Being okay with confusion

I'm a little scared of posting this text. Because I'm going to be personal about my spiritual life in a way that differs from previous blog posts. What do I want with this post? To give you a better idea of where I'm coming from and where the things that I talk about come from.

Something very strange is happening in the world. I’ve talked about this many times before. Is it the Ascension process? Or the End Times? A little bit of both? Something completely different?

Have you noticed that strange things are starting to happen in your life on a personal level as well? I know that I have. And I know that this is true for many other people. But contrary to most people, I’m not at all sure exactly what this is or what it means. I thought that I was. But I’m not at all anymore. And I’m not sure if this is a strength or weakness. Maybe a bit of both. I think that my biggest strength lies in God and Jesus. Because most people that are going through a spiritual awakening seem to have missed the personal relationship with God. Something that I know for a fact is at the very centre of everything that is happening right now. In all of the doubt and confusion that I’m going through, this is one thing that I don’t doubt for a second. The confirmations that I’ve received about this are overwhelming. 

Even though on a personal level, it has been proven to me, over and over again, that something is happening, on the planet, with me, my wife and many other people, I can still not help asking myself if it’s all just in my head. Of course we can take this one step further. Because if you think about it, it’s obvious that ultimately I can’t be sure that anything I’m experiencing is real. I only have access to what my senses tell me. At least when it comes to my interaction with the world. As a matter of fact, I cannot be sure that the world is anything like what I experience inside my head. I have to live as if this is true though, because life would be impossible to live otherwise. But I cannot know for sure. 

As things become stranger and stranger, both in the world and on a personal level, faith and doubt seem more and more inseparable. More and more indispensable. Because I need to hold on to the faith that this is real and that it’s leading somewhere. But I have to try and stay as clear and grounded as possible, as I’m facing a reality that by its very nature is overwhelming, frightening and confusing. 

Whatever else may be true, if I feel that God is communicating with me and my wife, I think that the best response to it is to treat it as real. If it was just a voice inside my head I should probably go seek medical assistance. But it’s nothing like that at all. I’m not going to get into any details about it. But it’s more like seeing the hand of God in the everyday events of my life. Life doesn’t just seem chaotic, random and devoid of meaning, as it used to. Life seems to speak to me, and to my wife, in different ways. So much so that it’s next to impossible to dismiss it as figments of our imagination. Especially since we’ve experienced many things together. 

I don’t know exactly what God wants with me. And from hereon out I’m going to talk about my experiences. If my wife wishes to talk about hers, she can do so in her own words. 

What I know for sure is that it has nothing to do with my character, accomplishments, goodness or good looks. Whatever God wants with me, he must have his reasons. But it surely has nothing to do with anything that I can take credit for. Even though a part of me definitely wants to. And I honestly don’t know if I could potentially mess up one time too many. In other words, if whatever I’m supposed to do could be passed on to someone else. Because I’ve messed up so many times since this whole thing started. Sometimes I feel that my past is just one big, messy fog of mistakes, bad behavior and self-deception.

At this point, I’ve lost a couple of friends. And there are probably quite a few people that think that I’ve lost my mind. Or that I’m balancing on the edge of insanity. Quite frankly, I’m asking myself whether I’m going crazy sometimes. Because I know that there is something that I’m supposed to communicate. Discussions that I’m supposed to have. Questions that I’m supposed to ask. People that I’m supposed to meet. But honestly, I feel rather confused. And nothing that I do ever seems to lead anywhere. And yet, when I’m close to completely losing hope, God calls on me in one way or another, telling me to hang on. 

If I could show you what I’ve experienced, you would understand why I, in one sense, am so sure about that I need to keep doing what I’m doing. Even if I don’t know what I’m doing myself sometimes. While I’m in another sense filled with so much doubt, in spite of all of what I’ve experienced. As I said, it doesn’t seem to lead anywhere. And I’m so confused about all of this and what it means. 

Die to live

Before we can simply let go and be reborn, there are so many things that we cling on to, that we have to let go of. We cling on to our social status, career, different pleasures, political opinions, aspirations and so on. These are some of the most common things that we cling to, but the list could be almost endless. 

A funny paradox in all of this, is that it seems like that in order for us to begin to let go, we first need to fully accept that these things are in our lives and not judge ourselves for it. It's not about being hard on ourselves or disliking ourselves, but about seeing what is there and being honest with what it does to us. Remember that we're all sinners.

