Being both okay and not okay at the same time

I’ve been thinking about this idea that we have to learn to love ourselves lately. And I want to make some sense of it. Because in one sense we need to be friends with ourselves. We need to face where we are with as much acceptance as possible. If we just keep castigating ourselves over past mistakes the commentator inside our heads will become an enemy and a tyrant. And we don’t need more of those.

But it’s not good to ignore our flaws either. We in all likelihood need to be a bit harsh with ourselves. Because we have in all likelihood become too comfortable. The modern world does that to most of us. Unless we make conscious choices to not allow it. And the situation in the world today demands that we are everything that we can be. 

I believe that the love that we have for ourselves is the only one that, rightly, cannot be unconditional. This may sound a bit harsh, but I think that it’s only logical. At least if we talk about self-love in the true sense, and not the kind of narcissistic self-love that is often promoted in society today. This is because even though we have an endless capacity for self-deception, we still have potential access to everything inside of us. Everything that motivates our actions. And somewhere we know, even if that knowing never reaches the surface of our consciousness. We know when we are lazy. We know when we avoid confronting our problems. We know when we are selfish. We know when we are trying to manipulate others and the world, so that we get what we want without having to work for it. We know when we are making excuses and rationalization. And we know damned well that we, eventually, are the ones that are going to have to pay for it.

Most of us are not victims of circumstances. For the vast majority of us, the situations that we are in are direct consequences of our choices and actions. And our choices and actions are consequences of how we have take care of our inner lives. And our inner lives are greatly affected by our experiences, even though we have quite a lot of room when it comes to how we respond to our experiences. And our experiences are to a large degree determined by our choices and actions and the situations that they put us in. And so it goes. Around and around. And the wheel either takes us up or down. But it will always keep spinning. Less so if we’re in a stabile situation and don’t feel the need for much change. But even then it spins slowly. Because time always makes it spin no matter what. And even then something may happen that changes its direction and/or causes it to spin faster.

Then we have the situation in the world. It is causing many wheels to spin faster. And will do so even more in the future. 

This doesn’t necessarily have to move us downhill. Because when we’re pushed into a corner we have a choice of either lay down and let whatever is pushing us into the corner eat us. Or we can use every ounce of muscle and intelligence that we’ve got to fight. Thus we either perish or become stronger.

Here is where I am right now. I know where my choices have gotten me. I know that a storm is coming, even if I don’t know exactly when or what it will look like.

I also know that God will love me all the way through the storm. That he will love me when I am unable to. And I know that whatever pain comes in my way, it’s nothing compared to eternity with God. But that is not something that I’m likely to remember when tragedy strikes. 

This is actually quite interesting when you think about it. On the one hand, we have God, that loves us unconditionally and whose love we can never earn. And on the other we have ourselves, whose love we must earn. Both are closer to us than any other person or creature. And in between, we have all kinds of relationships with all kinds of conditionality attached to them. God is closer to us than we are to ourselves. And knows us better than we know ourselves. The second closest person in our lives is ourselves. And this is the person that never can love us unconditionally. Not in a true, healthy sense.

So here is what I’ve figured. As with most things in life, we need to take a step back and bring some consciousness into our self-perception. Most of us are not all that we could be. And we have to be cautious when it comes to the impulse to earn salvation. I mean this both in a literal and metaphorical sense. Our self-worth should never be contingent upon our accomplishments and failures. But we must also never sweep our shortcomings under the rug. If we don’t like everything about ourselves there’s probably a reason for it. If this is the case, it’s healthy to remind ourselves that we are worthy just by being part of the crown of God’s creation. But we also need to take a look at the parts that we don’t like about ourselves. 

Two very important questions to ask ourselves in this context, is: Is it my own standards that I don’t live up to? Or is it other people’s, the world’s or God’s?

We need to be as honest about this as possible and realize that these are huge and deep questions. The answers are, for the most part, far from obvious. We need to think deeply about why the standards matter to us.

Ultimately it’s God’s standards that we need to aim for. In other words, our standards should, as far as possible, be the same as God’s. But these are impossible standards and we are not expected to live up to them.

If, on the other hand, our standards are the world’s or other people’s, we can be more or less certain that they will lead us astray. It’s always a good thing to listen to the perspectives of people that have something valuable to teach us. But we should always do this with God’s will and not theirs in mind. 

So, we need to cultivate a healthy, mature and honest relationship with ourselves. If this is something that we find worthwhile, there are two crucial questions that we need to ask ourselves: Are we doing our best to live up to God’s standards? Can we accept and forgive ourselves when we inevitably fail to do so?

