What is "self-talk"? Part 3

In relation to a certain situation recently, I caught myself saying to myself that I was basically a selfish, immoral idiot, with a behavior that was utterly transparent to anyone but myself. But then I realized that I knew nothing of what other people saw in my behavior, that if I wasn’t transparent to myself, it’s not certain that I am to other, that I didn’t take the issue at hand lightly and that I, admittedly hesitating, had actually chosen something good. 

If you look carefully at the former paragraph, you will see that not only are there two completely different perspectives in it. But they are also equally true, apart from the part of what others perceive and think. And what others perceive and think I can know nothing about unless I ask them. But if I stick with only the first perspective, while ignoring the second, it is very likely that it will make me like myself less. 

What is "self-talk"? Part 2

I believe all people are more or less conscious of their self-talk all of their lives. But it was not until I got the aha-moment that lead to this blog post, that I started thinking of what it actually is, and how to separate it from the other thoughts that go on inside my head. 

Basically, the thoughts that place a value judgment on what I do and who I am can be labelled “self-talk”. At its most basic form, self-talk is about judging what I do, say and who I am as good or bad. It entails whether I show compassion or condemnation when I make mistakes. And whether I let successes boost my authentic confidence or whether I let them blow up my ego. 

What is "self-talk"? Part 1

This is a post about that little monologue that goes on constantly in our heads and how there are different aspect of it. One of these aspects is the way we talk to ourselves.

I’ve been familiar with the term “self-talk” for quite some time. I can’t really remember if I first heard it two or twenty years ago though. As with so many other terms, it does mean something that is worth reflecting on, because it can enrich our lives. But until now, I haven’t done so.

Will this benefit me? Part 3

This can also be applied to other areas of my life. Wanting to get things done, I keep bashing my head against the wall, even if I’m worn out. This leads to me doing things ineffective and sooner or later I crash. What if I instead of doing this, simply rest when I need to rest and take care of the stuff that I need to do when I’m well rested and can do them effectively?

Will this benefit me? Part 2

I think that some clarification is in order. What I don’t mean by this, is that I should just force myself to comply with a rigid life where I only do things that are good for me. Anyone can come up with such a plan, but few will be able to follow it. What I’m talking about is to arrange my life consciously, so that I have a plan that works and that I want to follow. 

Will this benefit me? Part 1

Here comes three little posts about how to make life easier. 

I’m a big movie fan. But besides watching movies because I like them, I also use them to relax. But now and then, quite frequently actually, things end up taking more time than I’ve planned. But when the evening comes, I’m dead set on watching the movie that I’ve planned seeing, even if I know that I need to go to bed, because I have to get up early the next day. So I watch the movie anyway, sleep too little and end up causing more stress, instead of relieving stress, which is one of the primary purposes of watching the movie. So, what if I, instead of doing this, save the movie for later? It could even be a nice, unplanned treat that I give to myself some other day, instead of doing some boring chore that I’ve scheduled, as long as it’s a chore that I can postpone.

When God answers and we keep on asking

A while back I asked God about a private matter. I received a pretty clear answer and yet I kept on asking. I honestly didn’t consciously forget about the answer. But since I wasn’t pleased with it, I was probably not that keen on remembering either. 

Now I’m going to do my best to remember God’s answer and live by it till God gives me a reason to do otherwise. Unless I forget the answer again.

I tend to lose the original question when I talk sometimes

I guess this happens from time to time for everyone and that next to no one is unaware of it. But I think that it deserves some conscious thought. I think that this goes for all things that everyone does in communication for that by the way. And the thing is, that the last time it happened, I sort of went into a lecture about things that I knew and my thoughts about it, rather than what the people I was speaking to actually wanted to know. Luckily, it was a pretty interesting subject that I happen to know a few things about. So I don’t think that I bored them or anything. But still…

Wanting to be someone in the eyes of others

I’ve been a very confused person throughout my life. I think most people are pretty confused. I’m still pretty confused when it comes to many things. But I’m starting to see through at least some of my confusion.

So here comes a funny example of my past confusion. I used to care about no one except myself. I was proud of this. And at the same time, I didn’t care who I was either. I only cared who I was in the eyes of others. This was, on the other hand, not something that I was particularly proud of. In fact, I was so not proud of it, that I didn’t even admit it to myself. As a matter of fact, I often stated that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me, because it mattered a great deal to me that everyone knew that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. 

