My going back and forth

There is a lot of going back and forth in my head right now. On the one hand, there is the calling to Christ that I feel so strongly. On the other hand, there are all of these experiences that I have, that in spiritual circles refer to what is called “The Ascension Process”. I think that I need to talk about this with as clear words as possible. I don’t want to talk about my spiritual experiences, as I believe that they are personal and that I at most should talk about them with my family and closest friends. Maybe not even them. I’ve found that talking about them mainly serves to blow up my ego.

But basically, I’m starting to realise that I’m this whole different other person, from the one that I thought that I was. 

It seems to be my lot in life to walk in uncertainty. I know several people that claim to remember past lives (there are also arguments for reincarnation being spoken about in The Bible, so this does to necessarily contradict Christianity), but I don’t have any such memories. Some of these people I have a lot of confidence. And yet, since I can’t even trust my own experiences or my interpretations of them, I cannot just accept their testimonies as truth. 

This is where I am. I guess that I just have to accept the uncertainty and trust that things will come together in the end, even though, from where I stand right now, it does not seem possible. 

Many people have tried to convince me to see the world, religion and spirituality their way. But so far, they have not succeeded. Because the evidence haven’t been there. And I’m too aware of my own ability to deceive myself, and therefore of other people’s ability to do the same, to take anyone’s word for anything.

I pray to God every day to lead me on the right path and I need to trust that God will show me the way. Because something that I do know, is that God is a personal God and that God cares for me.