Opening my heart and accepting everything

I can feel that a radical shift is happening within me. It’s been going on for quite some time now. But I still have a lot that I need to let go of. Because this is what it’s about: letting go. Letting go of wanting other people to change. Letting go of wanting reality to be something other than what it is. Letting go of vindictiveness, resentment, judgment, victim mentality and in general all of my lower emotions. 

I’ve realized just how much I’ve weighed myself down with all of the mental and emotional junk that I’m carrying around. 

So, what is at the core of the inability to let go? It’s attachment. Attachment to the need for things to be a certain way. Attachment to certain outcomes. I fall back into this attachment over and over again. I know that shouting at the world will not help one bit. And yet I’m there, over and over again. But I feel that I’m letting go more and more. I think that the best way of going about this, is to, as much as possible, accept where I am and not judge what I have not yet been able to let go of. Accept and bring as much awareness into it as possible. Because when I resist my issues they persist. When I feel the most connected with God, I only get the feeling that everything is okay. That I am where I’m supposed to be. 

This does not mean that my choices don’t matter. And definitely not that I shouldn't take action when it's appropriate. It's more or less the opposite. It's about taking exactly the choices and actions that I deem appropriate, regardless of the results that they may or may not lead to.

Einstein and the beggar

Einstein was no more valuable than any simple beggar. We are all eternal souls, equal in the eyes of God. It’s just our egos and their erroneous judgments that say differently. In the end, we hurt ourselves the most by believing these falsities, since they ALL contribute to making us blind to the truth of what actually is. That we are all one, all beloved children of God and that we are all equally loved by God. Separation hurts all. But the one it hurts the most, is the one that keeps it up by judging.

Smile

    Ramana Maharshi                                                    Ram Dass

I’ve noticed that many spiritual teachers have this peculiar way of smiling. It’s a smile that not just shows, but radiates peace, joy, contentment, liberation and a love for life. I’m talking of for example Ramana Maharshi and Ram Dass.

You may scoff at these people, saying that all they have accomplished, is to turn a blind eye to the harshness, coldness and meaninglessness of reality. 

I believe that the truth is just the opposite. That these people have seen through the suffering that, on the surface, seems to be an inevitable part of the human condition, if not today, then tomorrow. I believe that the key here, is to see that there is a difference between pain and suffering.

Ram Dass spent the last twenty years of his life with the right side of his body paralyzed and his speech impaired after a stroke. And yet, he seemed happier than ever. Because the life that he had lived prior to the stroke, had taught him to separate the actual situation from his reaction/response to it. To him, the stroke was just another reason not to identify with the body and mind. 

I usually don’t smile the way that these people smiled. If I became partially paralyzed, I would probably be devastated. Because I am not able to see life with nearly as much clarity as Maharshi or Ram Dass. But I’ve had my moments when I’ve felt this same smile in my face. This would, without exception, be the short moments when I’ve felt really close to God. At these moments, I’ve enjoyed every breath with gratitude for just being alive. I’ve felt unconditional love for everyone that I’ve interacted with and for humanity and the whole of creation. 

At these moments, I’ve felt first that I would always stay in that same state. Because it would be insane to want to go back to where I was before. Then I’ve started to fear losing what I’ve found. Then the grasping and holding on have followed. And inevitably, I’ve found myself back in my “normal” reality with its petty worries, concerns and annoyances. 

But just knowing that there is another state available, one that is independent of my every-day experiences, infinitely more real than the physical reality, takes the edge off of my pain. It seems a little less real every day. Even if I still get caught up in my negative emotions frequently, there is more distance to them. When the storms come, there is a part of me that just observes them. They become less and less intense. They last shorter and shorter periods. Over time, I become less and less attached to my external circumstances. I smile in joy, peace and gratitude for the wonderful gift that life is a little more often.

Are we just smart animals?

I’ve pondered the significance of the teachings of Jesus a bit lately. I think that most would recognize that Jesus has had a huge impact on mainly the Western civilization. But it is an impact that has stretched far beyond it. But how huge this impact really was and still is, took some reading to realize.

One thing that struck me just now, is that Jesus’ radical love message in a sense calls us to leave our animal nature behind. The animal world is governed by survival of the fittest, dominance, ruthlessness and gratification of urges. In short: it is governed by instincts. The majority culture of the society that Jesus lived and taught in was governed by such values.