While there is much in the world that we need to let go of if we want to live dignified lives, God created the world and saw that it was good. This does not change just because sin and corruption has entered the picture. So to just look at it as a garbage dump full of misery that we should strive to remove ourselves from, does not seem like a wise thing to do. I believe something like this: We need to learn to live in the world the way God intends for us to live in it and not in the way that our culture tells us to. To enjoy life and the pleasures of God’s creation in the way that God intended. To focus on what’s essential instead of getting caught up in what doesn’t really matter. Instead of getting caught up in trivialities. Ultimately, to learn to view life from a God-centered eternity-perspective. Because if we truly believe in God and that life will continue after death, to strive for this perspective ought to follow logically.

Jesus says: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). The Bible is full of verses about dying to self so that one can live. So that one can become renewed. There is an old self that has to die, so that another, more real self can live. If we follow this line of reasoning, there is a very simple conclusion, which is staring us right in the face when we read the Bible: There is a right and a wrong way when it comes to how we conduct ourselves in our day-to-day lives. There is a right and a wrong way when it comes to how we treat other people and ourselves. There is a right and a wrong way when it comes to how we eat, drink and conduct ourselves. I would even argue that there is a right and a wrong way when it comes to our posture, how we breathe and how we treat our attention. Do we pay attention consciously or do we let chance dictate what we pay attention to?

This last bit, about our attention, is important here. Because something happens when we pay conscious attention to something. If we for example pay attention to our breathing, it becomes more calm and natural all by itself, if we don’t try to do anything with it. There is also a warning implied here. Because attention matters gravely. Think about it. How much what you pay attention to dictates your life. Really think about it. And now think about our society, where there is constantly something ot someone that tries to grab our attention, as loudly as possible. Think about what such a society may do to us if we don’t consciously choose to take control of our attention. Give it some thought. What role does you attention play in your life? And are you consciously trying to control your attention?

We may have very different beliefs about what is going on in the world right now. About the crisises that we are facing. About their origins, severity, what is most dangerous, which people and what information we can trust. But no matter what, I believe that everyone, right in this moment, is called to a renewal in Christ. We may have different views when it comes to many theological issues. But when it comes to the basics of how to conduct ourselves in our day-to-day lives the Bible is very clear. And if we don’t take things out of their context, the truth of what the Bible teaches about this is easy to recognize. Even more so when it is applied. Jesus sets the example that we need to follow, no matter how many times we mess up when we try to do so. We should love, forgive, turn the other cheek, practice non-judgment, do everything with moderation, put our own lives under scrutiny instead of trying to find faults in other people, pray in earnest for our enemies, and so on. 

If we shift our focus a bit, we can in all likelihood find things in our lives that we can change, that do not take any real effort. Do we, for example, really have to take our political opinions so seriously, that we condemn others for having opinions that we find disagreeable? Do we have to speak ill of other people’s lifestyle choices for no good reason? When it might really be our culture, that encourages people to make unsound choices, that we need to criticize? The point is that we do so many things, that do not contribute to who we want to be without even thinking about it. Often without thinking about that we have a choice. 

It might be time to ask ourselves some tough questions: Do I want to become a person that lives up to what it means to be made in the image of God? Do I believe that this is something that I may want to prioritize? Put some time, energy and effort into? Or do I feel that I have other, more important, priorities in my life? If so, why? What is more important than God and to strive be and live the way God intended?

Let me emphasize that I’m not speaking from any high horses here. I don’t look at myself as a particularly good person. How I do see myself however, is as someone that has something to communicate. As someone who is in many ways weak, broken, full of shortcomings and moral failures. But also as someone that sincerely tries to become better. As someone who has been asked by God to do something, even though I don’t know exactly what. Only that it may have something to do with this very striving to become a better, more Christ-like person.

I see myself as someone who has done nothing to deserve this calling, but on the contrary has committed many unworthy acts. All the way from unnecessary and slightly harmful, to seriously shameful and destructive. The only thing that I’ve done to deserve this, is to say yes to the calling, no matter what it may entail. But I’ve also moaned and complained a lot about my everyday struggles. I've often had a hard time keeping up my trust in God. So I guess that I haven’t said yes completely to the whole package. But I at least think that I’m making some progress. That I’m beginning to accept more and more of my hardships as parts of my journey.

