Sorting out spiritual priorities part 1

This is not the first time I talk about how easy it is to get lost in life. Especially in the spiritual life. My quest for God for example, has led me down so many roads throughout my life. At many times, I found myself just walking a road, while having lost sight of my original intent. 

What is important, I believe, is to live for God. I don’t believe that this is the same for all people. For some, it might mean to become a monk and life in a monastery. Someone else might live an ordinary family life, working a blue-collar job and just trying his or her best to build a strong character, be there for others and humbly accept everything that life throws at him or her. Yet another might become a rock star that really makes an effort to be a good role model for his or her fans. 

Whatever one is put on earth to do though, God has to be in all of it. God has to come first. I’ve not always been good at letting God come first. I’ve done some really crappy things, even after I started believing in God. Even after my belief turned into a knowing. If you read some of my other blog posts, you will get an idea of what I mean, even if I haven’t shared the worst yet. Far from it. Maybe some day. If God wants me to.

But I’m not writing this post to talk about how bad I was in the past. This post is mainly about our craving for firm beliefs. A lot of weird stuff has happened in my life. A lot of weird stuff is happening in the world right now. And somehow, the weird stuff in my life, is connected to what is going on in the world. And I want so badly to jump to conclusions as to what it all means. 

Some things point to things that go way outside of common biblical interpretation. And other things point straight to the Bible. 

But what I need to keep focus on is God. Specifically my personal relationship with God, to grow in love of God and to do my best to understand and surrender to God’s will. This must be my focus.

Apart from this, I guess that I have to be content with not knowing. Not knowing my place in the world. Not knowing why I have the experiences that I have or what they mean. Ultimately, not knowing if I’m right with God or not. I have only felt love, forgiveness and undeserved grace from God. And yet, I’m afraid. Yet, I doubt that God can ever accept me. I see my meanness, pettiness, egoism etcetera. Clearer and clearer each day. Sometimes I’m even afraid that I’m just going to find out one terrible truth after another about myself. One terrible truth after another, until it is finally clear beyond any doubt, that I deserve condemnation. 

Then I realise that my thoughts probably have turned sort of neurotic. I don't really believe what I said in the last paragraph. But sometimes I catch my thoughts speculating about stuff like that. I bet some other people do as well. Did I just put negative thoughts into someone's head by my writing? Or did I make someone else feel less alone? I guess I'll probably never know.

And I can see the good in me as well. I want to want what’s good for its own sake. For God’s sake. For other people’s sake and for the world’s sake. And I do want what’s good for its own etcetera sake. As long as life is meaningful, that’s all I need to care. And life is meaningful.

This post didn’t exactly turn out the way I planned it. I think that there will be a part two soon.