Wanting to be someone in the eyes of others

I’ve been a very confused person throughout my life. I think most people are pretty confused. I’m still pretty confused when it comes to many things. But I’m starting to see through at least some of my confusion.

So here comes a funny example of my past confusion. I used to care about no one except myself. I was proud of this. And at the same time, I didn’t care who I was either. I only cared who I was in the eyes of others. This was, on the other hand, not something that I was particularly proud of. In fact, I was so not proud of it, that I didn’t even admit it to myself. As a matter of fact, I often stated that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me, because it mattered a great deal to me that everyone knew that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. 

The truth is that I wanted to create an image of myself in the eyes of others. I often caught myself fantasizing about what other people thought of me. I still do sometimes. But not as often and I usually become aware of those thoughts nowadays, name them and banish them (could demons be metaphors for unwanted thoughts? They sure seem to work in very similar ways).

I think that this way of functioning points towards low self-esteem. Another thing that I didn’t give much thought until later in life, only to, when I finally started looking at it, discover that I had almost none of. In fact, it’s first now, that I’m nearing 40, that I’m starting to feel capable. That I can somewhat rely on myself and my abilities. I did however make some moves towards not feeling completely worthless when I got my drivers licence at 23, and when I started working out and went to the university at 26. 

But I’ve still, to a large degree, been more pre-occupied with who others think that I am, than with who I actually am. When I became aware of it, I knew it had to stop. But my twisted reasoning, which I think is quite common, went something like this: If I can just convince others that I am a certain way, I become this.

What I’ve come to realize, is that there is great freedom in not caring what other people think. But it’s a freedom that is not easily acquired. I’m still not free from it. But I’m more free than I was when I claimed that I didn’t care at all. And today I attach much more significance to how I view myself and who I actually am, than I did back then, when my main goal was to impress others.