There seems to be no other way than to clean house completely, no matter how long it takes. We need to look not just at our habits, but the way we speak and what thoughts we fill our heads with. Yes, our whole personalities. And it cannot be just something that we decide on doing. We need to observe ourselves and consciously decide to break our behavioral patterns. Over and over again. Till we’re completely renewed. From inside out. Does it sound overwhelming? The good news is that it can be practiced all the time, whatever we are doing. And no one is expecting us to be perfect. It doesn’t matter how good or bad we are at this. It’s not that kind of game. Contrary to the games of the world, this is not a competition and what matters here is truly that we try our best. We’re not expected to reach or even hope for perfection. At least not in this life. But, also contrary to the games of the world, there is no way that we can cheat or fool anyone in this game. 

Being okay with who we are

I’m beginning to think that I’ve missed something crucial. Or rather overlooked and misunderstood. Namely being okay with who I am, where I am. To look at my life and say: “this is what I’ve got to work with”, be grateful for it and do my best to make the best out of it.

I’ve read a bunch of the New Age “love yourself” lovey-dovey crap. That is not what I’m talking about. Positive affirmations have never worked for me. I feel exactly nothing when I stand in front of the mirror and say “I love you” to myself. Because itäs just words, coming out of my mouth. I think that real, non-narcissistic self-love is a rather complex process.

Ultimately I think that this is an issue of trusting God. Of believing that even though God has allowed me to mess up so many things, he still has a purpose for everything. Of believing that he can take my brokenness and turn it into something good. Of being content with not knowing what this good is or when it will happen. 

I’ve never felt entirely comfortable in my own skin. And I’m often not okay with being me. I beat myself up for past mistakes. Most of all, I’m mad at myself for the mess that my past self has left for my present self to clean up.

It feels strange to know quite a lot about psychology and spirituality and yet feel that I have so little control over myself and my life. I can see more or less exactly where my problems lie, but I seem unable to do much about them. 

Then I see all of these spiritual teachers that seem to have everything figured out. But I’m truly starting to think that it’s just surface. Marketing strategy. Because people are messy and complicated. It seems to be part of what it means to be human. And when some spiritual teacher displays his or her perfect life and tells me how easy it is to build such a life, it does not inspire me. It makes me feel inadequate. Because when I’ve tried these supposedly easy solutions to life’s problems, I’ve failed over and over again. I do feel that I’ve grown a lot as a person the last few years. And I’ve cleaned up my act quite a bit. It’s true that we do have a fair bit of control when it comes to how we treat ourselves and everyone and everything that are in our lives. 

But I’m I also still struggling on many levels. And there are only a handful of all of the teachings that I feel have actually contributed to my growth. This while many instead have made me more confused. 

One of the people that has had most positive impact on me is Jordan Peterson. He most definitely doesn’t talk about how easy everything it supposed to be. Instead he talks about how life is hard and full of tragedy, but also that we have much more capacity inside ourselves to handle the human condition than we think. That how well we handle life’s storms depends on what kind of character we’ve built. This message, coupled with some truly useful advise, is one that I can get behind.

What I want to say with this, is that many teachings seem to give us unrealistic expectations in life. Instead of being happy with whatever God lays in our path, we instead wonder why things aren’t better. And we feel bad because things don’t flow as smoothly as promised. We feel that there must be something wrong with us. 

What you should know is that if you’re not living the dream, as the YouTubers that you are following, that’s okay. Most of us don’t. Most of us can’t earn a living doing what we’re passionate about. And many struggle to make our everyday lives work. And that has to be okay. God loves us and has a plan for us anyway. 

And here’s the thing: The best people among us, those that do much more than just talk, don’t seem to be problem free people. There is only one perfect person in the whole Bible. Everyone else are different degrees of broken. And I’m beginning to think that those that present themselves as perfect are selling us a lie.

On the other hand, a wise person recently told me that the fruits of the spirit have the quality of fruits. Which means that they have to be watered, nourished and be given time to grow and ripen. So I guess that there might be a point down the line where I feel more confident and put together. But when a bunch of twenty-somethings come out and say that they more or less have figured life out, I believe that it should be viewed with suspicion. And I think that anyone that makes similar claims should display the utmost humility and love in everything they say and do. Because if there is something that I strongly believe, is that the degree to which we’ve figured things out, is directly proportional to the size of our egos. 

