Humility part 3

I’ve come to realise that when I puff myself up, failure feels much more painful. When my pride is hurt, my ego is hurt and I feel shame. I feel that I should be better, when I in fact should be exactly who I am - a beloved child of God that never has to prove anything to anyone. 

Humility part 2

You may ask what is wrong with taking pride in our accomplishments. First, there is nothing wrong with it. At least not in a demonstrable, objective way. There may not be anything wrong with anything at all for that matter. But what I’ve come to realise, is that everything we do, especially when it comes to habitual patterns, affects us. It affects our character. This can be both a good and a bad thing, depending on how we approach it.

Humility part 1

We often talk of humility as an important virtue. But I believe humility is one of the trickiest virtues to acquire. When I look at my own inner life and try to be as honest as I can, I find how boastfulness, pride and other traits often sneak into my conversations with people. I talk a little too much about going to the gym and staying in shape. I catch myself wanting to sound smart and educated when I talk about certain topics to people. Even when I admit my lack of humility to others, there is a part of me that seems to say: “Look at me! Look how humble I am for admitting my shortcomings.”

Taking time to think

I’m not the first one in the world to notice that we distract ourselves a lot these days. 

Do our thoughts shape our lives? Does how we treat our thoughts affect what and how we think?

I know that I could be a lot better at this myself. I may not sit with my phone a lot. But I almost always listen to some audiobook or YouTuber when I do things. I work, read or watch movies when I’m at home. The only times I really just sit or lie down and think is when I’m tired and feel that I need to rest for a while. And quite often, as now for example, interesting thoughts come to me. Many, as the one that led to this post, are not ground breaking. But they usually expand my perspective a little in some small ways, if I don’t just let them pass me by, but think a little about them and what they mean to me and my life.

Refusing cynicism

It’s very easy to become cynical in the world. It’s easy to think that everyone is just out to serve themselves and that authenticity drowns in the hunt for profit. It’s especially easy to think this of public figures. But what do we really know? Sure, sometimes we do know. But when we, if we're being truly honest with ourselves about what we can know for sure, conclude that we truly don't know, isn’t it better to assume good, honest, authentic intentions, when we really have nothing to base our judgment on? Isn’t this ultimately a question about whether we believe the world and other people to be fundamentally good or bad? And isn’t this ultimately a question about what we truly believe about ourselves? Maybe it is even a question of what we believe about God.

My going back and forth

There is a lot of going back and forth in my head right now. On the one hand, there is the calling to Christ that I feel so strongly. On the other hand, there are all of these experiences that I have, that in spiritual circles refer to what is called “The Ascension Process”. I think that I need to talk about this with as clear words as possible. I don’t want to talk about my spiritual experiences, as I believe that they are personal and that I at most should talk about them with my family and closest friends. Maybe not even them. I’ve found that talking about them mainly serves to blow up my ego.

But basically, I’m starting to realise that I’m this whole different other person, from the one that I thought that I was. 

It seems to be my lot in life to walk in uncertainty. I know several people that claim to remember past lives (there are also arguments for reincarnation being spoken about in The Bible, so this does to necessarily contradict Christianity), but I don’t have any such memories. Some of these people I have a lot of confidence. And yet, since I can’t even trust my own experiences or my interpretations of them, I cannot just accept their testimonies as truth. 

This is where I am. I guess that I just have to accept the uncertainty and trust that things will come together in the end, even though, from where I stand right now, it does not seem possible. 

Many people have tried to convince me to see the world, religion and spirituality their way. But so far, they have not succeeded. Because the evidence haven’t been there. And I’m too aware of my own ability to deceive myself, and therefore of other people’s ability to do the same, to take anyone’s word for anything.

I pray to God every day to lead me on the right path and I need to trust that God will show me the way. Because something that I do know, is that God is a personal God and that God cares for me.

Character part 1

It’s not about what you do, but who your actions shape you into. 

