Because this is where I am right now. As I’ve mentioned briefly in a couple of other blog posts, I’ve had quite a few rather strange experiences. Some with my wife. Simplified it can be boiled down to feeling the presence of God and having God communicating with us in different way. Never as a voice in the head, even though some thoughts that have entered our heads have, in different ways, felt distinctly as not our own. But, as a side note, how do you know if your thoughts are your own really?
Many of these experiences have been so strong that it has been unmistakable that something out of the ordinary has occurred.
And yet I keep asking myself: What if I’m wrong? What if none of these things are what I think they are?
I’m worried that I’ve understood everything wrong. I’m worried because not many people seem to see spiritual matters the way I do. Mainly, most people don’t seem to want to reconcile Christianity and alternative spiritual beliefs. They are either in one camp or the other. So how do I contend with the fact that I strongly feel called to Jesus, but that I’ve at the same time for example had chakras opened and have seen the positive power of entheogens when they are approached in a responsible manner? I truly believe that what we are seeing taking place right now, is what is prophesied in the Book of Revelation. But I also believe that it has something to do with what in alternative spiritual circles is referred to as The Ascension Process. But it seems impossible to make these things fit neatly together. Then again, maybe it just seems impossible from my limited perspective.
I keep wondering whether I can make some serious error with regards to what I believe. What it one side is right and the other is wrong and I make some terrible mistake by staying open to both?
On top of that, I keep asking myself: What if what I’m seeing on the horizon will never occur? I’m in the strange position of worrying about the future no matter if I’m right or wrong. If I’m right, there will be great upheavals and lots of pain, but ultimately something that will lead to something better. If I’m wrong, I will look like a fool and the world continues on its current trajectory, where basically anything can happen.
Not only will I look like a fool in that scenario. I will also have to face that whatever I’ve experienced, it was not what I thought it was.
I can keep going like this forever. On the other hand, I’ve finally started to get a grip on myself and my plans. And this is where I am right now. Things are moving fast in the world not and I cannot keep questioning myself every step of the way. It is healthy to take a step back and look at one’s beliefs, attitudes and the actions one takes that are related to them with a relative frequency. But what is not healthy is to live in a constant state of self-doubt. Especially not when you try to accomplish something.
I know that I do my best not to engage in wishful thinking anymore. I sincerely wish to know the truth about myself and the world, no matter what that truth tells me. And in spite of past mistakes that still haunt my behavior from time to time, I know that I have a good will. I don’t want to live just for myself, my own pleasures and comforts. On the contrary, I believe that true fulfilment comes from giving one’s life to something greater than oneself.
I don’t think that I can do much more than that. We basically have two sources to navigate our way in the world from: On the one hand the facts and other external inputs that we have about the world and our direct interpretations of then, and on the other our intuition or inner guidance. And none of these take me further than what I have just described. So from now on I’m going to move forward on the path that is in front of me. And pray to God that God will lead me on a different path if I go wrong.
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