Here is the conclusion that this blog post is about written in as plain language as I’m capable of: As far as I can tell, the only options we have are to either choose God’s will freely or being enslaved by the world.
How could it be otherwise? If God is infinitely more wise than we are, always wants what’s best for us. And we, on the other hand, are capable of infinite depths of self-deception. This capacity for self-deception is part of what it means to live in a fallen state.
As with so many things, I was blind to what was in front of me for most of my life. For most of my life I’ve lived in a very confused state. To a certain degree, one that is far from negligible, I still do. But the more I let God’s will guide my life, the clearer things seem to become.
When I finally started to see the state that I was in, I had ran into one dead end after another without even realizing it. I was thoroughly convinced of my ability to make it on my own and live according to “my” will. “I make my own rules” and all that crap. So much so that I became blind to everything that didn’t work in my life. To all of the dead ends that I kept running into. I thought that I was in control, but the chaos in my life told a different story.
I’m giving you a somewhat simplified version of what happened here. If you go back far enough in my life, you will find a person who completely let his animal side rule over him. At that time, I didn’t reflect much upon my behavior at all. I had to at least care about living a good life, to realize how hard it is to do so while having no firm guidelines. And while still trying to pursue my ego’s wants, wishes, goals and desires. Let alone starting to discern what comes from the ego and what comes from that which is true inside of me. In other words what comes from the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
I would say that what got the ball rolling was that I found a certain peace in the Bible and Christianity. I honestly don’t remember exactly where I felt it first, but it was a few years ago. Back then I didn’t know really what Christianity was. So the most I had to go on was a feeling. I had read the Bible and some of the mystics. But the message had not sunk in in a way that made the faith really come alive on a personal level. In my day to day life. And quite frankly, other types of spirituality seemed more exciting. So after a while I started drifting.
Here I feel the need to interject that if Christianity doesn’t excite you, you need to go deeper into it. Invite the Holy Spirit in. Once you’ve been touched by the Holy Spirit you will have all the excitement that you need.
Anyway… At some point, probably a few years after the initial encounter with God’s peace I started noticing that Christianity and the Bible seemed to bring some distance between me and the financial hardships that me and my wife were facing. They didn’t seem to matter as much when I really felt that I had God and Jesus to lean on. I also experienced more of the peace that I just mentioned.
At the place where I am right now, I’ve found an intellectual understanding of why, which was something that I lacked when this journey started. This intellectual understanding is growing every day.
My blogging has helped me to gain more clarity, even though I wasn’t completely blind to my situation when I started. A funny thing is that God more or less told me to start this blog. And even though I haven’t had much success with it, writing down my experiences and thoughts about them have been a huge help for me. What priorly was an incoherent mess started to become ordered. Patterns emerged. And from these patterns followed insights. Some insights have been personal. Others have seemed more universal.
Why can’t I have things simply “my” way? Because when I say “my” way I really mean “my ego’s way”. And my ego is inevitably and undeniably slave to my lower nature. To my animal instincts. And the animal instincts are ruled by cause and effect. The world provides a stimulus and I react. Just like animals do. And so I fall victim to temptation over and over again. And today the world produces so much stimulus.
The more I live according to my own rules, the more frustrated and helpless I feel. The more I surrendered to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, the more happy, light and free I feel.
In light of what I just said, telling myself that I’m free while living in the sorry state of “my” will, is the worst kind of self-deception possible. “My” will will always have me chasing after the wind. My ego tells me that I want empty gratification of the senses, admiration, success, be looked upon as smart, insightful etcetera. This while I really know that the only road to joy and peace is to live close to God and focus on what God says is important.
The Bible is pretty clear on what will give me happiness, peace, joy etcetera: Loving God. Loving my neighbor such as myself. Non-judgment. Stay faithful to my wife and loved-ones. Not worrying so much about the troubles of this world, but instead keeping my eye on the eternal. Being humble and letting go of pride. And so on.
Learning to live this way takes time though. Especially if you, like me, have a lot of baggage.
The thing with the Bible is that the more you study it and see your life through it, the more it starts to make sense. The more I study the Bible, the more the line “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God” (1 Corinthians 3:19) makes sense.
By looking inwardly I’ve learned a few things. I have several wills inside of me that compete with each other. Sometimes I decide on one thing. But then I talk myself into justifying the opposite. Not because of some new information. But because I argue myself into believing something else. Most of the time something that is in line with my lower nature and more instant gratification. And then I realize that I suffer because of it - or make other people suffer sometimes - and so I’m back to my original intent.
And so it goes. Even though I know this, I keep falling into the same traps over and over again.
No matter what school of psychology you look at it from, whether it’s psychoanalysis, neurology, cognitive psychology or behaviorism, you arrive at the same conclusion. We are not in control of ourselves. We usually don’t know exactly what we want or why we want it. And if we do, the reasons are probably not what we tell ourselves. And our emotions, habits, irrational desires and all of the things in the world that prey on them cause us to act in all kinds of strange manners. Manners that we explain away afterwards, because of some strange need for things to make sense when they really don’t.
It may take a while if you haven’t understood this yet. But if you search and study these things with an open mind, you can not fail to realize that there is a God, and that this is a personal God. You will also realize that there is some sort of spiritual reality and that there is a divine order to things, ordained by God.
In light of the above, we have a choice to make. Do we want to continue following our own wills and ge trapped by the world? Or do we freely want to submit our wills to God’s will? The God who loves us, always wants what’s best for us and is infinitely wise and powerful.
If we realize that this might be something worth doing, we do it, once we’ve found God, by reading God’s word and works by those that try to help us understand it. And last, but certainly not least, we do it by asking God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit to guide us.
Photo by Rafael De Nadai on Unsplash
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