Before this event that set me off on my spiritual journey, I was a nihilist. I was into Laveyean satanism (basically ego-affirming atheism, at least on the surface) and I believed that life was completely pointless. You live and you die and when you die nothing matters anymore. I didn’t really care if I died tomorrow or in a hundred years and basically felt that I might as well grab hold of whatever little pleasure that came my way while I was still alive. Not that it was right or wrong. It just seemed like the thing that came most naturally when I just let myself go.
When I went through this back in 2006, I had very few to talk to about it and no one that knew exactly what was going on. And even though I never lost my faith in God, I slipped back into many of my old patterns after a while. But from this point, my life was less chaotic. I would say that meaningfulness was the big thing here. I cared whether I lived or died because I believed that there was a purpose with my life. Looking back on this now, I think that this is actually very significant. Because our attitudes towards life affect how we think, feel and act in pretty profound ways. I know that this could be considered speculation, but at the same time it’s undeniable. When you suddenly feel like there is meaning to your existence, you care if you live or die and then you start caring about your actions. It follows logically that this will have an effect on your actions.
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