Is it too late?

Have I woken up too late?

I’ve often asked myself: Why didn’t I wake up sooner? Why did I have to wait around 35 years, messing up my life completely along the way, before I started seeing the troubled state that I was in? I think that it might be because not everyone is supposed to wake up early. And that’s okay. Because no matter where we are in our lives lives, once we wake up, whatever else may be in our lives, this is a glorious, meaningful event. 

Come to think of it, maybe it's more than okay. Maybe it even has some significance that I'm unable to see right now, but which will be more clear in the future.

I actually started waking up a long time ago. But I had no idea what was happening. So I stayed in many of my unconscious behavioral patterns and cemented many of them as time flew by. And it wasn’t until I met my wife, more than ten years later, that I started waking up for real. First it was wonderful and I thought that from now on life would be easy. Then I started seeing all of the things that I had been hiding from myself. Which was A LOT! Enough to throw me into a depression. My personal problems were so vast, that I felt like just giving up. Especially since I more and more clearly could see all of the choices that I had made, that had led me to the place that I was.

Today, four years later, I’m in a completely different place. Sure, I still have my downs. I still have a lot of cleaning to do. But I feel confident that I can handle most situations that arise. I’m much more focused than I ever thought that I could be and I’m able to think in a constructive way about most things in my life. 

It took me just four years to get here. And even if I would die tomorrow, I would say that it was worth it. Why? Wouldn’t it have been better to just live comfortably, if I’m not going to live to enjoy the fruits of my labour anyway? No! For one, I know that life doesn’t end when we die. And I believe that, unlike with the stuff that we own or the pains and pleasures we’ve experienced, we take our personal growth with us to whatever life we enter into after we die. And I know that life is not about how much pleasure and comfort we experience. That such things are completely meaningless, regardless of what else we believe. I know that I’d rather experience pain and discomfort if it helps me grow, no matter where I am in life, than pleasure and comfort, if that pleasure and comfort leads me nowhere. If I go beyond intellectual hedonistic philosophizing I can feel that this is true. I think that anyone can.