The truth is that I wanted to create an image of myself in the eyes of others. I often caught myself fantasizing about what other people thought of me. I still do sometimes. But not as often and I usually become aware of those thoughts nowadays, name them and banish them (could demons be metaphors for unwanted thoughts? They sure seem to work in very similar ways).

I think that this way of functioning points towards low self-esteem. Another thing that I didn’t give much thought until later in life, only to, when I finally started looking at it, discover that I had almost none of. In fact, it’s first now, that I’m nearing 40, that I’m starting to feel capable. That I can somewhat rely on myself and my abilities. I did however make some moves towards not feeling completely worthless when I got my drivers licence at 23, and when I started working out and went to the university at 26. 

But I’ve still, to a large degree, been more pre-occupied with who others think that I am, than with who I actually am. When I became aware of it, I knew it had to stop. But my twisted reasoning, which I think is quite common, went something like this: If I can just convince others that I am a certain way, I become this.

What I’ve come to realize, is that there is great freedom in not caring what other people think. But it’s a freedom that is not easily acquired. I’m still not free from it. But I’m more free than I was when I claimed that I didn’t care at all. And today I attach much more significance to how I view myself and who I actually am, than I did back then, when my main goal was to impress others.

Taking steps in the right direction

I just realized that there are these little steps, that are not that difficult to take, that we can take every day, that are so small, that I fail to recognize them as steps. When I try to do everything at once, I inevitably fail, because the burden becomes to heavy. In many areas, I’ve been standing still for many years, trying to bang my head against the wall, punishing myself into “better” behavior and beating myself up because I’m not able to live up to my own standards. 

What I could have done instead, is take micro steps in my day to day life. If I would have done so, my growth would have probably involved much less pain, and I would in all likelihood have gotten much further, since I wouldn’t have had constant failures to deal with.

If I can choose sweets with less sugar and more nutrition, that’s a step in the right direction. If I can eat popcorn, or even just snacks with a little more protein in them, instead of potato chips, it’s a step in the right direction. If I can watch a movie that will give me a new perspective, or even just one that makes me happy, instead of just offering mindless entertainment, it’s a step in the right direction. 

I think that I’m going to give the concept of “baby-steps” a serious go!

Badmouthing part 3

I have also noticed that when I’ve said something bad about someone, I feel uncomfortable in their presence. I feel like a phony when I sit there and pretend that there is nothing wrong. I didn’t use to feel this way. Probably because I saw no problem with badmouthing people and therefore pushed down any discomfort that I experienced in their presence. A question that naturally arises is: Was the discomfort always there, but I just didn’t see it? Or did it arise when I changed my perspective? I’ve started to realize that there are so many things going on inside, that I’m not consciously aware of.

Badmouthing part 2

I also wish to take this one step further. You see, I don’t just walk around badmouthing people randomly. There are certain things that trigger me. Two that I can think of right now, since I have fresh examples of them, is laziness and decisions with no regard for the consequences. When it comes to these decisions, it’s especially true when I have to help cleaning up the mess. I think that this has something to do with the fact that I used to be lazy and make such decisions, which has caused the problems that I currently have. So, as usual, my negativity can be traced back to me. 

Badmouthing part 1

I’ve caught myself badmouthing people a couple of times lately. Not in any severe way, not about something that wasn’t true, not about something that doesn’t affect me and not without the hope of things changing. And it happens less and less frequently. But still… I wish to live a life of love, acceptance and free of judgment. So this habit (I would still call it a habit, since it happens now and then and I’m not in full control of it) has to go. 

Resisting and holding on part 2

I don’t believe that this is part of the human condition. But I believe that many people, most of the time unconsciously, assume that it is. But why is it that we give some things a try, fail and conclude that it’s impossible, while we try other things, fail and practice for years? Why do we, specifically, often assume that we cannot unlearn the ways that we function and/or relate to our inner lives? I might not be able to make myself believe anything. But I know that I can challenge my thoughts. I know that one person shrugs his or her shoulders at a harsh situation, while another lets it ruin the day and perhaps even ruminates over it for a week. Considering that we do enjoy a certain degree of freedom when it comes to our thoughts, are these two, very different, ways of responding written in stone? Are they just unalterable parts of an inborn character? Or could we, depending on how we treat our inner lives, learn to respond differently to life? If we experience more suffering than we would like, would it be worth the effort to train ourselves to respond differently?