What I want to get to with this rather lengthy discussion, is the simple idea that one of the most important things we have to learn, is to work with what we’ve got. Learn to stop wishing for things to be different. Or wait till life is different, makes more sense and we have our acts together before we can live and do what we feel called to do. We have to do so even if we have to stumble around in darkness, no matter how long it has to take. 

Because God is calling right now. Not when we feel ready, but when God says that it’s time. And all that we can do is trust. Through the insecurities, doubts, struggles and feelings of hopelessness, God tells us to trust. Even though we feel broken, lost, confused and friends fail us, God reaches out his hand and tells us to trust. Promises us to use even our brokenness for good. Promises that there is a meaning to everything, even if we can’t see it. And the journey must begin with saying yes to life as it is, right here and now. No matter how hard it seems.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

Love one another!

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength […] Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:30-31). 

In these two commandments, Jesus summarizes his whole message. But how often do we really live by it?

What do we answer to questions such as the following: Am I really doing my best to practice non-judgment and forgiveness in all situations? In most? At least towards those closest to me? How do I view those that are different from me? That think differently from me? How do I view people that have the “wrong” opinions? If a brother came to me in sincere repentance and confessed his sins, would I be able to meet him/her in unconditional love no matter what he/she confessed? Would my capacity for unconditional love be affected by whether what he/she confessed affected me personally or not?

When I’m being honest with myself, I’m forced to admit that I’m often unable to follow even the most basic teachings of Jesus and the Bible. And yet I’m often off into all kinds of more or less advanced speculations about right and wrong. I try to figure out what logically must follow from this and that, while ignoring how much I lack when it comes to following that which is written in clear language. Not only written in clear language, but put at the centre of everything that the central figure of the Bible taught. Things that even a five year old can understand.

St. Paul, in his letter to the Corinthians, says: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1). 

In light of this quote from st. Paul, I often feel like nothing. I’ve felt the love I’m capable of. If I look back at those moments, when I’ve been overwhelmed by love not just for those around me, but for the whole of humanity, the world and life itself, I wasn’t aware of this at the time. But I believe that these have been moments when my ego has stepped aside to freely allow God to love through me. 

In my day to day life however, I often feel numb, disconnected and uncaring. This in a time when we need to love, care for and forgive one another more than ever. In a time when we need unity more than ever. I know that I can still choose to act in a loving manner, no matter how I feel. And in these colder moments, perhaps it’s the best that we can do. If it is, it has to be enough until we can do better. But when life runs on autopilot, which it often does, and negative emotions sneak up on us, it’s not always easy to remember to be our best. And more times than I would like to admit, I willingly act against against better judgment. Even though I, at the time, manage to convince myself that I’m not. 

Here I would like to interject, that the more I've processed the negative emotions that I've suppressed and allowed to fester inside my body, the more I've been able to let God's love shine through me. Suppressed emotions, I believe, is one of the main reasons why we feel numb and unloving.

Furthermore, there seems to be layers to this. It probably comes to no one’s surprise, that temptations are harder to resist some times than others. But there seems to be more to it. Sometimes the bile just starts flowing, seemingly by itself. Other times, we have a few seconds to stop ourselves, but for one reason or another, we don’t. We may provide more or less muddled justifications for our behavior. But the truth is that we often simply don’t want to stop ourselves. Our ego has been hurt and demands that the world listens to it when it expresses just how hurt it feels, how it wants others to pay for the hurt and how it expects to be compensated. Or that someone else has done or not done something that disqualifies them as good people. 

If what characterizes Christians is their love for their fellow people, we fall short of this ideal way too often. I fall short of this ideal way too often. I have learned to say no to the really low emotions, such as hate and contempt. If a contemptuous thought creeps into my mind, I usually catch it and refuse to engage with it. But I feel unjustified anger way too often. Anger that is not about some injustice out in the world, but one that stems from my pride having been wounded or something equally ridiculous. 

As you can see, I have a long way to go. But that has to be okay. We all have our baggage. Little habits of thought, speech and action. And if I look at where I was just a couple of years ago, I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m not really such a self-righteous jerk anymore. My baggage is not as heavy anymore. I know that it’s time to put my life completely in God’s hands, no matter what. I know that I owe my whole life to God. Discernment is something that I pray for often. I do my best to understand God’s will. Even if I often fool myself. I want to be able to notice when I speak, act and think in a loveless manner. When I judge and condemn. To bring the light of awareness into the dark corners of my life. And I humbly as God to remove the burden of lovelessness from my shoulders.

