I do have a past that I’m not proud of. But I haven’t committed any really serious offenses. Maybe it’s my thoughts? I don’t know. I don’t have access to other people’s thoughts. But for most of my life, I’ve allowed my thoughts to wander freely into places that are not pretty. On the other hand, from what I can tell, many people do. From what I’ve read, many just have very little knowledge about what is really going on inside their heads.
Maybe there is some kind of clue here. You see, even though I’ve embraced much of my darkness throughout the years, I can still sometimes be shocked by what I find out about myself. So I can only imagine what would happen to someone that regarded themselves as basically good, but that had allowed their thoughts to roam free without paying much attention to them. And this is something that both intrigues me and scares me. Namely that even though I’ve done some quite serious introspection and observed my actions and behaviors, I’m still to a large degree a stranger to myself. A stranger that is to a large degree oblivious to my behavior.
A few years back, I made the mistake (or apparent mistake) of reading and watching some rather vile books and movies. And since for example the writings of Marquis de Sade must be representative of what was going on inside his head, I don’t think that my thoughts are the worst in the world either. And nowadays I’m doing my best to clean them up and not allow them to drift too far into things that could be deemed “ungodly”, whether it’s my own fantasies or something that I’ve read or watched.
Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
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