Ultimately I think that this is an issue of trusting God. Of believing that even though God has allowed me to mess up so many things, he still has a purpose for everything. Of believing that he can take my brokenness and turn it into something good. Of being content with not knowing what this good is or when it will happen.
I’ve never felt entirely comfortable in my own skin. And I’m often not okay with being me. I beat myself up for past mistakes. Most of all, I’m mad at myself for the mess that my past self has left for my present self to clean up.
It feels strange to know quite a lot about psychology and spirituality and yet feel that I have so little control over myself and my life. I can see more or less exactly where my problems lie, but I seem unable to do much about them.
Then I see all of these spiritual teachers that seem to have everything figured out. But I’m truly starting to think that it’s just surface. Marketing strategy. Because people are messy and complicated. It seems to be part of what it means to be human. And when some spiritual teacher displays his or her perfect life and tells me how easy it is to build such a life, it does not inspire me. It makes me feel inadequate. Because when I’ve tried these supposedly easy solutions to life’s problems, I’ve failed over and over again. I do feel that I’ve grown a lot as a person the last few years. And I’ve cleaned up my act quite a bit. It’s true that we do have a fair bit of control when it comes to how we treat ourselves and everyone and everything that are in our lives.
But I’m I also still struggling on many levels. And there are only a handful of all of the teachings that I feel have actually contributed to my growth. This while many instead have made me more confused.
One of the people that has had most positive impact on me is Jordan Peterson. He most definitely doesn’t talk about how easy everything it supposed to be. Instead he talks about how life is hard and full of tragedy, but also that we have much more capacity inside ourselves to handle the human condition than we think. That how well we handle life’s storms depends on what kind of character we’ve built. This message, coupled with some truly useful advise, is one that I can get behind.
What I want to say with this, is that many teachings seem to give us unrealistic expectations in life. Instead of being happy with whatever God lays in our path, we instead wonder why things aren’t better. And we feel bad because things don’t flow as smoothly as promised. We feel that there must be something wrong with us.
What you should know is that if you’re not living the dream, as the YouTubers that you are following, that’s okay. Most of us don’t. Most of us can’t earn a living doing what we’re passionate about. And many struggle to make our everyday lives work. And that has to be okay. God loves us and has a plan for us anyway.
And here’s the thing: The best people among us, those that do much more than just talk, don’t seem to be problem free people. There is only one perfect person in the whole Bible. Everyone else are different degrees of broken. And I’m beginning to think that those that present themselves as perfect are selling us a lie.
On the other hand, a wise person recently told me that the fruits of the spirit have the quality of fruits. Which means that they have to be watered, nourished and be given time to grow and ripen. So I guess that there might be a point down the line where I feel more confident and put together. But when a bunch of twenty-somethings come out and say that they more or less have figured life out, I believe that it should be viewed with suspicion. And I think that anyone that makes similar claims should display the utmost humility and love in everything they say and do. Because if there is something that I strongly believe, is that the degree to which we’ve figured things out, is directly proportional to the size of our egos.
What I want to get to with this rather lengthy discussion, is the simple idea that one of the most important things we have to learn, is to work with what we’ve got. Learn to stop wishing for things to be different. Or wait till life is different, makes more sense and we have our acts together before we can live and do what we feel called to do. We have to do so even if we have to stumble around in darkness, no matter how long it has to take.
Because God is calling right now. Not when we feel ready, but when God says that it’s time. And all that we can do is trust. Through the insecurities, doubts, struggles and feelings of hopelessness, God tells us to trust. Even though we feel broken, lost, confused and friends fail us, God reaches out his hand and tells us to trust. Promises us to use even our brokenness for good. Promises that there is a meaning to everything, even if we can’t see it. And the journey must begin with saying yes to life as it is, right here and now. No matter how hard it seems.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
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