Resisting and holding on part 1

These are, according to the Buddha, at the core of suffering. We resist what is and hold on to different things and persons in our lives. And so we cause ourselves to experience negative emotions. Is this just part of the human condition?

About the movie Assassination Nation, PART 2

What I did find interesting about the movie, was what it said about internet culture. In the movie, there is a political scandal that goes viral. Now, I’m no fan of politicians and had it been just five years ago, I might have contributed to spreading such a scandal, had the opportunity arisen. This made me think of how we treat those that we, for one reason or another, consider "wrongdoers", if we are given the opportunity. The internet makes this very easy sometimes, as we many times just have to make a few mouse clicks, or tap our smartphone a couple of times. 

First, we don't know what motivates a politician to act a certain way. I can honestly say that I believe that there are very few politicians that aren't bought by corporations. But I don't know this. I don't believe that we should ever hurt anyone unless we do it to defend ourselves or someone else. But it's especially bad if we do it because of something we believe, and not because of something that we know.

I’ve also made a 180 when it comes to my beliefs about what media I consume. I used to believe that we can watch basically anything without it affecting us. Now I believe that every little sense impression affects us in some way. So, looking at it from this perspective, what does the unlimited access to online pornography do to us? This is one of the more interesting questions that the movie raises. 

I used to believe that we don’t have to worry that much about online culture in general. That the concerns people raised were just politically correct nonsense from people that should grow thicker skin. Now I’m not so sure. People do worse things in groups and when there is no accountability, since they are anonymous. And in the end, I don’t think that it’s political extremism we have to worry about, but who we turn into as humans.

Because I know that I at least, would not want to become on the one hand filled with anger, hate and a sense of victimhood, looking at anyone I disagree with as an enemy, and on the other hand desperate for attention and validation, only showing others my best sides and hiding the rest. 

I think that the world is on its way towards something amazing, as more and more people are waking up spiritually. But I believe that many of us, myself included, need to take a serious look at what our online activities are doing to us. This, I believe, is the important point that Assassination Nation makes.

About the movie Assassination Nation, part 1

Here comes some more commentary on social commentary. 

I want to begin by saying that I think that it’s important that we listen to each other’s experiences. Because ultimately, reality consists of nothing but subjective experiences. 

While I believe the movie was way too one-sided, politically correct and had an, admittedly intentionally, implausible story, I found it interesting in several ways. 

The story is about four teenage girls living in Salem (an obvious reference to witch hunts), where one of them gets accused of spreading half the community’s complete online data, sparing no juicy detail. This leads to the whole community wanting to kill them. 

I want to say something about the political correctness first. Because I’ve come to believe that we’ve allowed a society that is for neither common men, nor common women to emerge. And instead of listening to each other’s problems and trying to understand, it’s common that we trumpet our own victimhood, while belittling the victimhood of those that don’t belong to our group. The movie does not contribute anything meaningful here. It’s the same old “women and minorities are victims, while the problems of white men are only in their heads, created by themselves, or by the system that they are part of and benefitting from.” 

So, as I said in the beginning, I think that it’s important that we listen to each other’s experiences. Because ultimately, reality consists of nothing but subjective experiences. And I want to become better at listening to other people’s experiences. Even those that are not interested in hearing about mine. I think that this is where we have to start if we want others to listen to us. Because each of us have very limited information and understanding about the world, so our perspective on it is bound to be flawed. 

Cleaning up my mess

Going through a spiritual awakening, I realize that whatever mess one has created while being unconscious, both inside and outside, but mainly inside, has to be cleaned up. All of it! No one will do it for me. And in my case, it’s a pretty big mess. Everything from a lousy spine due to bad posture and a body full of tensions due to suppressed emotions, to money issues, to habits such as being annoyed by little things, being cheap or talking too much. All of it!

The inner resistance part 4

So, I’ve been re-reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now recently. And he talks about the same thing as I’m talking about here. Only that I didn’t know this the last time I read it, because I hadn’t gotten into contact with my inner resistance back then. It’s always cool when you get a confirmation that what you’re experiencing is real. Especially when, if the endgoal is true as well, it’s going to lead to something amazing. In this case real, true, lasting, inner peace.

