Are we just automatic reactions?

Am I talking to sets of automatic reactions? 

I keep coming back to the disturbing question of determinism - basically the idea that, in one way or another, free will is an illusion. To begin with, I believe in free will and I think that the answer to the riddle, as with so many other things, lies in conscious awareness. 

But once I truly started seeing all the forces, both within and without, that govern our behavior, it was an overwhelming experience. One that continues to overwhelm me. 

Three of my main negative driving forces, are low self-esteem, the need to be seen and a sense of powerlessness. My behavior and the choices that I make can often be boiled down to these forces.

This does not always lead to bad results. All of these forces can lead me to take action. But they can also lead to feelings of hopelessness and that there is a sense of desperation in the things that I do. And either way, I am not free to act in an authentic way. Wounds that I have attracted during my life, rather than my authentic self, drive my behavior. 

This is fueled even more by how I imagine that I’m expected to behave. Either by culture, society or the social group that I’m already in. Or to be consistent with what I unconsciously believe to be my personality. 

All of this was not easy to see. The mind can always come up with a rational reason for unreasonable behavior. If it even has to. Oftentimes my behavior just passes me by without me even thinking about it.

But the more I bring conscious awareness into my life, the more I find myself being able to observe what is going on, both within and without, and make a choice that is proactive rather than reactive. The more I am also able to see what drives my behavior in a certain situation.