Trusting God

Can I accept the thought that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be? This is an interesting question whose answer has lots of implications. Because this is a question about trusting God. 

I think that the story about Doubting Thomas in the Bible is interesting here. Because on the surface it seems strange that anyone would doubt after having seen what Jesus can do. Until one finds oneself in a similar situation. In my life, I’ve had so much proof in the form of synchronicities, messages, strange experiences within and the testimonies of people going through the same thing as I do. And yet, when life gets tough I find myself unable to let go and trust the process. I find it difficult to believe that God really has got my back and I sometimes start questioning my experiences. This in spite of the fact that they are so plentiful and undeniable, that if they happened all at once to the most hardcore skeptic, he/she would have to accept them as evidence. 

The best reason for this that I can come up with, is that when it comes to the miraculous, the ego simply cannot grasp it. Even if heaven literally opened up and God came down riding a golden chariot, the ego might sit the next day saying: “What about my bills? What about my bad habits? Maybe this or that person does not like me.” Etcetera. I know somewhere that everything happens for a reason and that everything is as it’s supposed to be. That I safely can put my life in God’s hands, because God is everything and infinitely more. But if enough setbacks happen in a row, I forget all about this and start thinking that something is wrong. Something that my little ego has to fix, even if I highly doubt my ability to handle it. Even if I know how crazy it sounds, that I would have all these very unusual experiences just to live a life of struggling to get by, while paying for one unexpected expenditure after another, this is often how it feels.

And on the other hand, if this is where God wants me to be, who am I to question it? Do I really have so little faith in God’s plan and that God knows what he’s doing? I know that I’m going to live forever and yet, from time to time I’m making myself miserable thinking of the things that aren’t as little me want them to be right now.

The thing is that my ego, little me, does not care. No matter how many exciting spiritual experiences I have, my ego won't accept them. My ego will still look at my five-sense reality, insisting that it is more real. That my petty problems are what's important. That they are what I need to focus on. That I should focus on temporary pain instead of eternal bliss. It insists that I don't have a choice in the matter. Even if I somewhere knows that a shift in focus and perspective always is possible.