The inner resistance part 3

The thing is, that when I’m not in this state of resistance towards what is, my body movements become more slowing and precise. I feel confident, energized, present and everything seems to almost work itself out. 

Being present is a key here. I can always trace the beginning of inner resistance to a loss of presence and the activation of automatic thoughts. Suddenly I’m in my head, thinking of how I wish that the situation I’m in would be different. Maybe I’m trying to think my way out of a situation that I cannot get out of. Or I think of other choices that I could have made. Or I wish that other people would act differently.

The inner resistance part 2

I’m pretty sure that this is what the Buddha talked about when he pinpointed resistance and attachment at the basis of the roots of suffering. But I didn’t know that it was something that could be felt so physically. Because it can. 

I feel tension inside my head, both around my pineal glad and in different other areas. When I feel anger for example, i feel my jaws clench and tense up. I also feel tension in my body. I mostly tense up around my chest and solar plexus, but this can happen throughout the body. It is very much an inner resistance towards being itself.

The inner resistance part 1

I feel like it’s time to put it all to rest. What do I mean by this? I mean that it’s time to let go of this inner resistance that I feel more and more clearly day by day. 

I feel how I tense up when something in my reality that I don’t like appears in my reality. Even though I know it’s fruitless, I can’t help but resisting it on the inside.

We only have access to our own minds

This is obvious. Yet, how often do we think of what this means? This means that I only have access to what is going on inside myself. I only know what my senses and my interpretations of my sense-data tell me. I also know nothing about what goes on inside other people. It is of course possible to make more or less educated guesses. But even if I guess someone’s intentions correctly, I still don’t know the person’s motives, reasons or how conscious the person is of his or her behavior. I often don’t even know this when it comes to myself. But unlike with other people, when it comes to me, it is possible for me to know for certain whether I’m going against my conscience or not. Whether I do what I know is right or whether I do what I know is wrong. And to me at least, it’s perfectly clear that there are such things as right and wrong. You don’t lie, cheat, steal or do anything else that is deceitful. And I know that you’re supposed to “turn the other cheek”, both literally or metaphorically. But I don’t always manage to do so. I will from now on try my best to do so though. But I will falter.

This “turning the other cheek” principle of course also implies that you don’t attack other people. But if we go into the metaphorical realm, it’s not always obvious what is an attack. I believe that I attack others. I attack when I hold a grudge, because it will manifest itself somehow in my behavior unless I let go of it. I attack when I plan how I’m going to tell someone off. I of couse attack if I actually go ahead and do it.

But someone else might have a totally different, equally valid view of the world. If my belief is correct, that God made the human condition in some way fundamentally the same, I might doubt that someone truly and honestly could come to the conclusion that it is right to treat others in a way that they don’t want to be treated, unless it is to stop them from doing so to someone else. But I cannot know this. The only thing that I can know for sure, is that I know this in my heart. And this goes for many other things, whose wrongness were less obviously recognizable to me. Again, I can only tell what is wrong for me and not for anyone else. I suspect that I share this sense of what is right and wrong in my heart with other people. I also suspect that I share a clouded vision that hinders me from seeing what is right and wrong clearly. Finally, I suspect that we possess visions with different degrees of clarity, that are dependent upon such factors as our ability to observe ourselves honestly and the amount of baggage that we carry with us that we haven’t dealt with.

But I don’t know. I’m not here to judge. The only thing that I know for sure, is that none of us have access to the content of anyone else’s minds but their own, unless they genuinely are mind readers. Some may be. I only know that I’m not one. 

So, if I know that I’m not a mind reader, the simple conclusion that I can draw, knowing the God exists, loves me, cares for me and has everything under control, is that I need to stop looking at what others do. Completely. And instead, I need to focus on what I do. Why I do it. How it affects other people and what it says about me as a person. Stuff like that.

What is sin?

The concept of sin comes from the greek word “hamartia”, which means “to err” or “miss the mark”. 

Now, I don’t claim to be an authority on sin (I do have a lot of first-hand experience of it though… ;)). So maybe I’m completely wrong here. But I do believe that this original meaning can tell us something that has gotten lost. And I’m not alone in this. Several teachers that go beyond traditional interpretations of the Bible have pointed this out.

