God says that it’s time. And all that we can do is trust. Through the insecurities, doubts, struggles and feelings of hopelessness, God tells us to trust. Even though we feel broken, lost, confused and friends fail us, God reaches out his hand and tells us to trust. Promises us to use even our brokenness for good. Promises that there is a meaning to everything, even if we can’t see it. And the journey must begin with saying yes to life as it is, right here and now. No matter how hard it seems.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

THOUGHTS are really weird. Why don't more people THINK about that?

We have these words and images in our heads. We also have memories of experiences, pieces of music, things we have seen etcetera. Furthermore, we have beliefs and opinions about things. We have beliefs and opinions about anything from friends, pets, tools, to world politics and religion. Most of us unconsciously believe that we are our thoughts. In other words not in the sense that we walk around using the word-machine inside our heads to say: “I am this thought or I am that thought”. But if we look at how we treat this grinding voice that keeps on nagging inside our heads, it’s clear that we do. Why would we otherwise give so much weight to what it has to say about the world and the people and things in it? So much so that many of us are prepared to buy things they cannot afford, end relationships and friendships or beat people up because of what it says. A few even kill people or start wars because of what it says.

If we try to stop thinking, we pretty soon find out that it’s impossible. And yet, many people go through their whole lives without noticing this. We do seem to have some control over our thoughts however. But few people seem to have given much thought (pun intended!) to how this control works. Even though we have our thoughts running non-stop during our waking hours and they definitely affect what we say and how we feel and act, many (probably most of us) don’t think about how this control works or how the thoughts operate in general. Isn’t this weird? We have something that is with us all of the time during our waking hours, that to a large extent runs our lives. We know that we have some control over this something. But many spend no time at all thinking of how this something functions. Many don’t even realize that they can do such a thing.

We know that we can change a stream of thoughts. But we also know that if too strong negative emotions are attached to a stream of thoughts, we tend to return to them as soon as we stop being aware of what we are thinking of.

The question of being aware of our thoughts is an interesting one in itself. Because it’s only when we are totally focused on observing the thought stream that the thoughts go silent. And if we are like most people, we can only maintain this focus for a second or two. Why is that? Why is it so hard to focus on our thoughts? And why do they disappear when we do?

We can also consciously bring out thoughts. But for the most part, if we are honest with ourselves, we just let them happen. But if we think deliberately, we notice that the character of our thoughts changes, even if it’s hard to put one’s finger on how. But they become more clear, more original, less repetitive. We can also hold imaginary conversations in our heads. We can pretend that we are talking to famous or dead people. For example. We can even direct our thoughts towards God. 

When we direct our thoughts towards God, something also seems to shift, even though, at least when I do it in everyday life, this shift seems rather subtle. So far. I haven’t tried it much yet. Maybe this will change over time.

More thoughts about thoughts

Thoughts constantly fill our heads during our waking hours. They also fill our dreams, even though they are significantly different when we dream, than when we are awake. Yet, many don’t think about them. Worse yet, many believe that they are their thoughts. They may not have spelled it out for themselves, but this is what they unconsciously assume. Even though they cannot find what in their thoughts that they actually are. And even though they can hold many contradictory thoughts from time to time. 

Many also believe that their thoughts are true, without examining the evidence for them.

I’m not saying this from some place of superiority. All of the above was my reality until just a few years ago. And when I’m not present and conscious of what is going on inside of me, I still slip back into this way of relating to my thoughts.

The more I observe what is going on inside my head, the more I’m starting to notice that some thoughts seem “higher” while others seem “lower”. Some thoughts seem to ring more true. They seem more conscious and mature. These thoughts seem to come out when I’m more present and conscious of what I’m thinking, while the thoughts that I let slip by while I’m not really aware of what I’m thinking seem “lower” and more immature. The “higher” thoughts seem more loving, joyful and they seem to want what’s best for everyone, including me. The “lower” thoughts on the other hand, seem to be more focused on instant gratification, sometimes at the expense of others and most certainly at my own expense in the long run. As I’ve matured some with age, I’ve learned to at least not take action on the thoughts that blatantly hurt others. 

I believe that, at least metaphorically, these thoughts are God and the Devil. When it comes to God, I even believe that they come from God in a literal sense, while I only believe that the Devil is a representation of our ego. I believe that depending on which thoughts we choose to nourish, we can create either our personal heaven or hell here on earth. 

Those of us that have dark pasts...

I’ve done more “bad” things than most people in my past than most people. I’m not going to get into detail about this here. Not at this point. Perhaps in the future, if I feel called to do so.

Jesus said that he came not to "call the righteous, but sinners" (Luke 5:32). This, I believe, is very relevant today. Even if the second coming isn't happening as visibly as most have expected, but instead is more like a gentle tap on the shoulder. And even if the second coming might not be reserved exclusively for Christians or even Bible believers.

Now, I don’t believe in eternal damnation. But I believe that we can mess up pretty bad and I honestly have no idea what, if any, the consequences of that might be. But I believe that we always can turn around. I also believe that turning around makes us unequivocally happier, even if turning around also entails lots of pain. 

One thing that I’ve also noticed, is that it’s not as easy as just deciding to turn around. I'm stating the obvious here. But it's not just our weak wills that prevent us from leaving our destructive behaviors behind. What I've come to realize, is that every little dark action leaves its mark. Even every little dark word or thought, at least if they are related to our attitudes or behaviors, leave their marks.