I think that most could also agree, that if everyone at least attempted to live as Jesus taught, no matter how faulty they were in this pursuit, the world would probably be a paradise. Even if all of us were miserable creatures, with extremely low self-control, we could still create paradise on earth, if everyone made a sincere effort to follow Jesus.

So, what Jesus taught was something that run contrary to our nature, but that has the potential of creating a world that we actually want to live in. Something that actually struck a chord with so many people, that he shaped our civilization more than any other historical figure. In spite of it going against our animal nature.

I think that is worth thinking about.

It seems to me, that if we follow our animal nature, we do what comes natural. But we end up creating chaos for ourselves and others on a personal level. And the more people that act like animals, the worse our societies become.

I think that this also is worth thinking about.

A breaking point

I’ve touched upon the experience that I’m about to describe many times before. But then it has scared me. It felt as if I was going to dissolve. Or that something else was going to happen. But this time, I decided to let go of the fear, trust and embrace.

What I felt was the unity that I share with God and all of his creation. All is one and all is love. And yet, this is not a oneness that threatens our individuality. It is impossible to adequately put this into words, but I am going to try. It was as if everything fell into place in this one single moment. As if the whole world had led me to this somehow. That every little detail of the event was planned beforehand. The love and unity that I experienced was beyond thoughts and identity. Beyond the body. Without beginning or end. And yet, I was very much still in my body. I was very much me. Just so much more. It was an experience of so much love, that I just couldn’t take it. I wanted so badly to stay in that love. But I couldn't. It was over in a matter of seconds and then I was back to normal.

In other words, I’ve reached a breaking point on my journey. I’ve written a couple of blog posts that have a bit of fear in them. I won’t delete them, because my blogging has in many ways been a way for me to document my journey. And it’s not as if these posts are untrue. They are just written from a limited perspective.

But truly, I know now that there is nothing to fear. All will be well. God is love and God loves us infinitely and forever. God will never truly force anything upon us, even though from our finite perspectives, we cannot see how this can be so. But when we spend eternity with God and those that we love, not limited by what is currently holding us back in this finite existence, we will know that it is so. All will be well. Now that I’m starting to come out of my darkness for real, I know this. All will be well. This is what I am here to do. To tell as many as possible that all will be well. 

All will be well

Lately I’ve been experiencing strange and wonderful things. I have touched upon the oneness and unity that I share with God and all of his creation. Afterwards, the same words that were revealed to the mystic Julian of Norwich kept echoing in my mind: “All will be well.” I shiver in delight just thinking of these words. All will be well.

Here is what I know when I don’t let my own, personal fears distort my experience: There is nothing to fear. We are all beloved children of God. Even those that do terrible things. Our only purpose is to love, be loved and express love. All will be well.

Inner peace is always possible here and now. We can always walk with God in peace, by bringing presence and awareness to our experience in this moment and allow God to permeate it, and by letting go of everything within ourselves that is based on fear. It is really as simple as a choice between love and fear. The difficulty lies not in the choice itself, but in seeing through all of the insanity that the world has taught us is normal.

If we observe our speech and behaviors carefully, we can see that they all stem from either love or fear. We already walk with God in every precious moment. Most of us without knowing it. It’s possible to feel God’s presence and turn life into an intimate communication with him. It is just a matter of what we pay attention to. The scary things that go on on the outside, or his loving embrace on the inside. If we choose to walk with God, we can create heaven on earth right here and now. We choose how dark it gets before the dawn. But the metaphorical dawn is coming, just as certainly as the one that comes every morning. All will be well. 

Letting go and choosing love

We are not our thoughts. Our thoughts are not reality. Our thoughts are not right. 

But what does this really mean? Well, basically that we can step back and choose what makes us most happy and what we care about. We don’t need to be attached to anything in the world. We can choose to be attached if we want to. And I’m not sure that it’s always a bad thing, as long as we remember that we can let go of the attachment any time that we want to. Maybe most of the meanings that we give to things are just illusory. Maybe we are just love and have the possibility of always choose love. Love for ourselves and for each other. What would it mean to always choose love, unconditionally, for ourselves and each other? Can we really imagine such a thing? If we tried, what actions would we take? How would we treat others? What would we say? Both when it comes to how we talk to others, and how we talk to ourselves. Because we do talk to ourselves. What would it really feel like to always choose love? What would we, to the best of our ability, think of other people? Of ourselves? What would our lives look like?

In short, what would it mean if we let go of all the thoughts that doesn’t serve love? If we did our best to not believe in them. What would it mean to take the question of always choosing love seriously?