My spiritual awakening part 6

When I first went from atheist/Laveyean satanist, to a believer in God, I was pretty alone with this. I started buying books on religion and spirituality. Any books on these themes really, since I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for. So I started ploughing through anything from purely academic books to books written by Eastern mystics.

I had been living in a very deep unconsciousness when I started to wake up. As I said in an earlier post, I was still partying pretty hard. And I was also largely hanging around with the same friends.

I also had tons of other patterns and other issues that stemmed from this unconsciousness. Actually, I believe that a part of my life’s journey, is to learn how to deal with all of the problems that one causes for oneself. 

One major thing that I did, that I didn’t realize quite recently, was that I pushed down my emotions to the point where I felt kind of shut off and probably acquired some kind of world record in bodily tensions, which in turn messed up my back. I think that this started when my mother, whom I was living with and was very close to, died when I was 13. This messed me up pretty bad. The adults around me at the time did the best they could from where they were, but they honestly didn’t handle the situation very good. Basically they wanted to change a lot of thing in my life, where I still to this day believe that it would have been better, if they would have as much as possible allowed me to continue living as I did with my mother.

A teenager cannot be expected to get a grip on things and start making conscious choices in the face of a tragedy. But honestly, I allowed it, together with the bullying that I also went through in my teens, to continue affecting me through my adult life. I turn 40 this year and I still haven’t let go of the pain. I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but I can feel it as a lump in my chest. Like a heavy, physical lump, pulling me downwards. 

I’ve noticed that a disproportionally large amount of people that are waking up, carry different kinds of traumas from the past. Often from their childhoods and teens. And even though it wasn’t our faults, it’s our responsibility to fix it. Fair or not, no one else is going to do it for us. And the ones that will suffer the most if we refuse are we.