The EGO's attack on humility and how it hurts our progress

It seems like I get a slap pretty fast these days, when I start thinking that I’ve risen above petty struggles. When I’m not being honest with myself and others about my shortcomings. And this is the thing: there is no point denying reality. I have dealt with some of my problems. I am no longer afraid of challenges. I’ve dealt with my addictions, except food addiction, and I’ve done it “only” with the help of God. I’ve started to live relatively healthy, which means that I work out, meditate daily, work actively to fix my physical problems and eat mainly healthy food, even if I still frequently overeat. 

Lately, because I’ve truly started to see some improvement in my own life, I’ve started to become more of a positive influence in other people’s lives, a part of me has started to want to project an image of infallibility. This is of course false and inauthentic. But as with so many other behaviors that we engage in, it has happened unconsciously, because I haven’t been vigilant towards myself. 

But the truth is that I still have a poor self-control when it comes to quite a few things. I still get angry and frustrated when too many “bad” things happen at once. I still have financial issues, I have my dark thoughts, judgments, hangups and difficulties in social interactions. Just to name a few things. 

What I am thus beginning to notice, is that every time I start projecting this image of perfection, life smacks me in the face pretty hard. I get hit with one problem after the other. If I handle the first with dignity, another one comes along and so on, until I break down and curse my wretched life and existence itself.

There are of course other harsh lessons baked into these lessons. Usually it has to do with money or lack of self-control. But the overall theme is my unwillingness to be vulnerable and to be perceived as flawed.

A funny thing is that when I’ve opened up more about my issues, other people have reacted with nothing but positivity. In at least one case, the person that I have spoken to has even expressed gratitude over the fact that I’m willing to share the struggles that I’m still facing, even though I have my life much more in order now than just a few years ago. Just because I’m human doesn’t mean that I cannot offer important insights to others. It’s probably the opposite. Humans are messy and complicated. If someone seems to have things figured out, we probably don’t know the whole person. And if we are truly going to help someone else, we need connection. Otherwise we are just egos talking to egos. Again, we are not here to be perfect. We are here to be human. And the need to project an image of perfection does not make us more likable. It makes us less so. 

The need to prove ourselves DESTROYS confidence

If I’m present with myself, I can observe the energy behind what I’m saying. This might sound a little vague, but let me explain. 

As I’m getting more into contact with myself, my confidence grows and with it my speech changes when I interact with other people in different circumstances. I feel that I’m becoming more and more capable of handling the situations that arise in my life and I feel more and more like someone who actually knows what he’s doing. Not just someone that tries to make other believe this. Which has been how I’ve felt in the past. Even if I wouldn’t have admitted this to myself while it was going on. 

But something that has not gone away, which I’ve noticed lately, is my need to prove myself. It was stronger when I lacked real confidence. But it still lingers. When I observe the words that come out of my mouths, some of them are the same types of attempts at making others believe certain things about me. This neither confident nor powerful. It’s certainly not humble. And if I’m really observant, I can feel the energy shift when I go into this mode. Feel how I’m losing the person that I’m speaking to a bit.

What would be a more powerful approach? Well, to simply keep in mind that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. To be clear about my intention and focus on what’s important. To not I attach some importance to how other people view me as a person. Not because I need to prove that I’m intelligent, in control, strong, disciplined etcetera. Because I know that I have a genuinely confident side, which grows stronger and comes out more frequently the more I work on myself. The more challenges that I handle rather than run away from them. And when I act and speak from this side of myself, people tend to respond in a positive manner without me having to think of what impression I want to make. 

Connecting with other people

One of my core wounds, maybe THE core wound, is that I have problems getting really close to other people. It easily becomes just two intellects talking. 

The funny thing is that somewhere in the background, I’ve seen that I have a great capacity to connect with others. If I manage to not get swept up in negativity or take things personally, I’m fairly good at finding good qualities in people and treat them equally. I’ve also noticed that on good days, people like to be in my presence. Which was not the case when I was younger.

What I’ve realized, is that if I want to talk to people so that they actually listen to what I say, I need to connect with them first. The same words will be received completely differently depending on whether or not there is a connection.