I would say that I’ve lived a life that makes me somewhat qualified to talk about character. In my past, I used to be a nihilist. I was lazy, I lied if I thought that it would benefit me and I indulged any momentary urge if its gratification was within reach. This meant that I acquired habits that were hard to break. It also meant that I built up a life where I was more prone to lie and put myself first in the future. At first, when I started to find meaning and wanted to live a different life, I was so disconnected from myself, that I didn’t see all the baggage that was still there. I basically thought that I was just going to become a good person over night, just by deciding to be.

Character, I believe, would be how we bridge the gap between justification by faith and by action. I don’t think that I’m alone in feeling an aversion towards the idea that if you just do enough good deeds, you’re okay no matter what kind of person you are on the inside. 

Neither do I think that I’m alone in feeling an aversion towards the idea that faith is all that is required. Especially when faith comes down to believing in the right things. This, I think, would be even worse than the “just do good deeds” bit. Especially since good deeds tend to have a positive effect on one’s character, while forcing oneself to believe certain things out of fear of punishment and hope for rewards doesn’t seem to do anything good for anyone. 

Here I wish to interject something. I don’t know what happens when we die. I know that we go on existing in some way and I may have some idea what might happen. I don’t think that we will be tortured forever if we’re not right with God though. I don’t know, but I find this incompatible with the idea of a good God that is almighty, which would logically imply that God could choose not to let us suffer for eternity. But I don’t know. There could be something that I’m missing here. 

The point though, is that I don’t believe that we are totally liberated from any sorts of consequences for our actions or the people that we are either. 

One thought, which is in line with the idea of character being central to our spiritual lives, is that our punishment or reward is simply that we have to live with ourselves. We can, like I did, numb the pain of being people that we don’t like, by telling ourselves that there is no right or wrong and that nothing matters. We can numb the pain on the outside by distracting ourselves with things, money, work, addictions etcetera. We can even fool ourselves that everything is okay by convincing others of it.

But in the end, we are always there. And one thing that I believe that we can be fairly certain of when it comes to the afterlife, no matter what else it holds in store for us, is that we won’t be able to bring with us any of our distractions from this life.

Creativity and passion

Many things are creative. But all creative things aren’t equal. I’ve been thinking about what separates different creative works from others. In one sense there is what we collectively agree upon. Critics and people in general determine the value of something.

But out of nowhere it hit me: on a personal level, the value of one’s creativity is the passion one feels for it. 

I always feel life breathing down my neck part 2

There is another side to this though. Throughout my life I’ve often been quite lazy and inactive. I’ve taken the comfortable route. Maybe not more so than most people, but couple this with some bad decisions, bad prioritising, some refusal to accept reality, avoidance of problems, procrastination and a general inability to organise one’s everyday life, and you have a recipe for a big mess that you have to clean up if you want to live a life that you’re happy with.

Now, I’ve gradually cleaned up this mess more and more. For the most part, it has been life forcing me to reluctantly face reality and do what I have to do to avoid total disaster. This is not how I want to live my life though.

And what I’ve realised, is that, even though it causes a lot of stress for me, I feel best when I’m engaged in stuff. When my life is moving. This is probably not for everyone, but I believe that I’ve been living a life that is very out of line with how I function. I mostly love having a lot to do, as long as the doing doesn’t consist of fixing unforeseen problems. And I feel worst when I’m not moving. When I just sit and chill on the sofa. Except for when chilling on the sofa is a reward I give to myself for having performed a good job.

I always feel life breathing down my neck part 1

It’s no fun admitting this. It was my wife that pointed this out to me. She feels like I’m always going somewhere. I always have something that I need to do. I can never stop to be fully present because of it. But she needs to see her part in it and put away her phone when she is with me, because it’s a constant distraction even if she isn’t always tinkering with it. It takes her attention away from me at least as much as my projects takes my attention away from her. It’s always present and at any given moment there can be a message that she has to check or even a phone call that she feels like she has to take.

Another weird thing, is that I’m able to be present when I work, meditate, dance or do yoga. But not when I’m just simply enjoying myself or the company of others. Because then I always have something productive that I could be doing in the back of my mind. And if what I’m enjoying costs money, this too is in the back of my mind.