The things that God has seen me do...

I know that God exists. And I’m almost as sure about the omnipresent, omnipotent part. Which means that God has seen everything that I have done. Heard every thought. To say that this makes me a bit uncomfortable would be the understatement of the year, when I think about what this really means. I don’t believe in hell and I don’t have to in order for it to be so. Just imagine standing in front of the creator of the universe and being questioned about your most shameful moments. I can’t imagine what that would be like, even if I’m forgiven for all my sins. Even if it turns out that every "bad" thing I or anyone else ever did stemmed not from me or anyone else being bad, but from erroneous thinking (this is what I do believe).

I honestly don’t know if I’m ever going to stand before the creator of the universe and have all my sins read to me. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. Does it really matter? I have committed them and God has seen me doing it. The difference is that I haven’t really believed that God has seen me. Or else I would have had a very hard time doing whatever it was that I was doing. If God on the other hand would stand visibly right in front of me, the situation would be different. Hence the example above. The question that we thus may ask ourselves is: If God was visibly present in the room, would I do the thing that I am doing? Would I say the things that I'm thinking of?

Something that I’ve noticed lately, is that when I think of God, there is no room for certain thoughts or memories inside my head. It is as if the presence of God cannot co-exist with certain things. Not when I truly think of God as God, with all God’s holiness, and not just God as a concept or a word. In other words, when I really know that God sees me, certain things fall away on their own.

This was very much not something that I noticed easily. It took a long time. And I haven’t really figured out what it means, all of its implications or exactly how it works.