The radical love message of Jesus has always been important. But as I said before, I believe that it’s more important than ever today. Because the world is growing colder and darker. It’s easier than ever to get swept away by its ways. What is instead needed, is to stand strong in our faith and make a conscious effort to burn brighter.

In the times ahead we will need each other more than ever. In a few years, we are going to need to come together more than just when we meet at church on Sundays or through the regular church activities. Therefore we need to work actively to strengthen our love for one another. To build up love within ourselves. It’s not always easy. Many of us have, unconsciously, grown cold and numb for many years. If so, it’s time to awaken!

We need each other’s support, care, unconditional love and help through tough situations. Each other’s forgiveness and understanding. And we need to be able to both count on receiving and be able to give this.

Let's talk about SIN and SALVATION PART 2

Today it’s not so popular to talk about sin. For obvious reasons. People don’t like the burden that they feel that it places on their shoulders. They don’t like the thought of being judged. Yet, if we pay attention, can’t we see that reality judges us all the time? Some people get away with sinning, but I would say that most don’t. Some consequences are obvious: Thieves get caught. Liars get exposed. But often the fear of getting caught or exposed is a punishment in itself. And at least from my experience, sexual immorality drains us mentally and damages our relation to other people. But we seldom see such less obvious consequences. Many instead get angry. They think that religion wants to hinder them from enjoying life for no good reason. Actually I understand this. I think that people forcing religious morals on others has done more damage when it comes to this than anything else. 

I’ve gained a gained a clearer perspective on my own past and present sinfulness lately. One that does not excuse, but explains. And this is important. Explanations. Because when we can explain something we can understand it. We can find acceptance and forgive ourselves. We can start thinking constructively about our situation and look for the best ways of handling it. But before we have diagnosed the problem, we are in the dark. Everything seems chaotic, overwhelming and it seems impossible to get a handle on it.

In some strange way, I thought that all of what I was doing back in “the good old days” was somehow justifiable. I think that this is the case for most people, even though I believe that there are some truly evil people in the world as well. And yet, as I said in the first post, somehow I can’t get away from the feeling that we are somehow still responsible for our actions. Even though we can truly say that, at the time, we didn’t know any better. 

This is a moral problem that I think deserves to be taken seriously. Stated clearly, the problem is as follows: “Basically everyone seem to find justifications for their actions inside their heads. This means that everyone seem to believe that what they are doing is right, no matter how wrong it is. And yet, we seem to be morally responsible for our actions.”

In one sense, as I said in the beginning, moral responsibility hits us directly through the consequences of our actions and the characters that we develop through our choices. But there seems to be something that goes beyond this. Maybe it’s something like this: If God exists, which he does, and he seems to have woven some sort of moral into the fabric of reality, going against this moral might also impact our relationship with God somehow. 

Until I started thinking in the terms of moral responsibility, I was blind to all of my problems. Because I just let go and allowed my impulses to rule me, while thinking that I was making a free choice. 

The change in perspective came with my belief in God. And here is the thing that I find interesting. Before I started believing in God and consequently that there was such a thing as right and wrong, I was not aware that I wasn’t really making conscious choices at all. I thought that I was free when I followed my impulses. It was first when I started to resist my impulses that I realized that they were controlling me.

What I wonder about is where we should cut ourselves some slack and say that “we’re only human” or “I didn’t know any better at the time” and when we should be more harsh with ourselves. How guilty should we feel? Until we start taking faith seriously, we are in the grip of the ways of the world. The world tells us that a lot of things are okay that goes against our faith. And if we engage in everything that the world tells us is okay, and even many things that our cultures encourage, we are going to become corrupted. 

The Bible does say that the truth is written into our hearts. And while this may be true, we may go through our whole lives without learning to really listen. How much blame can be put on our shoulders, if we’ve been taught the wrong things our whole lives and never been given any real reasons to question our beliefs? 

Many questions come to mind when I ponder this. Are we allowed to factor in our own needs when we ponder God’s demands? Should we always stay on the safe side when it comes to issues that God, according to some people, may have a problem with? Obviously, if our choices may send us to hell, the most reasonable course of action would be to abstain from anything that may send us there. No matter how far fetched it seems. But what if this is not how God wants us to live our lives? Can we really have a loving relationship with God if we live this way? Is this what a good relationship with a parent would look like? You abstaining from most things that you enjoy out of fear of punishment, even if you yourself can’t find any good reason why?