Some thing begin when we are too young to be able to make the decisions that lead us into darkness. But often, the unconscious decisions that we make when we are young follow us throughout adulthood. Not seldom to our graves. 

And when we decide to turn our backs on a particular habit or behavior, it will eventually try to come back into our lives. It does so through our thoughts. The thoughts start to find justifications. The justifications can take many forms. Sometimes they tell us that what we know to be bad really is okay. Other times they say “it’s not so bad”. And yet other times, they tell us “yeah, it’s bad, but I suffer so much right now that I simply do not care, so to hell with my good intentions”. 

As soon as we, often unconsciously, start looking for those justifications, we are sure to find them. And if we’re not vigilant of what is going on inside our heads, we might end up believing these thoughts without questioning.

Get up and keep going PART 2

Had the series of events that I briefly described in part 1 happened just two years ago, I could have felt depressed for several days. And I still think that I could have handled the situation even better.

What I did right was that I let the situation go. I accepted that this was how I was feeling at the moment. And I allowed myself the luxury of breaking my positive habits temporarily and indulge in some things to comfort me. I allowed myself to feel anger, sadness and even hopelessness for a while.

I was also better than before at observing what was happening inside of me. And this time it was more clear than ever, how something inside of me wanted to hold on to the pain. To feel offended and victimized. To make the whole situation wrong. 

But when I was ready to let the emotions go, I did so. I could even, while still feeling pain, enjoy allowing myself to do things that I know are bad for me, but that I nonetheless derive pleasure from. The next time the hassles become too much, this is what I will go to immediately, but bring even more consciousness and intention into it. I’ll just accept falling as a, for the most part, unavoidable part of life, and make the best of it. And then, when I’m ready, I’ll just get up and put one foot in front of the other with my eyes firmly fixed on my goals.

Get up and keep going PART 1

I’ve had a couple of rather crappy experiences the last couple of weeks, that brought me out of balance momentarily. I’ve gotten out of my negative emotional reactions now and feel that it’s time to see what I can learn from it.

This time the straw that broke the camel’s back came in the form of a huge bill from Trafikförsäkringsföreningen, because I made a mistake. This was the latest in a series of financial backlashes that I’ve faced lately and this time it was more than I could bear.

I was going to call Trafikförsäkringsföreningen a government funded maffia organization in this post. I also called them much worse things when I talked to my wife. And I told my wife about many things that I would like to do to those that work for them. But after consideration, I’ve decided that none of these things are expressions of who I want to be.

You can struggle all you want, telling yourself that “I should be above these emotions”. But that only makes things worse. And when you are in a negative emotional state, it feels as if it’s going to go on forever. We know on some level that this is not the case. But at the moment when we’re caught up in our emotions, we don’t have access to this knowledge in any meaningful way. Instead we find ourselves in a quadruple whammy. Our emotions make us unconscious of what exactly is happening within us, since our attention is focused on resisting the emotions and the situation that caused them. All the while, more or less unconscious negative thoughts keep feeding into our negative emotions, while we cause more resistance by telling ourselves that “I shouldn’t feel this way”. And on top of that, it feels like this is the new normal. Like we are going to feel this way forever.

What I did this time, was that I basically said “f*** it!” I usually eat quite healthy and I seldom drink alcohol. But now I bought both beer and junk food. Then I drank the beers and ate the junk food together with my wife, while watching God Bless America and later when I was alone also Hesher, two movies with loads of anger and negativity in them. 

The next day I didn’t feel all that great when I woke up. But after some yoga and meditation things started to clear up.

Through choosing our thoughts we can affect how we feel tremendously PART 2

Seen from the angle described in the last post, I did something with a good intention, there was no indication that what I said caused the recipient to feel any negativity towards me and if it did, it’s not really my problem.

You can probably see how this, that was all taking place inside my head, could have gone in a completely different direction, causing all kinds of negative emotions.

Let’s take this one step further and think of the fact that this whole thing stemmed from a small conversation that I had with a person the day before. Let’s consider that there might be many of these little situations throughout the day, where we have a choice of whether we wish to believe positive or negative things about them. And whether we want to give them a positive or a negative meaning. And that all of this contribute to our over all wellbeing.

Through choosing our thoughts we can affect how we feel tremendously Part 1

This has to do with our beliefs and what meaning we give to things. There is always another possible perspective than the first one that pops into the mind.

One good example was when I started going into thoughts where I started thinking that someone at my job had disliked something I said. I said what I thought in a friendly, thought through manner though and the person didn’t give me any indication that he took it the wrong way. I know that these types of worries also stems from a very light, manageable social phobia. One which is very far from pathological and which decreases as time passes, as long as I become aware of it and challenge it when it arises. As with many things, bringing more consciousness into it automatically begins dissolving it.

So instead I chose to look at it as that I actually did something good, since what I said was actually in defence of another person and I said it in the most non-confrontative way that I could think of, while still maintaining a clear message.

It is you who govern your thoughts, not the other way around

This is a habit. It can be learned. Any behavior starts in the thoughts. The more we observe our thoughts, the more the ability to change the direction of them increases.