Up and down - personal reflection on where I am right now

I didn’t know how much anger towards myself that I was carrying until recently. And now I’ve finally started to let go of it. How?

I believe that there is such a moment, when everything in life up to that moment becomes meaningful in light of that moment. This sounds very vague, but let me try to explain. It’s something that I’ve come near a couple of times, but never stayed in for long. Words and labels such as “liberation”, “salvation” or “the holy moment” come to mind. Even ones such as “enlightenment”, “nirvana” or “samadhi”. 

What I’m talking about is some sort of knowing that everything is okay. That I’m loved by God no matter what and that in the end, nothing else matters. 

Then I go back to fears and worries again. I think of missed opportunities and how much of my life that I’ve wasted on nonsense. I think of dangers, real or imagined or such ones that I don’t have any way of knowing whether they exist or not. 

But I find myself being able to stay in this calm acceptance and trust for longer and longer periods of time. Just as my periods of negativity become shorter and less intense. As I’ve stated before, it does correlate with my ability to remain present in the moment. And the more I manage to be present in the moment, the more I manage to not identify with my thoughts and emotions. To just observe them and see them for the illusions that they ultimately are. 

So, this is where I am right now. Some people talk about “spiritual bipolarity”. I think that this is quite an accurate term. One day I feel this joyful bliss, love and acceptance. And the next I feel overwhelmed by problems in the physical world and worries about the future. And when I’m down deep in the dirt of inert material existence, I seem unable to remember the love, light and carefreeness of the spiritual. I get caught up in the petty worries about the temporal, instead of focusing on what’s truly important: The easy, loving eternal. 

That is not to say that this physical life isn’t important. We are here for important reasons, that at the moment aren’t totally clear to me. But seen from the perspective of eternity, much of what we worry about on a daily basis becomes rather small. But the ego seems unable to grasp the eternal. And therefore it keeps on dragging me down into the pains of the temporal.