The world is, for example, full of people that are saying that Christian rock is sinful music. I personally love bands like Skillet, Rebecca st. James, The Letter Black and Éowyn. And I feel that listening to them actually helps me become a better person. The lyrics are uplifting, encouraging and they have gotten me through many tough times.

But if I could actually get tortured for all eternity for listening to them, I might consider listening only to psalms and classical music that came before Beethoven. Because apparently many people at Beethoven’s time were worried what effect his music might have on people. So better not listen to Beethoven, just to be on the safe side. 

To me, this line of reasoning becomes silly. When someone can point to a Bible verse that tells me, in clear language, that I cannot listen to rock music, I’ll stop listening to Christian rock. 

I think that there is an argument to be made for viewing sin as something that corrupts. So if something does not seem to corrupt us, or cause corruption in general, I think chances are low that it actually is sin. And I have yet to find something that the Bible clearly warns against, that doesn’t corrupt us eventually. Ultimately, I believe that this is between us, our conscience and God. No other human can decide for us if something is a sin or not. If something is having a corrupting influence on us or not.

I would here like to offer a small warning from my own life. I used to live a life that was slowly numbing my emotions, while I was slowly becoming weak, cowardly and irresponsible. I lived without realizing this for many years. This is why sin can be so insidious. We don’t see how it affects us until we have an honest look at ourselves.

Consider the small example above, when you examine your own life and what effect your actions and lifestyle have on you and your character. Just because you manage to tell yourself and others that everything is okay it doesn’t mean that it is. And the consequences are there whether you believe in them or not. I believe that you have the absolute right to do whatever you please with your life. But life is full of traps that are allowed and encouraged by society. Traps that are often hard to spot when you don’t see yourself, your actions and their consequences clearly. Which you almost never do. And somewhere down the line you will have to reap what you sow. 

I do however believe that the more we take these questions seriously and the more honest we are with ourselves, the better our chances are. And ultimately, this really is between you, yourself and God. I don’t wish to tell anyone what is right or wrong, except when it comes to the really obvious, such as killing or stealing. I’m still figuring this out myself. 

Neither do I want to claim that I know the ultimate consequences of our actions. I do however want to encourage anyone reading this to take the question of right and wrong seriously. And to not be too hasty with the conclusions that this deliberation leads to. There is so much potential for wishful thinking here. I know. Because I’ve fooled myself countless times and had to deal with the consequences.

TO PART 1

Photos:

Thunder: Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Church: Souris on Unsplash

Let's talk about SIN and SALVATION PART 1

Some people say that we all do our best from where we’re at. Others say that we’re all sinners, deserving God’s judgment and that everyone that isn’t the right type of Christian will go to hell. 

These are of course two extremes, but people seem to lean quite heavily towards one of the two sides. I find both views to be too simple for such a complex problem as sin. And both are deeply problematic for many other, more or less obvious reasons.

In this post I want to call for an open conversation and some afterthought, without giving any definite answers. Because there are so many opinions on these difficult subjects and so little nuance. 

So let’s get into it.

The first view seems kind and forgiving on the surface. We already live with a lot of shame and guilt in today’s world, so if we can find a solid argument that leads to the conclusion that we are good just the way we are, this seems like a good thing. But it also seems to negate free will and moral responsibility. Taken to its extreme, this view also seems to imply that if I decide to live a life of lying, cheating, stealing and murder it’s not really my fault, because from where I am it’s the best that I can do.

Some are willing to live with these consequences. But I am not. I believe that free will and moral responsibility is what separates us from animals. I also know that no matter if we believe in free will or not, we live as if we have such a will. Our whole existence, from the individual to the whole global collective, relies on us being responsible for our own actions.

On the other hand, the second view seems incredibly harsh. And it seems to add an element of arbitrariness to something as important as the eternal destiny of our souls. To be clear, what we’re talking about here is the possibility of being tortured forever. If this is the truth, we have no other choice than to accept it and do our best to avoid such a fate. And I would not want to be someone that leads people astray with regards to this. Both for other people’s and my own sake. But our beliefs determine both what world we experience and how we perceive God. So I think that this question deserves some rather serious deliberation before we decide on what to believe. 