Looking at the original meaning, sin seems to imply a failure to do something correctly, rather than an act of evil. And if we look at how life seems to function, I believe this way of looking at sin to be correct.

You see, from my own experience, I’ve come to believe that we always act from a place where we believe that our actions are “right”, in some sense. Even if we don’t believe that there are such things as right, wrong, good or evil, we still in a sense believe that what we do is right. Or, at least not wrong. Since we don’t believe in such a thing as right or wrong. 

Is it possible to downright do something that we know is wrong, without having some justification for our actions? Sure. But those that do it are a very small minority. And they become even fewer when you take away mentally disturbed people. 

So, the complete nihilist might feel somewhere in his or her heart that some actions are wrong. I used to be a nihilist and I can for sure say that I could feel that many of my actions were wrong. But because of my belief-system, I managed to shut my eyes to these feelings. This does not mean that I’m not responsible for my actions. It’s not an excuse. But it is an explanation. An explanation that I believe is sufficient for me not to be considered evil. Corrupt maybe. Nihilism is for sure a corrupt belief-system. Had I persevered in my nihilism, I might even have become so corrupt that I became completely deaf to my conscience. Fortunately, this is something that I will never know.

The more I analyze my actions and other people’s actions, the firmer I become in my belief that most of us are a pretty confused bunch. We don’t really understand why we do what we do, or how it affects us or other people. On top of that, we live in a very confusing world, where we are bombarded with different messages on how to think, feel and act, together with different types of appeals to our lower natures. And let’s not forget that the values (here in the West, that would be Christian values), for good and bad, that we’ve considered as facts for almost two millennia, are being questioned, with no new “truth” about right and wrong to replace them. 

So if you believe in the idea that God hates the sin but not the sinner, how could it make sense that God would judge the sinner? Isn’t sin, logically, a product of wrongful thinking that, logically, cannot be the fault of the sinner? Doesn’t the sinner engage in wrongful thinking because he or she is broken and confused and not because he or she wants to do bad things? 

Getting into the habit of dealing with our problems right away

Just like with so many things on my blog, this one is another “stating the obvious” post. But this is such an important habit to cultivate, and yet, most people don’t do it. And often, I think, it is because we don’t think about it. We need reminders of not habitually postponing everything. So, here comes a reminder.

This habit will transform us. It builds confidence in our ability to handle things. It makes us more and more into action takers. We will learn that our resistance mostly is in our heads. That things aren’t so bad once we just do them. Our problems won’t pile up and overwhelm us. Instead, we get this nice, comfortable feeling of forward motion and being in control of our lives.

And we will have to deal with the problems sooner or later anyway. And you don’t have to be perfect at this habit immediately. Just set the intention and strive for it and it will come eventually.

Observe and allow. Part 2

The more I am in the now and the more awareness I can direct at the present moment, the more smoothly everything flows. And as soon as I’m back in my head, thinking about the past or the future, I feel resistance and I mess things up. The funny thing is that when I lose focus, I notice how my brain tries to convince me that I’ve been present the whole time.

Observe and allow part 1

I am more and more starting to find this state within myself, where I can just be present and observe what happens. When I’m in a flow state, where I can just observe my body as it moves and breathes. This attentive state lets me respond in an appropriate manner to what is going on at the moment. I just need to allow what is going on and my body somehow knows how to act. 

I talk too much. Part 6

There is an automatic way of functioning in this. I talked about speech patterns in an earlier part of the series. I’m triggered to speak this way by topics that interest me. I often do feel that I have something to say that might be beneficial to someone else in some way. But there is also often a component of feeling a need to impress others with my knowledge on a topic. Or I want to make myself understood in one way or another. As I said, these patterns are triggered automatically. It might be because I have a hard time being fully present in conversations. Maybe being present in conversations is what I have to practice first and foremost?

I talk too much. Part 5

When I engage in unconscious talking, judgments of other people often creep in as well. And yeah, I know “the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”. I know that. And I know that I judge people in my thoughts. But it’s even harder to control one’s thoughts than one’s words. So if I hope to stop judging people in my mind, a good first step ought to be to stop doing it in my words. When I’m not guarding my mouth and someone that I for one reason or another hold a judgment over becomes the topic of conversation, I find myself saying things that I promised myself that I would never say about someone. Having formulated this clearly for myself, I hope that I will be able to change it.