And now I haven’t even discussed the problem that is solved by the first view. Namely that we often don’t understand what we do when we do it, or that we may be engaged in something morally questionable. Or the corrupting influence that our culture today clearly has on us. 

I will elaborate on this in the second post. For now, it will suffice for me to say that I believe it to be irresponsible and cowardly to blame all our actions on society. But I also think that it’s too harsh to blame ourselves completely, when, as I said, we’re exposed to so much corruption on a daily basis.

The way out of judgment, according to the view that we are discussing, is to accept Jesus as our lord and savior. But who wouldn’t do that, if they understood that this is what is required to be saved? I guess that it’s possible to reject this offer out of pride. But no one in their right mind, knowing fully what they rejected, would make such a decision.

I believe that there has to be a middle way somewhere. I’ve been struggling with some mental issues throughout my life. Issues that I’ve gained a clearer perspective on the past few years. This means that I so well know how difficult self-control can be. 

It’s easier to see how helpless we are in the face of our own psyches when we’re struggling with minds that turn against us. But I believe that this is more or less true for all of us. Illness or not, we all seem to be a little bit sick. If we try to stand on our own and make ourselves the final authority of our lives, we will be victims of forces beyond our control. Forces in the world and inside ourselves. Our animal nature will persuade us of all kinds of things all on its own, while our thoughts provide us with the reasons that give us the illusion of choice. Then we have the world with its morals and temptations. This seems to be the foundation of sin. And seen in this light, sin does seem more like a failure than a free choice.

But there has to be some choice somewhere. As I said before, free will and moral responsibility seem to be woven into what it means to be human and without them we are reduced to thinking animals. So, where does this leave us? 

Let’s look at what I think that the second view gets right. Even if I have free will and am responsible for my actions, I seem unable to do this all on my own. 

I will present the line of reasoning that is soon to follow in a very condensed form here. It has almost twenty years of struggles, experiences and thinking back and forth behind it. A journey that it would take several books to describe. But this is where I’ve landed. 

My line of reasoning is as follows: The Bible expresses a truth about God and reality that cannot be found anywhere else but the Bible. If it is so, then the death and resurrection of Jesus and what it means for us must also be true. Because this is the absolute focal point of the Bible. It cannot be grasped with the intellect. I do think that there is a whole conversation to be had about the validity of the theology that has grown out of the churches since this event. But the Bible is clear about that everything in it points towards the death and resurrection of Jesus and what it means for us. So I cannot believe that the message of the Bible is inspired by God and then reject what Jesus’ death and resurrection means for us. And I cannot allow my petty, faulty, often arrogant intellect get in the way of this, just because it cannot be understood on an intellectual level.

The interesting thing is that the more I ponder this, the more I seem to get confirmations that it’s written into my heart. Just like the Bible says. It feels more and more real. 

So we seem to need Jesus for our salvation and atonement for our sins. We need to cultivate a relationship with the Holy Spirit so that we have a friend that is always with us and guides us. And we of course need to have the correct beliefs about God and cultivate our relationship with him. Because if we don’t know what we are aiming for, we are bound to miss the mark. Without this foundation everything else crumbles, both on an individual and collective level. We exist to love and worship God. All other gifts from God pale in comparison with this relationship.

Finally, we need a moral system to guide us. To me at least, the best system that I’ve found is the Bible. It shows us how to act in a dangerous world so that we don’t get swept away by the usual storms that surround us. And if a big storm comes, which it will, it gives us the best possible conditions to survive it. The Bible requires us to grow up and take responsibility. To abstain from things that are bad for us and do what’s good for us.

The proof is in the pudding. Societies that reject God always crumble sooner or later. It might look good for a while. Everyone seems free, happy etcetera. But left to their own, our animal natures soon takes over and it’s survival of the fittest from then on. The strongest, brightest and most ruthless win while the rest of the world suffers and falls apart. And if this continues long enough, there are no winners left at all.

I will end this post here. But I hope that you will come back and read my next post on Wednesday, where I try to tie this all together. 

TO PART 2

Photos:

Thunder: Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Church: Souris on Unsplash

Breaking free from the PRISON of COMFORT

We were never meant to live like this. What has happened to us? Life should not consist of relaxation, comfort, pleasure, consumption and safety. Maybe when God said to Adam: “By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground” (Genesis 3:19) it was not just meant just as a burden laid upon our shoulders. Maybe in a fallen world it’s not desirable to live any other way. Maybe life loses its meaning when we don’t have to work hard for anything anymore.

Let me ask you this: Do people that make safety and comfort their primary goals seem happy? I don’t have any statistics to back this up, but I’m pretty sure that there is a correlation between the use of anti-depressants and people’s level of comfort. I’m pretty sure that there is a correlation between depression and how many hours are spent on the sofa eating junk food. 

The world makes it easier than ever to be lazy, comfortable and engage in instant gratification. Today we have access to every item of convenience imaginable. We have endless access to entertainment and other distractions, fast food so we don’t have to cook, anti-depressants and sedatives so we don’t have to deal with our emotional problems, cars so we don’t have to walk, medications so we don’t have to take care of our bodies and wellfare so we don’t have to work. And since it becomes harder and harder to find work, while inflation eats up more and more of our salaries, there is less and less incentive to work. 

To top it all off, we can gratify every low desire imaginable like never before. At the store, in front of the computer, on our streaming services and on our smartphones. Shameful consumption that twenty years ago required an effort and to actually look another person in the eyes when we paid for it, can today be done entirely in secret. 

Until a few years ago I didn’t see these things as clearly as I do now. So I have my own demons to fight when it comes to the sad state that we’ve slowly been conditioned into. But I have let go of much since I started to see the troubled state of the world with clear eyes. And when I saw it, I knew that I had no choice. I can hide most things from other people. I can even fool myself that this is enough. But deep inside I know that it isn’t. My choices and actions will mercilessly shape who I am. I can never truly hide my behavior from myself. And I can certainly not hide it from God, who sees everything, knows every single thought that passes through my head and knows me infinitely better than I know myself. 

I’m not free from sloth and gluttony. But I refuse to give in to them and let them rule my life. I engage in overeating from time to time. Now and then I skip going to the gym. And I know that I cannot always trust myself to do the things that I’ve set out to do. Life often feels like an uphill battle. But whatever comes out of my struggles in the end, even if it’s nothing at all, it’s still better than resignation. 

Luckily we’re not alone in this. Just as God has a will for us and cares about our actions, he also understands us. Understands what we’re going through. Understands the world that we are living in. Walks with us in our struggles. Forgives our missteps and failures. 

This does not imply taking the position of infants, where we just assume that God will do everything for us, with no effort on our part. God does expect that we try our best. That we don’t just let go and give in. That we don’t start making excuses. And it’s so easy to start making excuses. I know. Because I’ve struggled with many sins throughout my life. And these struggles have entailed loads of excuses for letting go and giving in. Loads of justifications for why sin isn’t really sin, even though I know in my heart that it is. Justifications for instant gratification so that I don’t have to deal with the suffering and frustration that resisting desire often causes. Justifications that often sound insane when I look back at them. 

It’s easier than ever to just let ourselves go. At the same time, it’s harder and harder to make a different choice. If we want to feel powerful, free and alive the world will work against us. We will often have a baggage from having lived an unconscious life. Bad habits and debts to pay off are examples from my and my wife’s life. And if we want to build a business to stand on our own, regulations and tax burdens make things harder than ever. Regulations and tax burdens that big corporations easily can pay their way out of.

And temptations are everywhere. Which in itself is another challenge. Because it takes time and energy to resist them. It would be so easy to just let go, stop caring and let the government take care of us. Unhealthy food is the cheapest food, so we could easily stick to that, let our bodies decay, get comfortable and numb. Entertainment and distractions are cheap and often free. We only need a trip to the doctor and the pharmacy to escape our emotions. 

I know that I want to get out of this invisible prison that I unknowingly have allowed myself to get trapped in. To me it’s not even a choice. I’d rather live a life of struggle, frustration and disappointment every single day and die disappointed and struggling, than giving in to a meaningless life of comfort, pleasure and instant gratification. Because to me, this type of life isn’t living at all. This type of life is the equivalent of being a walking dead. You don’t live. You just exist.

When I look at what our culture tries to turn us into, I see disconnection from ourselves and disconnection from others. I see numbness. This is not what I want for me or anyone else. I want to feel alive and free even if it’s painful and frustrating. And I’m willing to endure anything to escape our invisible prison. I want to be fully human, the way God intended me to be. And I refuse to become the willless animal that the world wants to turn me into. 

Free will is one of God’s most precious and vital gifts. Let’s not waste it.